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I was on my way to the post office to pick up my free case of M&Ms (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals).

I ran into a friend whose neighbor had been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (of course you already know there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC.) He said this happened right after his neighbor's cousin had an even worse turn of events...

He said the guy woke up from a deep sleep to find himself in his bathtub. It was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he managed to crawl out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN!

He saw a note on his mirror that said, "Call 911!" He was afraid to use his phone, though, because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail titled "Join the crew!"

He knew this wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates.

(It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

Well, the poor man tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidney, but instead of getting an operator, a voice on the line asked him to first press #90. This gave the intercepter full unlimited free access to the phone line at the expense of anyone who tried to use it.

My friend's neighbor's cousin then reached into the coin-return slot to retrieve his quarter and got jabbed with a hypodermic needle that was hidden in there. Wrapped around it was a note that read: "Welcome to the world of AIDS."

Luckily, he was only a few blocks from the hospital, the one where that little boy is--the one who is dying of cancer and whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail (the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.)

I sent him an e-mail that consisted of a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck--send it to only 10 and you will have just OK luck--send it to fewer than 10 people and you will have bad luck for seven years.)

Well, anyway, the poor guy with the stolen kidney, who was now infected with the AIDS virus, quickly headed for the hospital. On the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his own lights to alert the other driver. He was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send this to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive a free WAP phone. If you don't forward it, the owner of Procter and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have incredibly bad luck. In any case, the US government will soon be putting a tax on all of your e-mails...

... I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet!