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JUST FOR KERRY'S UPCOMING SCHEDULE

Friday, February 13

In Washington, D.C., Wisconsin and Las Vegas (all times are local)

Morning: Phones sweetie overseas, bills call to campaign. Ducks questions from press corps on recent dalliance with bimbo du jour.

Noon: Participates in Governor's "Get for Yourself What you Can" symposium. Madison, Wisc. "Squeezes the Charmin" while passing Badger coeds lined to meet Botox Boy.

3:45 p.m.: Departs Wisconsin en route Las Vegas. Phones sweetie overseas, to tell her how much he thinks of her at the craps tables. Has to run as "ress-pay orps-cay are ear-nay."

7 p.m.: Attends rally. Desert High School, Gymnasium, Las Vegas. Eyes up cheerleaders for potential internships.

Kerry overnights at BigCorporateCasinoResort, the Strip, Las Vegas, pausing to denounce BigCorporations before retiring for evening with his "niece".

Saturday, February 14

Valentine's Day, the BIG Day

8:30 a.m.: Checks supply of Viagra, opts for Cialis. Places overseas phone call to sweetie.

11:15 a.m.: Departs Las Vegas en route Wisconsin. Ducks press corps hounding mercilessly growing reports of Kerry campaign now stumbling

7 p.m.: Attends Democratic Party of Wisconsin's William Jefferson Clinton/Jesse Jackson Founders Day Gala. On the dais places quickie call overseas to sweetie.