Posted on 02/10/2004 10:29:30 AM PST by Maria S
Alexa is 15 now, but she first heard about it when she was 10. She remembers thinking, "Ewww." Disgusting. The next time the subject came up, she was 13, an eighth grader at an affluent private school in Toronto, making out with her boyfriend in his bedroom. He asked if she was willing.
"He told me, 'You don't have to if you don't want to. It's up to you.' But I really liked him and this was my first, like, obsessive thing with a guy." He was a year older, 14. "I wanted to impress him. And we'd been hooking up for so long. Two months or something. I thought about it for about three seconds. I'm like, okay, it's my decision. I felt mature, like I made up my own mind. Obviously I was ready. But I don't even know if I was."
"It" is oral sex, and Alexa is hardly the only young girl who thinks she's ready for it (all minors' names have been changed). According to statistical evidence, as well as reports from social workers, educators and the girls themselves, oral sex is now a fact of life in middle-school culture.
And it's no longer the domain of the class "bad girl." Girls like Alexa who are experimenting sexually can hail from housing projects and tony suburbs, and attend schools public and private. In some circles, the act is even de rigueur, an admission ticket to the cool cliques of star athletes or honour students.
"Fooling around" and "hookups" -- terms kids use to describe everything from kissing to groping, mutual masturbation to oral sex -- happen when couples are alone, and when they're in peer groups. They happen at school, in stairwells, in bathrooms between third and fourth period, and in the playground at recess. They happen in parks, on class trips and in cabins at camp. They happen at home and at after-school or weekend parties, whether or not parents are out.
The phenomenon made news in Canada in December, when Cass Rhynes, a 19-year-old baseball star from Cornwall, PEI, was sentenced to 45 days in jail for inciting oral sex from two girls aged 12 and 13. Mr. Rhynes, who was one of four teenaged boys involved in the incident a year ago, claims he'd thought the girls were two years older (14 is the age of consent in Canada). The girls themselves testified that they had arranged the casual sexual trysts, often via the Internet, and willingly participated. They characterized the episodes as "no big deal." The court saw otherwise. Mr. Rhynes is appealing the sentence.
The case shocked many Canadians who harboured illusions that 12- and 13-year-old girls' sexuality was limited to fixating on the gyrations of the latest pop idol. Even Mr. Rhynes seemed bewildered, in an interview after his conviction, that girls that age would know what oral sex means, much less want to take part in it. "Obviously something's changed," he said. "Something's gone wrong somewhere."
The oral-sex trend, however, is not a temporary blip on the radar of adolescent sexuality. It signals a sea change in the way girls view themselves, and sends a wake-up call about the state of our hypersexualized culture.
Physiologically, girls seem to be hitting puberty earlier than ever. But developing breasts is one thing, and sexual and emotional maturity is quite another. What does it mean when 12-year-old girls are servicing boys on a lark? How do such hollow early experiences affect a girl's sex life and self-esteem, in a Sex and the City culture that telegraphs that all a girl needs to feel better in the morning is a pair of Manolos?
This turn among pubescent girls first came to light in 1999 in the United States. After president Bill Clinton drew his famous distinction between "sexual relations" and oral sex, U.S. media began to discover that middle-schoolers mirrored his opinion.
While there are no hard data to confirm the increase in oral sex, late last year Health Canada published the best evidence available in this country -- a state-of-the-union survey of about 11,000 students in Grades 7, 9 and 11 entitled "Canadian Youth, Sexual Health and HIV/AIDS."
The study was the first in more than a decade to examine adolescent sexual trends in Canada. However, researchers deliberately avoided asking Grade 7 students about intercourse or oral sex, for fear that controversy-averse school boards would have refused to participate, says researcher William Boyce, a member of the faculty of education at Queen's University in Kingston.
What the study did find is that in Grade 7, 35 per cent of girls and 46 per cent of boys said they had "deep (open-mouth) kissed" ("French" kissed); 34 per cent of girls and 46 per cent of boys said they had engaged in sexual touching above the waist; and 23 per cent of girls and 33 per cent of boys said they had engaged in sexual touching below the waist.
Students had the option of volunteering further specifics. One per cent of the Grade 7 girls who responded were willing to divulge that they had engaged in oral sex. But by Grade 9, it was one-third of all students.
"That jump didn't happen after they went to high school," Mr. Boyce says. "Some of it did, but some of it also happened in Grade 8, which frankly is the age that we are really suspecting a lot of this stuff is going on between kids."
Pinpointing where pubescent sexual mores began to change is trickier than wending a path through a teenager's clothes-strewn bedroom. It's not news that sexual stimulus abounds in today's media. Gone are the days when a boy might have sneaked his dad's tattered copy of Playboy; today, underwear ads in Good Housekeeping are nearly as explicit, and much raunchier stuff appears on music videos and the Internet. But kids today are also often the targets of a massive sexual sell.
If teenagers were a creation of the 1950s, "tweens" -- the eight-to-14-year-olds weaned on the Spice Girls, Clueless, Missy Elliot and The O.C. -- are a product of the new millennium. Never before has a group so young commanded such powerful market attention. An army of mini-me celebrities gaze out from the covers of publications such as Teen People, Teen Vogue, Cosmo Girl and Elle Girl, plugging junior-branded merchandise, movies and TV shows. It's fuelled an explosion of retail lines and outlets that cater to the legions that want to emulate them.
Products that used to be designated adults-only are now being peddled to kids, with not-so-subtle sexual connotations: tween-targeted cosmetics, courtesy of mini-branding giants the Olsen twins; paraphernalia with "Porn Star" and Playboy-bunny logos, sold in the juniors section at department stores; and even kid-branded lingerie. American retailer Abercrombie & Fitch introduced thong underwear to its Abercrombie Kids line last year, featuring phrases such as "Kiss Me," "Wink Wink" and "Eye Candy."
These products have helped create a generation of pseudo-sophisticated girls, advanced about sex but ignorant of its meaning and consequences. Kids inhale an atmosphere in which sex is a commodity to exchange for status, while overworked parents and school systems are often less than available to help kids interpret the messages they are receiving.
Of course, adolescents have always "fooled around," and they have always had an eye for sex appeal. If a fast-forward culture is making it happen a year or two younger, perhaps that's no reason to panic. But pretending it isn't true is increasingly not an option.
Kate is a stunning olive-skinned brunette, now in Grade 11 at a Toronto alternative school. On the day of our interview, she is wearing a Juicy Couture-style black sweatsuit, slung low on her hips to show off a flat midriff à la J.Lo. In her characteristic teenage drone, she explains that starting in Grade 7, about 15 boys and girls from her small, mixed-gender private school would gather every weekend, with no parents around.
Typically, all the kids would be watching a movie when couples would break off from the main crowd and disappear into another room. Other times, they wouldn't be so discreet. On one occasion, she remembers sitting only a few feet away from a girl who was performing oral sex on a boy when another girl approached them. "Wow, I can't believe you're doing that," Kate remembers the newcomer saying. "Do you want me to hold your hair back?"
At the time, she says, it did not seem particularly out of the ordinary. "I just didn't think anything of it." Her attitude toward doing the deed was equally laissez-faire. One day in Grade 8, at a house where some friends were gathered after school, she was alone in a bedroom with a classmate she had known since Grade 5. He wasn't her boyfriend, but when her then best friend joined the conversation, the boy asked the two girls to kiss. After they complied, he requested oral sex. "We were like, 'Okay,' " she says.
The threesome took place in a separate room from the main party, but the teens were hardly sequestered away. "People were walking in and out of the room," she says. "But it didn't even matter. Nobody cared." Because her school was so small, Kate says that at some point, everyone in her grade had "hooked up" with everyone else. "By the end of Grade 8," she says, people were doing "pretty much everything" except intercourse.
Sally O'Neill, a Toronto-based sexual-health educator, says kids as young as Grade 5 "always" ask questions about oral sex. And one social worker with the Toronto District School Board says things have changed dramatically in her 15 years on the job: Now, she frequently counsels girls as young as 12 who have been caught -- often on school property -- in "pretty compromising sexual positions."
Miriam Kaufman, a pediatrician who specializes in adolescent medicine at the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto, is familiar with the trend as well. "We're hearing this from rich kids and we're hearing this from poor kids," Dr. Kaufman says.
A guidance counsellor at a Toronto private girls' school says she has heard confidentially from other staff members that "our girls are servicing boys from Grade 7 up." And servicing the guys appears to be exactly what's going on: From all accounts, oral sex is a one-way street -- boys rarely return the favour. "It used to be that only the really slutty girls -- and there was one in each class -- would do this," says Eric King, a senior social worker at the Hincks-Dellcrest Centre, a government-funded children's mental health care facility in Toronto. In many circles today, he says, oral sex has become almost as normal as acne or homework or cafeteria gossip.
Vanessa, now a popular kid in Grade 9 at a private girls' school in Toronto, describes the weekend parties that she says took place about twice a month last year at various friends' houses. Sometimes parents were home, but more often they weren't. Boys and girls from schools across the city would show up. Frequently, drugs and alcohol were involved. Boys would approach girls, a pickup would ensue, and the couple would withdraw into another room, she says. Sometimes, the two knew each other. Other times, they had just met.
She remembers one girl who left the room with a boy she had met just 10 minutes earlier. When the pair returned, she says, "All the girls would just circle around and be like, 'What just happened? What just happened?' " The boy would "just walk off," while the girl would "talk about it openly." The two didn't have intercourse, she says, but they did everything else. Oral sex was a given. It happened at every party.
The girls' attitudes were remarkably blasé: They would say they were just hooking up with a given boy for that night, and shrug that "next weekend," they would be with another guy. Vanessa guesses that about 10 per cent of her all-female Grade 8 class performed oral sex on boys regularly.
Sometimes, she says, girls would arrange hookups by electronic instant messaging -- now kids' primary mode of communication outside school. Vanessa has observed her girlfriends exchanging messages with boys whom they knew or had recently met, laying out the planned sexual timetable in graphic detail, often including oral sex. The absence of face-to-face contact is a confidence booster: "It's much easier to be open," she says.
According to Dr. Kaufman, that comfort allows for increasingly explicitly sexual text conversations -- and concerned parents have sought her help after discovering them. In Mr. Rhynes's trial, evidence emerged that the casual sexual liaisons that ensnared the baseball prodigy were facilitated by instant messaging: After meeting and exchanging e-mail addresses with groups of high-school boys on school buses, the girls used messaging to arrange the meetings. While educators stress that they don't believe that most girls engage in these activities, those who do are by no means anomalous. And even girls who don't would agree with their more precocious girlfriends that it isn't really sex.
"I'll say, 'Did you have sex?' " says a guidance counsellor at another Toronto private girls' school. "And they'll say, 'Well, not exactly.' And I'll say, 'What do you mean, not exactly?' And they'll say, 'Well, we had oral sex.' " If it's not sex, what is it? When a moderator posed that question to a roomful of teenaged girls at a Women's Health Matters conference in Toronto last month, the giggling reply was almost unanimous: "It's foreplay."
Why draw this line at all? The girls see oral sex as safer, both physically and emotionally. To an extent, they're right. Oral sex poses no danger of pregnancy. The chance of infection from most sexually transmitted diseases -- including HIV -- is lower than with "real" sex. Still, there are risks: Herpes, gonorrhea and chlamydia are frequently transmitted through oral sex. Kim Martyn, a sexual-health educator with Toronto Public Health and author of All the Way: Sex for the First Time, says kids are often surprised to learn that they need protection. Dr. Kaufman encounters similar misconceptions in her practice. As they see it, she says, "it's not sex, so why would you have to protect yourself?"
The emotional aspect is equally important. As one 13-year-old says, "When you have sex, it's, like, 'the big thing.' " Oral sex is "way less sentimental." Kate agrees. With oral sex, she says, "you're not gonna have that emotional attachment."
Two guidance counsellors at a girls' school have encountered the same attitude. "Often you'll say to kids, 'I'm worried about you being hurt,' " says one. "And they'll sort of look at you like you're crazy."
The trend-watchers behind Sex and the City have picked up on that current: In one episode, the promiscuous PR person Samantha is hired to organize a rich Manhattan girl's bat mitzvah, where she overhears a group of 13-year-olds talking dirty about boy bands. When she scolds them, they scoff: They've been having oral sex since they were 12 -- it's the only way, they say, to get boys to like them. Even the unshockable Samantha is floored. Their reply? "Talk to the hand, grandma."
"It's just something you do," for many girls, says the other school counsellor. "An act that you perform." In certain peer groups, it is a price girls pay for popularity. It alone can garner the social cachet that's needed to belong. It is, Vanessa says, "the cool thing to do."
In that sense, the pressures, fears and anxieties about fitting in that girls are dealing with today are no different than the ones they have dealt with since the beginning of time.
Only now, the stakes are higher.
Leslie, a petite, outgoing 16-year-old with curly brown hair who describes her junior-high years as "social warfare," says oral sex has become something of a "rite of passage" for 12- and 13-year-old girls. The thinking goes, "You're in Grade 7 and 8. This is something you should be doing."
Often, says Leslie, the pressure to cast off the label of "blowjob virgin" was so intense in her private Hebrew day school that girls performed oral sex just to get it over with. "It's about doing what's expected." Vanessa agrees. "Girls just want to get past the stage of saying they did it."
In the process, this generation is bucking some age-old social and sexual norms. Ms. O'Neill, the sexual-health educator, says she frequently gets complaints from parents who believe that their sons are being harassed by girls. And Mr. King, the social worker, says that when it comes to voicing their sexual wishes, girls are more aggressive now than ever: "I know what I want and I can get it." One of the girls in PEI testified that Cass Rhynes was reluctant, and she forced herself on him.
Ever since the advent of "Girl Power," being aggressively sexy has practically become a political statement. Pop-culture figureheads such as Christina Aguilera or Beyoncé, who play out every bump-and-grind signal of sexual availability -- then fend off criticism by saying it is "just a performance," only entertainment -- reinforce the mixed message.
What started as a movement to invest girls with the power to be and do anything they wanted has morphed into a brand-new program: "Put on a push-up bra, expose your navel, shake your booty, and drive 'em wild." According to Kate, "If you want a guy to like you, most girls will do anything to have him."
Vanessa agrees. Oral sex is alluring to many girls because "a guy's giving her attention. He's saying, 'Let's go . . . have some fun.' "
But the attention rarely lasts. In fact, Kate recalls, in the Grade 8 situation, the girls and boys often would never speak again. Sometimes, the girl was embarrassed. Other times, despite what he had led the girl to believe -- surprise -- the boy didn't really care about her.
Typically, Vanessa says, "the guy will just use the girl." She bears the full weight of a nasty double standard, being labelled a "slut," "whore," or " 'ho," while he gets praised by friends.
Still, those labels aren't as disparaging as they once were. For young girls, even negative attention can be extremely attractive. "Even if they're talking about you poorly," Leslie explains, "they're still talking about you." She adds, "To get the name 'slut,' at least that means . . . you're, like, older."
Whereas a girl's first period used to signal her entrance into womanhood, Leslie says, now "you're a woman if you go out there and you fool around with lots and lots of people."
Kate agrees. When she and her girlfriends performed oral sex, she says, "we were pretty proud."
Sara Wilson is a freelance writer in Toronto.
Hey, it's not as if those of us with middle-school aged sons are anything less than thoroughly outraged by this article.
That's the best one yet.
Nah, just a slutty biohazard.
The solution to other people's neglect of their children -- which is what causes problems like this -- is to not have any yourself? Logically, since my car is a mess and needs a wash and a vacuum, you should sell yours, then.
I guess if you're going to surrender to the culture, it's better to surrender without a family than with one, but personally, I'd rather not surrender.
Wow. That is really sad.
This has been going on long before Clinton. In fact, I dare say there were fewer virgins when I went to high school during the Reagan presidency than there are now.
Remember the 1983 film "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" where the character of 15 year-old virgin Stacy Hamilton (Jennifer Jason Leigh) practices fellatio with a carrot in the school cafeteria?
"Good" girls have been giving out hummers for many, many years now and teenage boys have happily been letting them oblige.
Roger that. 9th grade. 1984. By then I am certain that no less than 25 percent of my classmates had already had actual sex. By graduation in 1987 I'd say the number was 75 percent. After my first year of college I doubt there was a virgin left. Maybe less than a dozen out of a graduating class of over four hundred.
This all happened while Reagan was president, MTV still played videos, most of the population did not yet have cable and the internet was nonexistent.
I don't think so.
That's kinda nutty.
And it's no wonder I feel more "at home" watching movies from the 30s and 40s!!!
Ditto that. I'm going to be 29 this year, too, and got married when I was 25. I can't imagine having to explain what oral sex is or why they at 11 or 12 years old shouldn't have sex, but should wait for the right person!
As I was reading this article I kept thinking of my 9 year old nephew and almost 7 year old neice. At Christmas I was just shocked at some of the clothes they have out for little girls. Hip hugger pants! They don't even have hips!!!
Ditto the movies, too, but I'm more of a 50s/60s girl. Some Like it Hot is one of my favorites!
In that case, I guess we're going to disagree on the meaning of "good."
Back in the ‘50s and ‘60s we noted a difference between a “nice” girl and a “good” girl.
We liked dating a “good” girl now and then, but married a “nice” girl.
This has been going on for awhile. I remember being shocked several years ago to hear about parents who went out on a Saturday night and allowed their children to invite friends over to watch porn. No joke. The family was quite well-off and sent their children to boarding school.
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