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I copied this entire thread and pasted to an email to the members of my family -- my brother is due back in the next 2 months or so. My sister-in-law had some very interesting responses to it, and I wanted to share. We all think a lot about the soldier who's been away -- and well we should. Their sacrifice is to be appreciated and applauded. But those left at home are OFTEN forgotten, and their sacrifices have been just as signifigant -- dealing with all sorts of issues on their own without the present support of a spouse they are left to carry on. And for those, like my sister-in-law who have limited family involvement due to the fact that they live about 5 hours away from us, it's even harder. I salute the spouses who have had to hold it together alone -- God bless you all! You are heroes, too!

Here's her email:

By this same token, those returning should know that the earth did rotate while they were gone. Their children's likes and dislikes are not the same, period. Anyone away for over a year can not expect those they worked with before to not ask questions or to be at the same level of compency (or lack thereof) that they were when the soldier left.Loyalties, clients and the like have had to compensate for the soldier not being there for so long. They can not (in most cases) just pick up where they left off. They will also have to understand that the "novelty" of their return, sadly will dissipate quickly for everyone but them. Anger, resentment, confusion may be their intial reaction but they need to realize 99% of the people they will see daily upon return have not been in their shoes for the past many months. They can not expect an inherent understanding or full comprehension of how things can change a person on the inside. People will expect them to be up and running when they hit American soil. Some will realize that it takes longer. Most don't think about how long it will take. The far reaching effects can be daunting but does that mean the soldier will be "cut some slack" for several months? Probably not. Try weeks. They are back in the capitalist's homeland. Competition reigns supreme.

Family is not going to remember every detail over the past year to try to get the soldier "caught up" Nor should it be expected. Where the soldier may need to keep some things to themselves, understand others too will need the same understanding. Chances are that your loved ones cried alone more than you would guess. They prayed for strength to do things they knew had to be done. They had to overcome their own inner battles with no one else to discuss it with. Yes we are excited. Yes we want our family member out of harm's way and back in our arms. Your families' have been warriors of the heart. That also changes people. Many have struggled with intangibles. Many have had to do things they never expected to do in their lives or maybe never expected to do alone. They too have been changed and would like to be appreciated for what they were able to accomplish. Not harrassed for what they didn't. Things come easily for some and hard for others. That is why we try to marry someone who balances us out. Just because we were able to have managed something while the soldier was gone doesn't mean we still want to do so later. Or perhaps they may find that their partner really was better at getting bills out on time and organizing schedules. Enjoy that. Negotiate the things neither of you like to do. Don't just do the fun stuff, like giving the kids a bath or reading them stories or taking them to the park etc. The spouse left behind has had to be the big bad wolf and the nuturer all in one. I'm guessing a little break from that would help too. Love and support goes both ways.

Remember that you chose to be a member of the Armed Forces. You were not drafted into something you never would have done otherwise. Your kids, parents, siblings, signifigant others probably were. Think about it.

I read this and it sounds so harsh. I have struggled for over a week as to wether I should respond with this viewpoint from the other side of the looking glass. I'm afraid our guys/gals are not going to get the proper preparation for this type of reality. Yes the basics of put your gun down, change clothes and exit the gates will surely be reviewed. I just think that perhaps the viewpoint put forward in Support Group tapes was a bit lop-sided. I also wonder how many soldiers read the material, watched the videos and listened to the CDs on the subject. Incomplete as it was, it is a start. Remember they have been a team of sameness for a year or so. Now they come back and the world goes on. Now their "home team" will be a true shuffle of personalities. I know we have appreciated them and their efforts. I just hope they remember that it goes both ways.

I just hope that it does not appear that I am an ingrate. I don't think that it is just the soldier but society that has neglected the reality of the ripple effect on families, friends, employers and co-workers.

Military members are usually briefed or given "re-integration" classes before they depart their duty station on this type of thing. It's one of the ways that the military is trying to take care of the families and cause a lot less stress. Noone can make the member pay attention or make them take the effort to learn what they need to learn. That's why the family must always get them to realise this. One of the biggest things they say in the briefings is that things are not as they were so don't expect them to be. Be it 4 months or a year, things change and people change. Life changes on a second to second basis. The chaplains and life skills people are always trying to teach the members this.

Spouses/partners/significant others are a major part of any military person's life and the military is realizing that. Communications are critical for any relationship to work and both participants have to share what's going on, what's happened and how things are going to work. I know that a lot of lattitude is given for communicating back home especially in the way of electronic communications. Even a line or two every couple days can make a major difference in both lives. With good communications alot of these potential conflicts are resolved before they become an issue. Especially important is the military member's acknowledgement of his/her appreciation of what the spouse has done. Any relationship is a give/take thing. Both have to do it and both have to share. Without that, there won't be much of a relationship.

As for "hitting the ground running", it's very true that the same expectations will be there for them once they return to work but there will be some time given to them to readjust. Usually for a 4 month deployment they are given 2 weeks unchargeable paid leave and for a year gone a month. This is provided by the military to insure that they have some kind of time to re-adjust. How they use this time is important, this is when they are supposed to be learning "how the system works" now. It's the military member's responsibility to do that.