After that, I was given alot of tools to recognize and deal with clinical depression, manic depression, and panic disorders. The first was the awareness of what is going on in my brain when certain chemicals tapped out and how my body reacted as a result. In a nutshell, like computer signals that aren't timed properly, the signals in the brain aren't in sync and the messages that go out (or don't go out) to the body causes things to happen. Weird ticks and muscle spasms, visual darkening or cloudiness, lack of appetite, no strength in the legs (I had to mentally work each step I took for a time). As I slowly responded to medicines and got better rest, I was able to see how quickly I crashed when the depression overrode the medicines and how so many physical, mental and emotional symptoms flared up. They are now red flags to either slow down, get more rest, or take care of something causing stress and worry. One of the strangest red flags is when everything is visually darker. A heavy rain cloud from a front coming through suddenly blocked out the sun and the day went almost to night. I panicked at first thinking the depression took over only to find to my immense relief that it was about to rain. That shadow in my mind is usually accompanied by other symptoms which made this raincloud episode so strange - I was feeling great that day.
I also had to learn about my own feelings. I know this sounds like something from a liberal but it's not. I had strove so long to be logical and not emotional that I didn't recognize my own feelings, let alone how to deal with them. It would be something as simple as confusion. Now I recognize confusion when it's going on and take whatever steps to stop what is causing it. I also have to be careful with extra noises and visuals - the brain has to process them all and uses up those precious chemicals so quickly. So I tend to wear earplugs at work when there's high pitched noises or excessively loud work going on. Needless to say, the music on radios nowadays about sends me off my rocker. I feel my energy drain right away.
To deal with the short-term memory problems, I simplified the heck out of my life and set up a system for my checkbook and bills to protect me from overdrawn accounts or unpaided bills. One of the things that will send me into the depression fast is worry and having as little to worry about financially is a huge burden off the shoulders. I also had a list of things to check in the house before I left it to make sure I didn't leave anything on like stoves or irons so I didn't have to worry if my house was about to burn down. I also strive to keep to a routine as I function best in the morning and start tapping out in the afternoon. When I'm running on fumes, I'm playing with fire where the depression is concerned so I make sure I get my rest, go to bed early at roughly the same time, even on the weekends.
As for dealing with other people, the biggest lesson was not trying to meet other peoples' expectations. Such as at work - I have one boss and it's his directions I follow. If someone else tries to tell me to do something different from what my boss wants, I do one of two things: tell that person to get an ok by my boss first, or I go directly to my boss and see if I should do as the other person requests. If others don't like it, too bad. I answer to him and him first. With family and friends, those who won't try to understand my illness can whistle Dixie. I'm not here to live up to their standards - if my dishes aren't done or the cat prints are all over the tub, tough. I do what I can when I can and if they don't like it, well, shut up and help out. Otherwise, shut up and leave. Biggest rule is NO HEAD GAMES! If you can't be straight with me, get out of my life. I don't have the strength or patience to put up with crap like that and have come too far in the last 7 years to get knocked down again. It was too painful the first time - I wouldn't trade away one second of it for anything as I have more peace than I could have ever imagined but I sure as hell don't want to go there again.
One of the things I couldn't fathom at the time I crashed-n-burned was how long the recovery would take. I thought I needed only a couple weeks rest. I would have thought one insane if they had tried to tell me I wouldn't get back to work full-time and off all disability for over 18 months. But that's how long it took and the incredible frustration of it going on and on could send one over the edge. Incredible patience and support of others who know and understand is really needed.
After being on meds for six years, I weaned off them and haven't taken any for the last year. There's been a few waves but by hanging onto God and using all I've learned I done really well so far. I will admit to a certain about of pride in my accomplishment yet will always leave that door open to return to meds if necessary. I will not let myself consider checking out again. I will overcome this life and wait on God and His timing. Praying my own experience will help someone else along the way.
The first thing I can testify will NOT work is all the New Age mumbo-jumbo: building self-esteemThat's become a big problem, particularly in the schools. "Self esteem", has come to mean feeling good about oneself unconditionally, without the need for objective evidence. In order to preserve it, said objective evidence is often de-emphasized or even discarded. We are logical beings and eventually the logic sneaks in.
In the pursuit of "self esteem", some would suppress "self respect", which can be described as "self-esteem" based upon objective justification. Self respect is a much stronger and more durable feeling. Leaving aside the social and cultural hazards of de-emphasizing achievement, this is very dangerous.
-Eric