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Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the winter and in the summer they would go to the coast, tan and live on fish and lobster. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of fermented beverages and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the fermented beverages faster. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups; 1. Liberals, and 2. Conservatives. In early mans development animals were used to symbolize the attributes of each party. Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Once fermented beverages were discovered, it required more grain and this was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can existed yet, so while our early ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery, this how villages were formed. Some men spent their days farming beverage grains or tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they drank the fermented beverages. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and far less skilled at hunting or gathering learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, laundry, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement and why "It takes an entire village" to raise a liberal. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into liberal women. The rest became known as girlie-men and large herds of them moved to the Castro district in San Francisco, Hollywood, Oregon, Massachusetts and New Hampshire. On an interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than liberal men, making it difficult to distinguish liberal men from liberal women, these women are known as feminist or feminazis’. Whereas conservative women are far more feminine (as well as actually being female), intelligent, powerful and can generally take liberal men and make them cry like little girls or liberal boys. Conservative women don’t grow arm pit hair long enough to braid to be like men, or to prove they can do anything a man can do, deep down conservative men fear conservative women. Most main stream media, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, almost all of Hollywood, and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat, keeping faith with some basic liberal beliefs and philosophies like, "it's not your fault you're a wimp", "blame someone else for your failures", or “that’s racist”, and “that’s sexist”, “it’s because of rightwing traditional family values”, and the old standbys “you’re a loser because of George Bush’s poor (fill in the blank) record, bad economic policies” and of course your failures can always be blamed on a Sarah Palin misquote. Liberals do not believe in an individual’s responsibility for their own actions, it’s always “the rich man’s” fault…all of them, and higher taxes on “the rich man” will fix that problem. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, taxes, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, tie-dye, welfare, higher taxes, unions, and the cornerstone liberal tenant, socialism, to decide how to take from and divide the meat, fermented beverages, and taxes that someone else works to provide. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime and salt added), but most prefer imported white wine or imported bottled water. They will eat fish raw but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, bean sprouts, and French cheese are all standard liberal fare. Liberals will complain about global warming then fly their private jets to get Nobel Peace prizes for fraudulent science, manipulated data and passing disinformation as fact. Liberals will complain about Chinas dismal human rights record then borrow billions from them to pay for health care and bank bailouts. Liberals will rail about Christianity and Judaism but ignore or remain silent about Militant Islam and Muslims double standards. They are staunchly anti-military but support the Weather Underground, Bill Ayers and Che, and the poor Times Square bomber whose house was repossessed by “the Man”. Conservatives on the other hand drink domestic beer, eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, sea farers, nuclear scientists, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively and pays a fair share of taxes. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. Liberals have started leaving Europe because socialism failed and has bankrupted Greece, Spain, Russia, Italy and now California. Most liberals however, crept into the US after the Wild West was tamed and created the business of trying to get more for nothing (see current tax law, healthcare, and welfare tax giveaway programs). Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal will have a momentary urge to scream and yell “Bigot!, “Racists” because they have no other cards to play or riot in downtown Seattle, fly an airplane into an IRS building, arrange a protest march in San Francisco, nail spikes into trees or respond angrily to the above before forwarding it or calling Jessie Jackson, or Al Sharpton, the ACLU, the NY Times, MSNBC or other main stream media for advice on what their opinion should be and whether or not they should be offended by the above narrative. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be sent immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it.