 No Smoking |
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| Quotable |
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 You'd think you could shame them, wouldn't you?  |
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| - Karen Paape, mother of 16-year-old twins |
Posted on 08/02/2002 2:08:32 PM PDT by Cagey
West Bend - Karen Paape has a simple request of anyone who sees her twin 16-year-old sons smoking: Call the police.
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Angry that her sons Gavin and Bradley Belunes continue to smoke cigarettes, she snapped a couple of pictures of the boys, made up a flier and posted it at two gas stations near their West Bend home.
"If you see them smoking, please call the police on them. Signed, their loving parents," the poster says.
"I told them I was going to slap their mug all over the city," she told a reporter when asked about the posters. "You'd think you could shame them, wouldn't you?"
Mom's guerrilla tactics - which also include surprise inspections at friends' homes and a sniff test when her sons come through the door - don't sit well with at least one of the boys.
"I tore one of them up," Gavin said of the fliers, "and I joked it off with my friend, like I didn't care. But I'm pissed. I tried being honest with her, that I smoked, and then she does this."
Is all this tough love - executed in public - a good idea?
John Hyatt, assistant director of IMPACT Alcohol and Other Drug Abuse Services, isn't convinced. He called Paape's approach "interesting."
"I'm not sure I would necessarily recommend it," said Hyatt, whose firm runs a number of rehabilitation programs. "The reason I like it is it says she cares, that she is concerned and she's involved in her kids' lives."
But there are undoubtedly repercussions when you air family business in a public forum, he said. The fliers might result in a backlash, he said.
"It depends on the child and how that kid wants to read it, but it sounds like that is how one of the sons took it," Hyatt said. "What he got was, 'I don't trust you, and here is the length I will go to check up on you.' "
A parent must strike a delicate balance dealing with children, he said.
"If the choice is too much attention and maybe going too far or ignoring the situation, I'd err on the side of paying too much attention," he said.
A little public humiliation is better than allowing her kids to develop a lifelong smoking habit, said Paape, who lives with the boys along with their stepfather.
"I carried their little bodies for 81/2 months. I never let them go to a baby sitter or day care where there was secondhand smoke. And if they think for one minute they're going to smoke, they're wrong."
Local authorities are in her corner.
"It's a good tactic, because I've seen so many parents who enable their kids' behavior," Washington County District Attorney Todd Martens said. "I guess I'm an advocate of tough love. Getting to them young is the best."
Both boys agree they shouldn't be smoking - a habit they picked up when they were 12 - but make no promises they'll kick the habit.
Bradley said he smokes his Marlboros out of boredom.
"If there's nothing else to do, then I want a cigarette," he said, adding he's been playing more basketball to keep his mind off smoking.
Gavin said smoking helps keep his anger in check.
"I get angry too easy," he said. "If I see someone I don't like or I'm (mad) at something, I've got to have one."
Hearing his mother talking on the phone with a reporter, Gavin stormed out of the house and took his smokes and his brother with him.
"I had to have one, I was so mad," he said.
In the past, Paape has taken away things such as computer and television time when the boys have broken the rules, prompting Gavin's oft-repeated retort: "Smoking is the one thing you can't take away from me. You can't stop me."
Paape said she has good kids who can be a lot better if they give up their smoking habits.
"For the most part, they are doing the best they can. You can't expect them to be perfect. They're still kids," she said.
In the meantime, call the police if you have to, district attorney Martens said.
"Don't call the cops if they don't make their bed, but smoking as a teen is illegal, and it's just as good for a parent to call as for someone else."
The scary part is some bureaucrat likes the idea.
The mother is proud to announce to her community that -
* She prefers embarassing her children to talking to them
* She refuses to allow her 16 year old to make any decisions for himself
* She is unconcerned about developing any level of trust with her kids
Do I want my kids to smoke? Absolutely not. But I know if I went out of my way to embarass them in this manner, I may as well write off any relationship I'm ever going to have with them. The kid went to his mother and told her the truth, and this is the payment he received.
He won't make that mistake again. Guerilla parenting my ass.
No kidding.
Get a grip. Save the lecture and let's get back to planet reality for a moment, OK? At no point did I say I would give my chidren permission to smoke, but flying off into hysterics, locking them up and plastering their picture all over town would not be my choice of action.
Since we are going to hang out in the reality zone for a while, here are some facts.
* If your child wants to smoke, experiment with alcohol or pot, do you know what you're going to do about it as a parent to stop them? NOTHING. It is going to happen, just like it happened when I was a teenager, when you were a teenager, when everyone on this board was a teenager. You can lock them in their room, take away everything they have, do anything you want, but if they are bound and determined, it's going to happen.
* So instead of behaving like freakin' maniac, take your own advice, remember that you are the adult and act like one. Have a relationship with you kids where you can frankly discuss these things, and they accept your advice on things because they know that you love them and only have their best interests at heart.
* That doesn't involve "mollycoddlying" them, or getting wrapped up in their "rights", it involves having enough credibility to have your kids listen to you when these things come up.
Whether you like it or not, your children are going to grow up and become adults. I would prefer to have a relationship with mine when they leave the nest. I would also prefer that they were able to look at all sides of an issue, make their own decisions and be their own person. If I spend my time thinking for them, and using "because I said so" as my be all and end all reason for everything, I fairly confident that their 18th birthday is going to be like prison release day for them.
So while you're busy handing out lectures, do you have any children of your own? Because I have three, all honor students at private schools, and my oldest is entering college with academic scholarships. In fact my oldest wrote an award-winning essay on why abortion is wrong, has already registered to vote, and plans on voting for Forrester for governor. Do they always behave exactly as I'd like them to? No, but overall I'm pleased with the way things have turned out.
I won't be back on the board until Sunday night. That should give you plenty of time to take the stick out of your ass, actually read what I've written here, and come up with a reply. I simply can't wait for your next gem of parental advice.
Oh, and perhaps my daughter could also teach you a lesson about being a lady. Nice language.
Not even going to dignify that with an answer.
I live in reality land..with 2 lovely daughters.. 1 who is 18, and does not curse, drink, smoke, or have sex...nor has she expressed a desire to. She goes to church regularly, and participates in many healthy hobbies like arts and crafts and cooking.
News flash, sparky. Your kid may not curse around you, but I'd bet dollars to donuts when she gets around her friends it's a different story. Unless of course, when she's not busy "going to church regularly" you keep her locked in her room. I'm not trying to demean your daughter, because I'm certain she's a wonderful child and you're very proud of her. I just think it unlikely that of all the teenagers in this country, you have the one child that is absolutely perfect. I attend lots of church/school functions were the kids are absolute angels around their parents. I've also seen some of these kids in different settings (county fairs, things like that) where there parents weren't around and somehow these kids forget to bring their halos with them. Doesn't make them bad kids, just normal kids doing what normal kids do.
Just found out you were male...not my fault, you talk like a soccer mom.
What's my being male got to do with the price of tea in China? You talk like an idiot whose head is wedged up their a$$, what gender should I assume you are?
You should really get some help with your anger problem, it isn't healthy.
Thank you for the informed reply. It's good to see you can debate at such an advanced level.
Finally, no, I'm not perfect, no we don't have to agree 100 percent, but if you take a leftist position, I will verbally come after you. ------ I don't know about that. I haven't taken any leftist positions, and you're coming after me (if you are unsure about that, just re-read your post #8). You don't have the slightest idea who I am or anything about me, but you've managed to accuse me of:
* not wanting to be bothered raising my children
* having mollycoddled little brats
* having anger management issues
* being a "soccer mom"
* being in the "you can't stop them so let them" camp, and
* being a lazy parent
I am also a PCF (Professing Christian Fundamentalist).
I think that tells me everything I need to know about you. What exactly is a "Professing Christian Fundamentalist"? Because your lecturing, judgemental tone certainly doesn't sound very "christian" to me.
Maybe being embarrassed all of their lives is what got them smoking in the first place. Maybe they could end up dead or ill from trying to hurt themselves because of the embarrassment that their mother is putting them through. What this lady is doing is a form of child abuse.
I will support the rights of all adults who choose to smoke. But I will not support the alleged "rights" of children to screw up their lives because their parents don't have the guts to stand up to them. YOU are the parent. YOU make the decisions.. what if your kids "decided for themselves" to have sex, get AIDS, get pregnant? Would that be ok with you too?
What if these boys were having unprotected sex, would you suggest putting up posters of them all over the neighborhood and asking people to call the police if they saw them kissing someone? Good God.
I'd rather have embarrassed children who are healthy, moral, and decent, than mollycoddled little brats with "high self esteems". Children who are taught to be self centered contribute nothing good to society.
Sorry but not all "embarrassed children" are going to turn out to be "healthy, moral, and decent"; as a matter of fact, the embarrassment 'parenting technique' may have the total opposite effect on those kids.
I think she needs a cigarette and maybe a little something else as well, a glass of wine perhaps. LOL
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