Posted on 02/27/2002 4:20:00 AM PST by Pharmboy
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
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Understanding Engineers - Take Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
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Understanding Engineers - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
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Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
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Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." --Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
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Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
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Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over,picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
That would drive me nuts. Fortunately, my husband knows as little as I do about this. You need a laptop that goes somewhere with a key that only you keep!
Max: Okay so well doo-doo-doo, uh, energy goes like one over wavelength so wavelength goes like one over potential and just plug a few rough numbers in here, h is about 1 times ten to the minus 34, yeah, so order of magnitude here's yer answer dude...
Bud: Hmmmmmmmmrrrggghhh energy equals Planck's constant times the speed of light in vacuum divided by wavelength, right? Lemme look that up. So h, Planck's constant, is 6.63[blah blah blah] times ten to the minus 34 power, and that's in Joules so I have to convert it to flabs per quadrupic centipedes, blah-dee blah-dee blah, where's my calculator, wait I missed a significant digit, wait how the hell does potential come into this?
Bwahaha... Engineers have no vision of the bigger picture. That's all I got to say. Thermo? Thermodynamics is PV = nRT to us, dude...
Chemical Engineers do it in Packed Beds.
That's nothing. Mine kept a dismantled Model A car in my entry hall for a couple of years! (Just all of the parts -- the shell of the body and the chassis were in the garage. Still, it was a lot of stuff in and out of boxes.) I was ordered to not touch it under any circumstances. It gradually made it's way to the garage, piece by piece, however; and he didn't even notice for a while. We're still married.
I remember one time the Mayor of the town stopped by when my husband had the washing machine taken apart all over the kitchen. He looked at me in astonishment and exclaimed, "You let him do that kind of stuff in the house?" "Try and stop him," was my answer.
It actually worked, but I imagine the wife's mother about had a heart attack.
Well, he paid the bill!
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall
heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients
one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor
vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add
ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is
homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three
equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally,
add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care
must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature
rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw
extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piecemeal on a
316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time
that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate
expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the
reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table,
allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to seek out a cute little coil to help him discharge.
He picked up Milli-Amp and took her for a ride in his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge and stopped by a Magnetic field with flowing currents and frolicked in the sine waves.
Micro-Farad, attracted by Millie-Amp's characterisic curves soon had her fully charged and proceeded to excite her resistance to a minimum. He gently laid her at ground potential, raised her frequency and lowered her reluctance.
With a quick arc, he pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it in her socket, connecting them in parallel. He slowly began short circuiting her resistance shunt while quickly raising her thermal conductance level to mil-spec. Fully excited, Milli- Amp mumbled "MHO...MHO...MHO"
With his tube operating well into class C, and her field vibrating with his current flow, a corona formed which instantly caused her shunt to overheat just at the point when Micro-Farad rapidly discharged and drained off every electron into her grid.
They fluxed all night trying various connectors and sockets untill his magnet had a soft core and lost all of its field strength.
Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids and with his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field. Not ready to be quiescent, they spent the rest of the evening reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses.
Coffee | Nose > Keyboard
Translated:
That sent coffee out my nose and onto my keyboard.
Shalom.
If you aren't paying for the server space, it seems to be Jim Rob's place to make those complaints. If you don't want to see it again, you don't have to click on the post.
Shalom.
Oh! guess what's beside my front door - A copy machine the size of a refrigerator. He got it for a great deal when his company decided to lease them. It stopped working a year ago. No charity group will pick it up. We can't throw it away because someone he knows wants it for his church. Maybe they'll stop by and get it up one day. (sigh)
Yeah, I bet.
For all those who know an engineer or at least tell engineer jokes, enjoy…
Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.
Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map… the wrong way.
You might be an engineer if:
... choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
... in college you thought “Spring Break” was metal fatigue failure.
... the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions
... at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
... you bought your wife/girlfriend a new CD-ROM drive (or a Palm Pilot) for her birthday.
... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
... you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
... you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
... you know what http:// stands for.
... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
... you see a good design and still have to change it.
... you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
... you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
... you window shop at Radio Shack.
... your laptop computer costs more than your car.
... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
... You've already calculated how much you make per second.
... you've tried to repair a $5 radio.
If it ain't broke, there must not be any engineers around.
Shalom.
P.S. Before the flames start - yes I R1.
BUMP
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