SALT LAKE CITY (DPI) - The title of "America's Sweetheart" was forcibly ripped from the arms of a screaming Kerri Strug by a group of
security officers working for bronze medalist Michelle Kwan today. "Please, please don't forget about me!" shouted the tearful, whiny hero of the 1996 summer 
games, her last shred of dignity torn from her tiny frame. Kwan was said to be looking forward to "literally months of public appearances." Strug made her last public appearance in 1998, at a ribbon-cutting for a new Hardee's in her hometown of Houston, Texas. (Reported by Travis Ruetenik & Martin Bredeck)
Economists Worry About Growing Gap Between Rich and Economists
NEW YORK (DPI) - A panel of highly respected economists today expressed deep concern about the increasing difference in wealth between the world's richest 1% and the world's economists. "All of our studies show that the rich are getting richer and economists are not getting as rich," said Edgar Lawson, Dean of Economics at Yale University. "This is a global problem that troubles us deeply," added Simon Atkins, Chief Economist for Citigroup, "fortunately we are close to a solution which can be implemented immediately once we have the required funding."
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
Crack Community Now Cracking With Pride
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Empowerment shone like beacons from the faces of homeless drug addicts today, as the city officially relabeled them the "Chemically Dependent, Dwelling Unencumbered Community of Los Angeles". Newly christened CDDUCLA Spokesman Billy "Boily Feet" Harris acknowledged the welcome responsibility accompanying the change in designation: "Yesterday, I would have most definitely killed you for your shoes, but now I'll certainly curb behavior which reflects badly on the community as a whole." To further update the group's image, Harris plans to change the unofficial CDDUCLA motto from "C'mon, Gimme the Fuckin' Nickel" to the more uplifting "The Voices in Our Heads are Voices of Joy."
(Reported by Davejames)
NBC Apologizes for Jim McKay's Olympic Boners
NEW YORK (DPI) - NBC today apologized for airing the "Jim McKay's Olympic Boners segment in which he recounted in detail his Olympic sexual fantasies. Said an NBC spokesperson: "We had no idea there was a problem until he started in with how many humps he would put into the 'Hamill camel,' and the unfortunate incident with 'Li'l Jim'." The segment began innocently with McKay reflecting on the "beauty of sport," but took an abrupt turn when he soliloquized on how "naughty" skater Katarina Witt was and offered to pollinate the entire Olympic village with his superintellectual seed. McKay then confessed his love for Greg Louganis, soiled himself, and fainted.
(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)
Vegetarian Zombies Search for Soy Brains
COWLES, NEBRASKA (DPI) -- Vegetarian zombies stalked the countryside of rural Nebraska today, carving a path of terror across three counties in the search for a healthier, meatless alternative to human brains, it was reported. "Soy brains," mumbled the reanimated corpse of health advocate Marlene Mitchell, 1957-1999. "Must have low-cholesterol grain protein formed into the shape of fresh, juicy live brains." At last report, the mob of health-conscious, brain-dead servants of Hell were heading toward the Omaha Natural Foods Co-op, where terrified Vegan activists had boarded up windows and were cowering under tables armed with potato mashers and wire whisks.
(Reported by Andrea Crain & Travis Ruetenik)