The Ten Worst American Cities to Live In

Bully Magazine ^ | Ken Wohlrob

[Hillary's Folly]

Bully's "Ten Worst American Cities To Live In" List

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By Ken Wohlrob

10. Seattle

Seattle would seem to have everything going for it. Great music, good restaurants, a beautiful landscape, a range of ethnic cultures, and centralized collection of hi-tech businesses that attract brainy folks from places like San Francisco (ever since that city hit the economic slide). So what makes Seattle one of the ten worst cities to live in? Well it's those same techies who fled San Francisco to seek Seattle's venture-capital rich environment, usually after watching the movie Singles, who have turned this once humble and artistic community into a plague of cellphone sporting, PDA carrying idiots who fly around the streets in their Volkswagens while listening to the Flaming Lips. You know that annoying jackass who walks around in the cellphone commercials saying, "Can you hear me now?" He's the official mascot for Seattle. About the only consolation to all this is that Seattle still has one of the highest suicide rates in the nation.

9. Toledo

The first of the Ohio Triplets on our list, Toledo would be the perfect place to re-make The Omega Man. This mostly due to the fact that this Midwestern hole is so bleak, so gray, so devoid of life, that except for rush hour, you wouldn't know that anyone actually lived in Toledo. Forget civic pride, everyone in Toledo knows the city is a hellhole and just stays home to watch TV. Last time we visited, the only after hours joint was located in a hotel for men. Toledo's official city slogan should be "Toledo…We're…well…ah screw it."

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"What can we say about Miami except that it brings out the worst cheesy tendencies in people of all races, creeds, and colors."

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8. Los Angeles

If you look at some of the most talented people to ever walk the planet that ended up destroying themselves - Hemingway, Bruce, Belushi, Morrison, Fitzgerald, Faulkner, Welles, and yes even Osbourne - all have one thing in common. LA.

7. Salt Lake City

This one should be obvious to any intelligent human: Mormons and lots of them. Need we say more?

6. Cincinnati

If you took Chicago, sucked out every last ounce of culture including its thriving music scenes and quality restaurants and bars, leaving a graying hulk of skyscrapers and a complete lack of night life, then you would have Cincinnati. To some Cincinnati is the greatest city in the U.S. - usually these folks are old, white, Christian fundamentalists, confined to wheelchairs, and are very scared of "coloreds." If you are not this type of person and you live in Cincinnati and like it, you have mental problems and should seek professional help.

5. St. Louis

The "Gateway to the West" has three strikes against it. First is that St. Louis has the highest crime rate of any U.S. city. Second, the main architectural landmark looks like an unfinished McDonald's logo. Third, Bob Costas lives there.

4. Atlanta

Any place nicknamed "Hotlanta" has to suck big time. Here's the catch: Did you ever meet someone who went to New York City and said, "I didn't like it, it was too dirty and oh my God there were all these weirdoes." Usually in the next sentence they'll say, "But I really like Hotlanta, it's so cool down there." That's because Atlanta is the city of choice for suburbanites who don't really like cities. Hence Atlanta has turned into nothing more than an over-sprawled suburb, just with more bad bars.

3. Miami

What can we say about Miami except that it brings out the worst cheesy tendencies in people of all races, creeds, and colors. If you want to see blacks, whites, and latinos at their intellectual lowest, than Miami is just for you. Gaudy neon, bad dance clubs, dopey fashionistas, y'all come back now ya hear!

2. Phoenix

Only an idiot would want to spend most of the year trapped in air conditioning. Such an idiot usually moves to Phoenix. Then this dope will say, "Yeah but it's a dry heat." To make matters worse there is absolutely nothing to do in Phoenix besides run from your car's air conditioning to your house's air conditioning. Or you can play golf. Otherwise, they should tear the whole metropolis down and let it just rot back into the desert.

1. Cleveland

The obvious choice for worst city to live in is Cleveland. Not so much because of the lack of culture. Nor is it the lack of a thriving night life. And it is not the constant economic pall that looms over the city. What really makes Cleveland the worst city in all of America is the fact that it shares many of these qualities with other cities - such as its Ohio Twin, Toledo - and refuses to acknowledge it. As a recent article in the Washington Post pointed out, Cleveland peaked in the 1930s and has been on the downslide ever since. To make matters worse, the Plain Dealer - the local city newspaper - found that the higher a young person's education degree, the more likely said person was to move out of Cleveland. In fact it was one of the only three major metropolitan areas in the 1990s to experience such a mass exodus of intelligence. In essence, smart people leave Cleveland while the dumb stay to crank out children and watch the Indians games. Now if you said this to the average Clevelandite, they would call you an a-hole, pound their fist on the table, and insist that Cleveland has just as much to offer as New York City or Chicago. It's almost as if the citizens have become desensitized to the obvious. At least the Toledoans have a clue, but Clevelandites like their city just the way it is and they're damn proud of it…with the closed steel mills, and bad wing joints, and those horrible blues bands that all play a terrible rendition of "Mustang Sally."

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[PJ-Comix]

This author says Cleveland lacks a thriving nightlife? Apparently he's never visited The Flats. It's great. Plenty of restaurants and clubs there plus they are accessible by boats which frequently dock there.

[Utah Binger]

Naive Mormon Arrogance. That's what it is. Attitude is one of we're seeking perfection but we know there is only one true church. It's not yours. We know the rest of the world will someday learn in heaven that we are the ones. A pathetic mentality. We'll never know until we're dead. Such crap!!

[Lazamataz]

4. Atlanta Any place nicknamed "Hotlanta" has to suck big time. Here's the catch: Did you ever meet someone who went to New York City and said, "I didn't like it, it was too dirty and oh my God there were all these weirdoes." Usually in the next sentence they'll say, "But I really like Hotlanta, it's so cool down there." That's because Atlanta is the city of choice for suburbanites who don't really like cities. Hence Atlanta has turned into nothing more than an over-sprawled suburb, just with more bad bars.

I'll give them the point about Atlanta. It is a city with no clear plan whatsoever. It really is a small core surrounded by a hodgepodge highway-riddled suburb.

It's got all the negatives of a suburb with all the negatives of a city. You simply cannot walk anywhere. I'm used to a cute little town called Webster, NY, where you could -- if you wanted the exercise -- walk to all your places of importance, yet was only 13 miles from Rochester, a traditional city.

In Atlanta, they seem to have the idea of having beautiful houses set back from the highways and nice .7 to 1 acre plots that are on extremely busy thoroughfares. I don't get it. Then the little cul-de-sacs are these cheesy little crowded thingEys on .2 acre miniplots.

I just don't get the place. I'm relocating pretty soon.

[Lazamataz]

Most don't realize what a high-tech area Huntsville is. Sort of a well-kept secret.:)

Um, being as Huntsville is a common international spy target, I'd say it's pretty well known by now.

[Lazamataz]

What? Detroit's on the way up, dude.

Not according to RoboCop.

[Sam Cree]

Man, what a snotty article. 'Course the author may be right about these places (except for Miami), but I think he could use an attitude adjustment.

[VegasBaby]

That's interesting about your friend in SL--it probably is the most non-Mormon city in the entire state. However, usually those who have somehow become offended or have left the church (for whatever reason) seem to go out of their way to hate anything Mormon. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not at all trying to put down your friend, but that's generally been my observation. I grew up there and even though I now live in Las Vegas (the anti-Salt Lake) I still to this day can't quite explain what these kind of people have against a city that for all intents and purposes is clean (just look at its Downtown), picturesque, solidly conservative (the state legislature is 90% Republican), has a low crime rate, is cultured (ballet, symphony, theatre district) and provides easy access to a wide variety of outdoor activities. It's not a perfect place, but no place is. I guess if you're looking for a wild lifestyle, then it's definitely not your place. High alcohol content beer? Hop on over to Evanston, WY--you can be there in a little over an hour. As for the predominant religion that resides there...well, that's probably a major reason why it is such a nice place to live. Anyone can say what they want about the Mormon beliefs (i.e. Are they Christian or not Christian?), but that's really quite irrelevant when you are looking at quality of life.

I'll be honest, having grown up there, I couldn't wait to get out, but now that I've been gone awhile, I have grown to appreciate just what a nice place it really is. I like Las Vegas and it's an exciting city to live in, but unless you live the party life and really enjoy gambling, it's really not that spectacular. Salt Lake beats it hands down as far as culture, sports, technology/education and architecture are concerned. It all comes down to what suits the individual.

[Hillary's Folly]

I'll give them the point about Atlanta. It is a city with no clear plan whatsoever.

No offense, Laz, but as a Southerner I would say the problem with Atlanta is that it is populated by too many Yankess who'd rather not be there in the first place. I think the fact that so few people on this lengthy thread have said anything one way or the other about Atlanta solidifies its place on this list. The Yankees who live their don't much like it because as a major city they know it fails, the Southerners who live their don't much like it because as a Southern city they know it fails. It's apathy city, baby.

They don't care about their sports teams, even the Braves. I'll never forget the empty seats during the mid-90's NL championship games, and when the Cubs come to town, they've got more fans than the Braves.

[Hillary's Folly]

their=there(doh!)

[Lazamataz]

No offense, Laz, but as a Southerner I would say the problem with Atlanta is that it is populated by too many Yankess who'd rather not be there in the first place.

I'm workin' on it; I'm workin' on it. :o)

But seriously -- Atlanta has a planning problem. If anything, Atlanta has convinced me that raw market forces make for a mess when it comes to city planning.

I'm a big market-forces guy. But Atlanta shows me that market forces don't make for a well-planned city. Chicago works well. Nice design. CRAPPY state though. Wouldn't live there for love nor money ever again -- especially the former.

New York City f**kin' rocks. Best designed city on the planet, I'd get close to saying. LOVED living there for a couple months. Again, Crappy state.

That's all the cities I know well.

[Pharmboy]

Agreed. Lived in Cinti for four years and loved it. "I'll have a four-way."

[Pharmboy]

There's an old saying in NY advertising circles:

"If it's not New York, it's Bridgeport."

[VegasBaby]

With all due respect, it seems as if you're guilty of the same intolerance that you claim Mormons exhibit. A pathetic mentality, huh? Such crap? How very tolerant you are of their beliefs. Ah yes...Mormon hating (the non-Mormon Utahns' favorite pastime). I guess my question to you would be why you choose to live in such horror if it's really that terrible.

BTW, most Mormons probably could care less what religion you choose to practice. Go with what works best for you and don't worry about what others think. Just a little advice from an ex-Utahn.

[JoeSchem]

Seems to be a liberal bias, given the constant ranting about 'culture.' Culture is on TV, CDs, the internet, and in books, and it doesn't matter where you live. What about the cultural relevance of Live Theater? Well, yeah, if you're a lesbian.

[lady lawyer]

No flame. This Mormon who lives in Provo and works in Salt Lake says "Listen to the man. If what he says resonates with you at all, please, please stay away."

[lady lawyer]

Shhh. Keep quiet about Salt Lake.

[biffalobull]

I think Detroit has been abandoned.

Where is Washington DC.? It should be abondoned

[lady lawyer]

Andy. Shhhhhh. Anybody who resonates at all to what the author of this article is saying should avoid Salt Lake like the plague.

[Joe Hadenuf]

With the Internet and mail order, who needs city hassle? Our air is clean and our water pure. There is no traffic. Almost Heaven, San Juan Mountains.

Agree, Many small towns in desirable areas are really growing.

Cities become more crowded, polluted, more crime, and less desirable people move to them. This is happening everywhere in major cities.

My advice to all is to move near or on the outskirts of a smaller town or city, with less than say 75,000 people and grow with it, as it will be a long time until these smaller, more desirable towns ever resemble big cities.

Major cities are a trap. Cookie cutter suburbs and apartments are like civilian worker barracks. Just too much crap going on.

People that like to target shoot, ride ATVs, dirt bikes, and enjoy the real outdoor hiking etc, have to drive further and further from the major cities. Sometimes hours.

Besides, most all cities and towns over say 60,000 in desireable areas have everything, except maybe a football stadium, and even then, the best seats are in your own living room.

[Richard Kimball]

I thought about TX but chose to re-locate to FL's gulf coast instead due to the relative lack of person-icanes.

Isn't moving to Florida because Texas has too many hurricanes like moving to New Orleans because there are too many drunks in Pensacola?