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Posted on 10/12/2003 8:05:13 AM PDT by harpu
What advice would Jesse have for Arnold?
Jesse "The Mind" Ventura calls Arnold "The Body" Schwarzenegger to congratulate him on his win in the California recall election:
Jesse: You hoss! You gave that guy Davis the Figure Four, the knee drop and the full Nelson!
Arnold: "Hasta la vista, baby!" Thank you, Kallyfornia!
Jesse: I've got Rowdy Roddy Piper and Stone Cold Steve Austin here, and they want to know if you're hitting the creatine again? Your arms look HUGE, man. HUGE. Bigger than Gary Coleman.
Arnold: No, really, I'm hitting the books with Warren Buffett. We've got to get this state in shape.
Jesse: Tell Warren to start with 1,000 push-ups.
Arnold: Seriously, man, I'm not making movies anymore; I'm going to be a hands-on governor.
Jesse: Watch those hands, buddy. The media jackals are out for you.
Arnold: That just turns me on. (loud laughter) Actually, you know I did apologize for acting badly.
Jesse: In the Predator?
Arnold: No, in the debate.
Jesse: I see where that broad Arianna went down the toilet.
Arnold: Shhhhh. Don't let anybody hear you say that, or I'll have all those Gloria women, Gloria Steinem and Gloria Allred, on my back again.
Jesse: Just give 'em the body slam.
Arnold: Listen, I think Maria can handle them.
Jesse: Man, you overmarried. She saved your behind with that stand-by-your-man smile and those speeches.
Arnold: I know, I know, believe me. I thanked her first thing. But she still knows who wears the pants in the family.
Jesse: I heard President Bush called you.
Arnold: Yeah. You should have heard the silence on the line when I said I was "groping" for the right words. I could hear Karl Rove chuckling on the other line.
Jesse: I'm still an independent, but I've gotta admit you laid the Democrats on the mat. Man, you got more votes than Gray Davis did last time! And you and that other Republican, McClintock, got nearly 60 percent of the vote. It's a blowout. Conan the Destroyer.
Arnold: Yeah, but I still have to deal with the fact that every other leader in Sacramento is a Democrat. Cruz Bustamante is still the lieutenant governor.
Jesse: Whaddya going to do to get them on your side?
Arnold: I'm just gonna tell them, "Lay down your arms and surrender, and no one will get hurt." That usually works.
Jesse: The Hulk and The Rock said they would come if you need any help. Isn't two-thirds of the budget off-limits? How are you going to get at that state deficit? That car tax backfired on Davis big time.
Arnold: Jamie Lee Curtis says it should be a tax on coffee latte and botox.
Jesse: But not body oil?
Arnold: Or schnitzel, for sure. (loud laughter)
Jesse: Well, I just wanted to call and say I'm available any time you need some advice, you know, on how to snub newspaper editorial boards, that kind of thing.
Arnold: I thought you were starting a new TV show in Minnesota?
Jesse: I did last week, but the ratings weren't too hot. Maybe I should invite that lady who ran against you, Mary Carey, to see if that pumps things up a little.
Arnold: Yeah, baby, she's got some real assets. (boyish laughter)
Jesse: Seriously, maybe you could get me a plug on Leno. Some people think I ought to run for senator.
Arnold: Well, it worked for me. It's a new day in politics. Some day people will look back and say this was the beginning of a new era, when Hollywood got real muscle in politics.
Jesse: Hey, that's good. You made a pun.
Arnold: Oh, yeah? I'll have to have someone remember that for me. Listen, man, thanks for calling, it means a lot, but I've got to tape a guest shot for K Street.
Jesse: Is that the new show with the real politicians mixed in with the actors and lobbyists like James Carville and Mary Matalin?
Arnold: Right. They tell me it's an "in" thing to have a cameo, like on The West Wing.
Jesse: But you gotta admit, a little bit of Carville and Matalin is too much. Somebody show that guy how to powder his head, puleeze.
Arnold: For sure. I just hope I can remember which ones are the real politicians.
Jesse: They're the mediocre ones.
Arnold: You're so bad. I love you, man. I'm counting on you to come to my inauguration.
Jesse: I'll get out my best boa.
Arnold: Perfect. Eunice will love it. And Entertainment Tonight will want it for sure.
Rena Pederson is editor at large of The Dallas Morning News. Her e-mail address is rpederson@dallasnews.com.
Try not to just sit back and relax, and watch the Truth get mauled!
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