First, let me say that I hope you find peace, soon.
Second, let me say you're absolutely right about having authority over another. Authority and control is not the answer to a thriving, healthy relationship.
I understand your aversion to divorce and admire you're willingness to make things work. But your not being fair to yourself, by hanging on to something, that by your own description, is beyond the point of saving.
Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.