Beware the 5 Stages of "Grief" [practical advice for McClintock supporters, as the race ends]

www.counselingforloss.com ^ | Last Update 02/01/01 | TLC Group, Dallas Texas

[RonDog]

Beware the 5 Stages of "Grief"

Editorial - TLC Group, Dallas Texas

Few concepts have insinuated themselves into the popular culture as thoroughly as the so called "5 Stages of Grief": Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. We've heard it from professionals in all areas of the healthcare system (who should know better) as well as from lay persons of all ages (who shouldn't). There is even a lengthy comedy routine about it by Dustin Hoffman playing Lenny Bruce in the movie Lenny. The time has now come to ditch it as the concept has done more harm than good.

Three Common Myths about the 5 Stages:

1. The 5 Stages of Grief were defined by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross In her book "On Death and Dying", Macmillan Publishing Company, 1969, she presents 5 stages terminally ill persons may go through upon learning of their terminal illness. She presents them as "an attempt to summarize what we have learned from our dying patients in terms of coping mechanisms at the time of a terminal illness". These stages were not originally the 5 stages of Grief but better: The 5 Stages of Receiving Catastrophic News. Over the next 28 years, healthcare professionals, clergy, nurses, doctors, caregivers, students, and other readers of the book somehow mutated the stages into the 5 stages of Grief.
   
2. The 5 Stages define the process a bereaved person must go through in order to resolve their grief. Grief is a complicated, multi-dimensional, individual process that can never be generalized in 5 steps. In fact, as will be shown, a person will generally have to go through the 5 stages before true grieving can even begin.
   
3. A person who isn't progressing through the 5 stages in sequence and in a timely manner needs professional help. This common belief has caused a lot of problems and misunderstandings. One researcher has shown that some caregivers have actually gotten angry at the bereaved person for not following the stages in order! The person shouldn't be angry yet because they haven't been through Denial.

All of the above points to a basic misunderstanding about what grief is to begin with so it's not surprising that myths continue to propagate. This is most likely because the pervasiveness and impact of grief wasn't really recognized by the psychological community until around the 1980s and even then it was slow in coming.

For example, in 1974 "The Handbook of Psychiatry" defined grief as "...the normal response to the loss of a loved one by death." Response to other kinds of losses were labeled "Pathological Depressive Reactions".

In 1984, Dr. Terese Rando---a noted grief specialist, researcher and author---defined grief as "...process of psychological, social and somatic reactions to the perception of loss".

In 1991, the Grief Resource Foundation of Dallas, Texas found that, for them, a good working and practical definition of Grief as "the total response of the organism to the process of change".

Today, in December 1996, we at TLC Group have come to accept the Grief Response as the Unified Field Theory of All Mental Illness (a subject of another Tip of The Month!)

Curiously, most non-grief specialists commonly accept the definition of grief given in 1974. So what is grief and what produces it? A helpful equation, which proves itself daily in all instances is: Change=Loss=Grief.

This means that:

1. A change of circumstance of any kind (a change from one state to another) produces a loss of some kind (the stage changed from) which will produce a grief reaction.
   
2. The intensity of the grief reaction is a function of how the change-produced loss is perceived. If the loss is not perceived as significant, the grief reaction will be minimal or barely felt.
   
3. Significant grief responses which go unresolved can lead to mental, physical, and sociological problems and contribute to family dysfunction across generations.

So, are the 5 Stages without value? Not if they are used as originally intended, as The 5 Stages of Receiving Catastrophic News. One can even extrapolate to The 5 Stages of Coping With Trauma. Death need not be involved.

As an example, apply the 5 stages to a traumatic event most all of us have experienced: The Dead Battery! You're going to be late to work so you rush out to your car, place the key in the ignition and turn it on. You hear nothing but a grind; the battery is dead.

1. DENIAL --- What's the first thing you do? You try to start it again! And again. You may check to make sure the radio, heater, lights, etc. are off and then..., try again.
   
2. ANGER --- "%$@^##& car!", "I should have junked you years ago." Did you slam your hand on the steering wheel? I have. "I should just leave you out in the rain and let you rust."
   
3. BARGAINING --- (realizing that you're going to be late for work)..., "Oh please car, if you will just start one more time I promise I'll buy you a brand new battery, get a tune up, new tires, belts and hoses, and keep you in perfect working condition.
   
4. DEPRESSION --- "Oh God, what am I going to do. I'm going to be late for work. I give up. My job is at risk and I don't really care any more. What's the use".
   
5. ACCEPTANCE --- "Ok. It's dead. Guess I had better call the Auto Club or find another way to work. Time to get on with my day; I'll deal with this later."

This is not a trivial example. In fact, we all go through this process numerous times a day. A dead battery, the loss of a parking space, a wrong number, the loss of a pet, a job, a move to another city, an overdrawn bank account, etc. Things to remember are:

• Any Change Of Circumstance can cause us to go through this process.
  
• We don't have to go through the stages in sequence. We can skip a stage or go through two or three simultaneously.
  
• We can go through them in different time phases. The dead battery could take maybe 5 to 10 minutes, the loss of a parking space 5 to 10 seconds. A traumatic event which involves the Criminal Justice System can take years.
  
• The intensity and duration of the reaction depends on how significant the change-produced loss is perceived.

It was mentioned above that Grieving only begins where the 5 Stages of "Grief" leave off. Grief professionals often use the concept of "Grief Work" to help the bereaved through grief resolution. One common definition of Grief Work is summarized by the acronym TEAR:

T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality

This is Grief Work. It begins when the honeymoon period is over, the friends have stopped calling, everyone thinks you should be over it, the court case is resolved, "closure" has been effected, and everything is supposed to be back to normal. It's at this point that real grieving begins.

Notice that the first step of Grief Work is ACCEPTANCE, the last stage of the 5 Stages of Grief. Let's throw out the 5 stages of grief and replace it with a greater understanding of Grief Recognition and Resolution.

TLC Group grants anyone the right to use this information without compensation so long as the copy is not used for profit or as training materials in a profit making activity such as workshops, lectures, and seminars, and so long as this paragraph is retained in its entirety.

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Last Update 02/01/01

Copyright © 1997 by Counseling For Loss & Life Changes
All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form whatsoever.

[RonDog]

As the inevitability of the impending loss by Tom McClintock becomes more and more certain, many of my long-term FRiends on this forum are beginning to act in an uncharacteristically irrational manner.

Last night's debate was the "Last Chance" for Tom, and while his execution as extraordinary, it was not enough.

Arnold did not self-destruct, so he won - both the debate, and the election.

As this disappointing (and FRUSTRATING) news begins to sink in - both at Team McClintock and here on this forum, many of my otherwise rational conservative FRiends may be going through some of the "Five Stages of Grief." As this article explains, these original ideas proposed by Dr. Kubler-Ross were for "Receiving Catastrophic News" - but they have long since been corrupted by endless repetition and psychobabble.

Still, it might be a good idea for BOTH sides of the Arnold/Tom debate here to realize what will be happening here on an EMOTIONAL level in the next few days, prior to the election of Governor Schwarzenegger.

[AppyPappy]

Is it true that Arnold insisted on having the questions before the debate?

[RonDog]

ping

[RonDog]

Is it true that Arnold insisted on having the questions before the debate?

No, that is NOT true.

More on that "urban myth" soon.

[Cacophonous]

Not true. But he did limit himself to the one debate where all the questions were provided - to all debate participants - ahead of time.

[thoughtomator]

Interesting that for a liberal the standard is "doesn't self-destruct", but for a conservative, "extraordinary" isn't good enough.

If McClintock doesn't win, I for one will make certain that liberals in the GOP become my #1 target. Losing is acceptable; not being able to get a conservative choice even out of the GOP is not. One Jumpin' Jim Jeffords is enough!

[samtheman]

These debates are always about the same few issues argued over and over again for weeks before the actual debate. Look at the nine ninnies (now the ten dimwits). They didn't have their questions handed to them in advance... but they certainly had their answers prepared in advance, well in advance. And the prepared text is what they stuck to, regardless of the actual questions.

This obsession with whether or not the questions were "supplied in advance" is silly. They're always supplied in advance.

[AmericanMade1776]

I watched the Governor debate in California last night, and I have to say that the two best candidates on the stage were Tom McClintock and Arnold Swchwartenegger.

Neither One lost last night. Both were solid in their presentations, and I felt at times, it was to our advantage to have TWO Republicans on the stage, as there was only one Green Party, one Democrat, and One from the Pest Party.

At times I felt it added Strength to both of our guys. Even though Arnold did really well, it helped for him to have Tom McClintock there beside him with the facts and figures. Great Team, maybe..maybe...ARNOLD WILL NEED A LT GOV by the name of MCClintock :)

[RonDog]

Is it true that Arnold insisted on having the questions before the debate?

See also, from Dan Weintraub, one of the BEST reporters on the recall - at www.sacbee.com/insider:

September 18, 2003

Question time

AP has moved a story saying Bustamante, McClintock, Camejo and Hufffington are drafting a letter in which they will threaten to boycot next week's debate unless the sponsors drop 12 questions submitted by the public and already released and use a traditional format instead. It's not clear from the story whether the letter will really come together. There seems to be some question whether all the candidates are really willing to threaten to drop out. Stan Statham, president of the California Broadcasters Assn, says the format will not change.

A couple of things:

1. Schwarzenegger has already said they he would be happy to debate next Wednesday whether the questions are released in advance, or not.

2. The candidates, and to some extent the press, don't seem to understand that this is designed as a free-wheeling debate. The questions will be openers. After the first response, all the candidates get to jump in with rebuttal, followups, comment or whatever they like. The four who are complaining can spend all 90 minutes peppering Arnold with questions if they like. This would seem to hold the potential to be superior to any of the previous debates.

Disclosure: The idea of releasing the questions in advance was mine, and it was intended to engage the public in a discussion of the issues in advance of the debate, increasing expectations for the candidates to answer in more than sound bites.

[RonDog]

I watched the Governor debate in California last night, and I have to say that the two best candidates on the stage were Tom McClintock and Arnold Swchwartenegger.

Great minds think alike!

As I posted previously:

As it happened, the Debate Watching Party that I chose to attend tonight was the same one that Hugh Hewitt and Shawn Steel attended.

Thanks for the invite, Mr. B. :o)

Hugh summed up the debate as follows:

1 - NONE of the debate participants said anything about wanting to keep Gray Davis in office.

2 - The TOP TWO best debaters on that panel were both Republicans.

3 - We really need to contact the debate organizers at www.CAbroadcasters.org, and tell them that it was a VERY BAD idea to include the two marginal candidates, Huffington and Camejo.

[RonDog]

Interesting that for a liberal the standard is "doesn't self-destruct", but for a conservative, "extraordinary" isn't good enough.

Sort of.

Although it would be MORE accurate to say:

...for the front runner the standard is "doesn't self-destruct", but for the underdog, "extraordinary" isn't good enough.

[habs4ever]

Hilarious! ROFL!

I read some of it last night on the debate thread, as reality sunk in that the "better man" won't win, even though he's smarter, blah blah...Dems used to say the same junk for comfort when Carter lost to Ronnie.

[RonDog]

Hilarious! ROFL!

I originally intended for this thread to be HUMOROUS, but as I posted it, I realized that this is SERIOUS, as well.

Many of my best friends as McClintock supporters, and SOME if them were really getting weird recently.

It helps to realize that these very emotional reactions that we have been experiencing lately are PREDICTABLE results of a traumatic experience.

We NEED the conservative "heart and soul" of our party to survive this election, and live to fight another day, IMHO.

[habs4ever]

If your friends are going to be traumatized by a recall, well, Ron, they ought to go out for long walks.This has been a gift to Republicans, and not the norm on how elections are run, so any opportunity to voice displeasure at Davis, should be seen in its proper context.If they thought McClintock had a chance from the start, they were fantasizing, so I can't have much sympathy if they are in the dumps.ANY Republican is an improvement on Davis, so they ought to be very grateful for what has happened now.

[AmericanMade1776]

I am in Massachusetts, and really had not seen Tom McClintock before, he did an excellent job. We are truly blessed to have such wonderful talent within the Republican party. And for those of you who are not Republicans, You are blessed to have such Wonderful Americans as Tom McClintock and Arnold (the last name kills me to spell). :-)

[AmericanInTokyo]

A.S. didn't win by a longshot, but he did not do too bad and he did not self destruct or crash and burn or commit any kind of "I don't think the Poles consider themselves enslaved" type gaffe.

The winner, strictly from a delivery, charisma, passion, delivery and polite perspective, had to be Peter Camejo--yet he had the most lame brained approaches of all of them.

McClintock had his facts right; an encyclopedic mind without a trace of bullshit or insincerity. While Ariana was a dippy broad in need of a sedative, Bustamante was downright arrogant, rude, condescending and nasty...he probably was the biggest loser, IMHO.

[Redleg Duke]

That mindset is the primary reason Liberals continue to exist.

[thoughtomator]

Is it? I thought a craven desire for power at all costs was the reason Liberals exist.

[CheneyChick]

You need to forward this to Tom. I think he's permanently stuck in the Denial phase, however...

[Ditter]

I was going to comment on the 5 Stages of Grief from the perspective of a person who has been thru them & understands. But I see this is really about the govs. race in CA so I will just say, I am *so glad* that is your problem not mine. Best of luck, CA needs all the help it can get.