Posted on 09/09/2003 1:43:15 PM PDT by PJ-Comix
Matt was trying to explain how it felt to put his left hand on the naked right breast of a high-priced hooker.
"Instantly, I felt life come into me," he told the television camera, and when he said "me" he clearly meant "a very specific part of me." Matt recalled deploying the counter-measures: He thought of Rosie O'Donnell and of baseball, which is no longer the American pastime but still stands unchallenged as a gender's pre-eminent distracting mental image. He envisioned hitting a home run but, dang it all, when he rounded third he pictured that naked, high-priced hooker waiting for him at home plate. Summing up his attempt to remain at ease, Matt adopted a forlorn visage and remarked: "It didn't work too well."
At this point, you probably have questions. Who is Matt? Why did he have his left hand on the naked right breast of a high-priced hooker? And, more to the point, Rosie O'Donnell? A crisis of that magnitude -- hand, naked breast, high-priced hooker -- demanded the mental imagery of at least Bea Arthur, and quite possibly all three Golden Girls.
The meeting of Matt's left hand and the high-priced hooker's naked right breast occurred during the premiere episode of The Joe Schmo Show, a new series that airs Tuesdays on the U.S. cable channel Spike TV, which brands itself as the First Network for Men. And may I just say: It's about bloody time. For too long now all those other several hundred channels have catered exclusively to women, denying the unfairer sex the opportunity to regard chesty ingenues and live sporting events and chesty ingenues competing in live sporting events. Now, mercifully, there is at last a manly oasis where manly men can watch manly programs that are about, I can only assume, manliness. (Note to editor: Please place preceding three sentences in a special font -- sarcastics.)
Joe Schmo is a parody of reality shows. This sounds simple, but it's made more complex by the fact that during the past couple of years, reality shows have themselves become parodies of reality shows, which means that Joe Schmo is in fact parodying parodies. Spike TV also airs a lot of Star Trek: The Next Generation and I'd imagine that, were he called on to speculate, the android Data might warn that the parodying of parodies could prompt the television universe to collapse upon itself and cause a rupture in the space-time continuum, or at least the brain of a defenceless television critic. And then he'd probably go on about how he's fascinated by humanity and wishes to be more human and golly wouldn't it be interesting to have emotions and you'd have to kind of back slowly into the turbo lift, all the time thinking to yourself: "I should have just asked the freaking Klingon."
So here's the gimmick: The cast of The Joe Schmo Show is, with one exception, made up exclusively of actors. The exception is Matt Kennedy Gould, an amiable, twentywhatever law-school dropout from Pittsburgh who delivers pizza for a living and lives with his parents. Matt thinks he's on a show called Lap of Luxury, on which nine strangers must live together in an opulent mansion, with the victorious contestant winning US$100,000. But everyone else is actually playing a reality show stereotype: Among others, there's the gay guy, the conniving bitch, the virgin, the war veteran and the asshole, who is actually referred to on the show as The Asshole, a brash flaunting of profanity in prime time apparently being a hallmark of the First Network for Men.
The show is both repellent and fascinating, and there's every chance it's fascinating because it's so repellent. Matt is quite possibly the least annoying person ever to be cast on a reality series. He's a nice guy, principled, mannerly, a bit doughier than your typical reality-show mandroid. He's genuinely blown away by the presence of smoked salmon in the lunch buffet. When a fellow "contestant" brings up the topic of the show's jackpot, Matt immediately says he's not in it for the money. He then clarifies: "Getting that money will change my place in life. I've slacked off a lot and a lot of people my age are ahead of me, but ..."
Someone interjects: "So why ARE you here?"
Matt: "Because I have nothing else to do."
From that point on, anyone with even a reasonable facsimile of a heart is going to cringe as a massive, multi-million-dollar infrastructure is deployed for the sole purpose of exposing Matt to ridicule.
So on one hand, you feel just awful for the guy. The other hand, alas, is more likely than not to be wiping away tears of laughter. This is a very funny show. To their credit, the producers have not made it easy on themselves, nor their cast. The conventions of the reality genre are mocked so lustily that there are moments you simply cannot believe that Matt doesn't catch on.
There's the whole Hands on a High-Priced Hooker game, for one. That might have got some folks to suspecting -- although, as we learned, Matt's mind was otherwise occupied at the time. There's the Lord of the Manor Immunity Showdown, on which contestants compete for the right to wear the Pimped Out Immunity Robe. And let's not forget the Riches to Rags Eviction Ceremony, during which the show's host solemnly remarks of the evening's ousted contestant: "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, (contestant's name), you're dead to us." At which point he hurls a commemorative plate bearing the contestant's image into a fireplace. Yes, these are what folks in the detective business like to call "clues."
I can't say with any certainty how it will get there, but I think I have a good sense where this program will end up. Given the premise of the series, it seems implausible that the producers would decide on a cash prize of only US$100,000, which is a pittance compared to the Survivor windfall. It's fake money, so why not say the winner gets a million bucks, or two million, or five? I'd wager the reason is that at the end, after the secret is revealed and the abject humiliation captured, they're going to give Matt the money.
And should Matt ever again find his left hand on the naked right breast of a high-priced hooker, and suddenly feel life come into him, he can simply think back on how he felt the minute he found out he was Joe Schmo. A naked Bea Arthur would be positively arousing by comparison
*lol* So glad I've cleared my busy Tuesday night schedule!
I did like the twist in the show. They had to do something.. Ingrid knew
The new girl looks like she's goin to fall for it hook line & sinker.
The lie detector bit was pretty funny. Escpecially with Gerald.
Joe Schmo II is equally as funny.
Did anybody else out there see Joe Schmo II last night? It was BRUTAL!!! The new girl, Amy, looked like she was going to have a mental meltdown. If you missed it, check the reruns.
I hope BRYCE makes a comeback...............
The part with the love coupon was damn funny. I thought the new girl was going to faint. Did you catch after the pearl necklace ceremony when Tim told the ladies if they wanted another pearl necklace, he would be upstairs?
YEAH!! I busted up after that.......... "Holy Shnikeys!"
This show is hysterical. Bryce's poem in "ancient man" vernacular was so silly. And the Pork and Beans video... Geez.
Could somebody explain why Joe Schmo II is broadcast at 11 PM? It is an entertaining show but I always have a struggle trying to stay awake due to its late hour. Meanwhile Spike TV broadcasts Star Trek: The Next Generation at 8 PM. Is this DOPEY programming or what? Why not SWITCH those times. Star Trek is just a rerun while Joe Schmo II is an original show.
No more Monticore, awwww. But it was nice to see him hitting the patio door again.
Bryce is the best actor the show has ever had. I can't wait to see what they have him do next week. I would have him peaking in windows at Tim, just to watch him scream.
They have really gone over the top lately, in a fun way. It's unbelievable that the two Schmos are still buying it. Must be Democrats.
I think Tim is beginning to have doubts. But man, was it funny last night. I missed the first part, when they brought back Tim because I guess Bryce killed Montecore in exchange for Montecore killing Everett. But the line dance, the dance-off, the eviction ceremony were all so funny. Amanda looks like she'll believe anything. Geez. So Cammie is gone, but I still think Bryce was the better actor: he really looked and acted like a crazy guy.
It's a great show but why do the morons at SPIKE broadcast it so late? It's torture to try to stay up to see it. I crashed last night before it even started.
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