If Noah lived today.

Internet | 08/22/03 | unknown

[Wolfie]

If Noah lived today...

...he'd be one very old coot.

[mhking]

"Noah, how long can you tread water?"

[alancarp]

If Noah lived today... he'd have used paragraphs (wink)!

[ClearCase_guy]

[begin Dana Carvey grumpy old man voice]
"When I was young, we didn't have any land. We had to live on a great big boat that was loaded with animals. It smelled awful -- but we liked it!"
[/Dana Carvey grumpy old man voice]

[ibheath]

lol

[stainlessbanner]

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard. I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the US Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.

"Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire.

"The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly, "The government already has!"

[Constitutionalist Conservative]

"Noah, how long can you tread water?"

...RIGHT!

One of Cosby's all-time greatest routines.

[stainlessbanner]

Lessons Learned from Noah and the Ark

1. Don't miss the boat.
2. Try to remember that we're all in the same boat.
3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark, you know.
4. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
5. Don't listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done.
6. Build your future on high ground.
7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8. Two heads are better than one.
9. Speed isn't always an advantage; after all, the snails were on board with the cheetahs.
10. When you're stressed, try floating awhile.
11. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic that was built by professionals.
12. Remember that woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than storms outside.
13. No matter what the difficulty, trust in the Almighty: There'll be a rainbow at the end of the storm.

[Egregious Philbin]

If Noah had lived.

[mass55th]

If Noah lived today...

I figure he wouldn't be living in my neck of the woods. Here in the Mohawk Valley of New York State, it rains just about every other day at least 5 months of the year, and snows the other 7 months. I'm sure Noah's just about had it with arks and water.

[Lazamataz]

My eyes are gushing blood.

[joesnuffy]

He would be building an 'Asbestos' ark...oh thats right
He would never get a permit to build any kind of ark let alone an asbestos one

[thatdewd]

That was a wonderful post! LOL.

[Eric in the Ozarks]

Mohawk Valley. Isn't that where they wear those funny haircuts ?

[lilylangtree]

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign "Finkelstein, the Tailor." So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much He owed but Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor." Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business!" "Would you
consider a partnership?"

"Certainly," replied Jesus, "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus, after all, I am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually-acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.

Can you guess what it read?





Are you sure you want to know?






Here it comes...............................







Don't say you weren't warned.............







"LORD &TAYLOR"

[hang 'em]

and two of every kind of living thing on the planet..

Only two? What about the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered animals?

[Ol' Sox]

That was an instant hit in the office! Thanks!

[ChewedGum]

Only two? What about the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered animals?

Ouch! I think they evolved themselves to extinction without requring the flood.

Gum