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Posted on 08/17/2003 2:47:59 PM PDT by PJ-Comix
If you help make me the next President of the United States, I'll give you a . . . HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS!!! That's right. Just vote for me in 2004 and I'll give you $100 million!
Even the least skeptical among you must now be viewing this absurd offer with suspicious eyes. After all, how could I even come up with all that money? I can't even raise the money I'm supposed to need to launch my much-vaunted Liberal News Network. On top of that, what proof would I have that you even voted for me?
Well, if this $100 million offer sounds ridiculous, you now have a good idea of how silly the basic plot premise of S.W.A.T. is. We are supposed to believe that if an incarcerated international criminal makes an offer of $100 million to anyone who can free him, that street thugs will come out of the woodwork to take him up on his dubious promise. In one scene a motorized police caravan supposedly transporting this criminal to a federal detention center is attacked by scores of hoodlums from cars, buildings, and the streets, firing a vast array of assault rifles, bazookas, and rockets. Of course, even if these thugs succeeded in freeing the international criminal, how could they ever collect the $100 million? There would be no way to find the guy since he would be sure to go into deep hiding after his getaway. But even if the bigshot criminal could be found by one of the attackers, what could the liberator say?—"Uh, I was one of the dozens of guys firing an AK-47 rifle on that police motorcade. Now can I have that $100 million?"
Dopey as this premise is, the one thing that saves S.W.A.T. is the fact that the international criminal is a Frenchman. At last the movies have found the PERFECT nationality to use as a screen villain. The German bad guy has been overdone. Russian commies served as screen villains followed by the Russian Mafia and crazed Middle Eastern terrorists. But none of them were nearly as impressive in representing sheer villainy as the French as we can see in S.W.A.T..
Olivier Martinez as Alex Montel, the incredibly arrogant French international criminal just oozes with total heinousness. And the funny thing is that he played the part with complete credibility (except for his dopey big money offer to free him). To see Alex Montel in S.W.A.T. is just like meeting real life average Frenchmen. Okay, maybe they don't all cut their own uncle's throats and spit on him like Montel did but most of those French actually do have the same sneering arrogance as the Frenchie in S.W.A.T.. Go to Paris and you will see THOUSANDS of Alex Montels sneering at you and all things American with Gallic arrogance. Why Hollywood never thought of using a typical Frenchie as a villain before, I don't know, but now that they have, they should really mine that nationality for more detestable screen characters. Americans won't get too worked up over Latvian, Japanese, or even Iraqi bad guys but the sight of a French villain on the screen is sure to set the Red, White, and Blue blood boiling.
However, great as Olivier Martinez was as a completely detestable Frenchman, the rest of the S.W.A.T. cast performances ranged from mediocre to ridiculous. Colin Farrell as S.W.A.T. member, Jim Street, loses his girlfriend in a scene that causes about as much emotional distress to him as a fisherman tossing an undersized catch back into the water. I can't say I blamed him. Street's girlfriend delivered some half-hearted spiel hinting that since they didn't appear to be headed towards the altar, she might as well split. A little word of advice here: women, such as Street's girlfriend, who have pierced tongues aren't exactly marriage material.
The only other hint of a romance in S.W.A.T. came when Street went home with a fellow S.W.A.T. member, Chris Sanchez (Michelle Fernandez). After seeing a scene of the completely unfeminine Sanchez's body covered with ugly razor cuts, I was ardently praying that there would be NO sex scene. Fortunately my prayer was answered but that didn't save the rest of S.W.A.T. from crappy performances (except for Olivier Martinez) and absurd scenes.
To watch S.W.A.T. you would think that the primary qualifications of being a S.W.A.T. team member would be listening to loud rock music, covering your body with tattoos, and ripping your shirt off your body at the slightest pretext to show off your washboard abs. The latter scene actually did happen in a public restaurant at a S.W.A.T. beer party. To get an idea of how ridiculous that scene was, try to visualize Joe Friday from Dragnet ripping off his shirt to show off his abs. Come to think of it, Joe Friday probably didn't even know what an ab was. Joe Friday also didn't go in for paramilitary showboating. Watch the Dragnet re-runs and mostly what you see is Joe Friday doing routine question- and-answer police work. You hardly ever saw Joe Friday shooting it up or beating the crap out of a bad guy.
Police units rarely conducted paramilitary operations back in Joe Friday's time. All efforts were made to QUIETLY arrest suspects in order to avoid deadly shootouts. The S.W.A.T. paramilitary mentality did not set in with law enforcement agencies until sometime in the 1970s. Before then it was considered a job perk NOT to have to wear a uniform. Nowadays, even FBI agents will don paramilitary gear at the slightest opportunity.
A good example of how this paramilitary S.W.A.T. mentality could lead to trouble was the BATF (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms) raid on the Branch Davidians near Waco, Texas in 1993. At any time the ATF agents could have detained the Branch Davidian leader, David Koresh, for questioning whenever he went out jogging. However, this never would have made the TV news and since the ATF needed some good publicity for more funding, they decided to launch an Operation Showtime paramilitary raid. I suspect it wasn't just the need for funding that inspired Operation Showtime but also the desire by the ATF agents to wear kewl looking Super Ninja Warrior military outfits.
So intent was the ATF to launch Operation Showtime that even after the ATF team leader, Chuck Sarabyn, was warned that Koresh knew they were coming, he went ahead with the raid anyway. I guess poor Chuckie just couldn't pass up an opportunity to look like a big bad Ninja warrior backed up by helicopter gunships and armored vehicles.
Of course, as we well know now, Sarabyn's obsession with paramilitary operations led to disaster. Months after this raid Sarabyn was fired . . . only to be rehired and PROMOTED later. Why? The answer is simple: blackmail. Even though Chuck Sarabyn became the Poster Boy of Failed Paramilitary Operations, he threatened to reveal ATF memos that could also implicate others higher up the command chain.
That ATF S.W.A.T. raid served as a warning against needless paramilitary operations until a couple of months later when the FBI caused most of the Branch Davidians who survived the first botched raid to burn alive in a second S.W.A.T. raid that incorporated tanks armed with tear gas and mysterious "Ninja warriors" firing automatic weapons into the Branch Davidian compound. Speaking of automatic weapons, even though this was supposedly the reason for the first raid, no automatic weapons were ever found belonging to the Branch Davidians. However, since their legal semi- automatic weapons COULD have been converted to illegal automatic rifles that was good enough for me. I accuse the Branch Davidians of the Thought Crime of possibly thinking of making automatic weapons which to me, as a good gun control liberal, is more than enough reason to have launched S.W.A.T type raids on the Branch Davidians.
Almost as absurd as the $100 million offer by the evil Frenchie in S.W.A.T. was the fact that he even had the opportunity to make the offer. In an incredible lapse of normal procedure, the police allowed Montel to walk by a horde of reporters and shout out his offer which was then broadcast worldwide on video. Hadn't the L.A. cops ever heard of Lee Harvey Oswald? Back in 1963, the Dallas cops paraded Oswald before the press corps on several occasions like some sort of hunting tournament trophy. It was an easy matter for Jack Ruby to mingle with the press and take his shot at Oswald. Since that time, high profile criminals are kept well away from the press . . . except when needed to advance dopey plots in Hollywood movies.
Okay, we have a movie here where we are supposed to believe that a high level criminal is allowed near enough to the press to shout out a ridiculous $100 million offer to free him that, against all credibility, is actually believed by scores of hardened street thugs. Can it get any stupider that this? The answer is YES. Despite the previous incredible premises, S.W.A.T. pushes the credulity envelope even further for idiotic plot situations by trying to have us believe that a small passenger jet could actually land on the Sixth Street railroad bridge in downtown Los Angeles and take off again in order to spirit Alex Montel out of the country. I've seen that railroad bridge and if you can believe that a small jet could land and take off from there then you've been smoking stronger green leaves than I used to inhale daily.
Like the producers of The Italian Job, where a private helicopter was allowed to hover at low altitude all over Los Angeles, I guess the S.W.A.T. producers never heard of 9-11. How long do you think a small private jet would be allowed to remain flying low over L.A. by the authorities much less landing and taking off a downtown railroad bridge before being surrounded by Air Force fighters?
Yeah, S.W.A.T. is a movie with absolutely ridiculous plot premises and mostly lame performances. I wouldn't pay money to see this flick again but I sure would see it on cable to watch that hideous French villain, Alex Montel, snarling on the tube. However, I would advise you against having a gun nearby since the sight of that arrogant Frenchie could well cause you to pull an Elvis on your TV set.
Therefore, on my Chad Rating Scale of one to ten chads, with ten chads being best, I should give S.W.A.T. a mere four chads. However, due to the fantastic French villain character played by Olivier Martinez I will give this movie a two-chad bonus for that performance alone to give S.W.A.T. a total of six chads.
This is the NEW Al Gore keepin' it real with this review. And, remember, make me your next President and I'll give you a HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS!!!
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