stbxw? All kinds of words are going through my head on that one - I've settled on sick, twisted, be-otch of an ex-wife.
I recall some of your posts on one of the 'Roger F. Guy' threads (I looked up the word avatar that day) and you sound like a wonderful father. I can only imagine the hell you have gone through and still seem to be enduring. I'm not certain how old your children are, but when they are old enough, what are the chances they will choose to live with you?
I appreciate the kind words. My oldest daughter is 11 - we are soulmates. She is, legally, old enough to talk to a judge and say "I want to live with dad". My lawyer has advised me that I could go down that path. But neither she nor I want that. She needs her mom, too. Children feel a terrible sense of being pulled in both directions - they are very sensitive to "betraying" either parent. No child should have to feel that way - but with a 50% divorce rate, many do.
Regardless of how awful stbxw has been to me, I would never deprive my daughter of equal time with her mother - that would be vindictive and hypocritical.
I wish I were a wonderful father. But I can't shake the feeling that I've failed them. I couldn't do what a man is supposed to do: protect the family. God knows, I tried. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ashamed the marriage failed. I wasn't the one that broke the vows and walked away. But I was willing to do anything to keep the family together. And I failed.
So now I focus on trying to be "just dad". I don't see myself as a divorced man. I'm a dad and I'm damned proud of that.