Nan: My boyfriend really embarrassed me yesterday. We were at a very expensive restaurant and he drank his tea with his little finger sticking out.
Dan: But that's considered polite in some circles.
Nan: Not with the teabag hanging from it, it's not!
Waiter! waiter! what's this creepy crawly thing doing on my girlfriend's shoulder?
I don't know - friendly thing isn't he ?
1st Witch: What's your new boyfriend like ?
2nd Witch: He's mean, nasty, ugly, smelly and totally evil - but he has some bad points too !
A little boy ran home from school on the first day and pestered his mother into taking him into a toy shop. When they got there he insisted that she buy him a gun.
'But why do you need a gun?' asked his mother.
'Because our teacher told us she was going to teach us to draw tomorrow.'
When George left school he was going to be a printer. All the teachers said he was the right type.
'We're going to play elephants and circuses,' said a little boy at kindergarten, 'Do you want to join in?'
'I'd love to,'replied the teacher. 'What do you want me to do?'
'You can be the lady that feeds us peanuts !'
A little boy came home from his first day at kindergarten and said to his mother, 'What's the use of going to school ? I can't read, I can't write, and the teacher won't let me talk.'
'I'd like you to be very quiet today, boys and girls. I've got a dreadful headache.'
'Excuse me,' said Alec, 'why don't you do what mum does when she has a headache?'
'What's that ?'
'She sends us out to play.'
'I hope you're not one of those boys who sits and watches the school clock,' said the principal to a new boy.
'No, Sir. I've got a digital watch that bleeps at three-fifteen.'
The principal was very proud of his school's academic record. 'It is very impressive.' said one parent who was considering sending his son there. 'How do you maintain such high standards?'
'Simple,' said the principal. 'The school motto says it all.'
'What's that?' asked the parent.
'If at first you don't succeed, you're expelled.'
Ben's teacher regards Ben as a wonder child. He wonders whether he'll ever learn anything.
'How old would you say I am, Francis ?' the teacher asked.
'Forty,' said the boy promptly.
'You seem very sure,' said the puzzled teacher. 'What makes you think I'm 40?'
'My big brother's 20,' replied the boy,' and your twice as silly as he is !'
'Now remember boys and girls,' said the science teacher. 'You can tell a tree's age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year.'
Alec went home for dinner and found they were having a jelly roll for dessert. 'I'm not eating that, Mum,' he said, 'It's five years old!'
The school teacher was furious when Alec knocked him down with his new bicycle in the playground.
'Don't you know how to ride that yet?' he roared.
'Sure!' shouted Alec over his shoulder. 'It's the bell I can't work yet!'
'Hello, Billy. Do you like your new school?' asked Uncle Ned.
'Sometimes,' said the boy.
'When is that?'
'When it's closed!'
First Teacher: What's wrong with young Jimmy today? I saw him running round the playground screaming and pulling at his hair !
Second Teacher: Don't worry. He's just lost his marbles !
Simple Simon was writing a geography essay. It began like this: The people who live in Paris are called parasites.... |
