Posted on 07/21/2003 4:34:43 AM PDT by PJ-Comix
Al be back!
You damn right, Al be back! You think I enjoy writing up movie reviews or planning to launch a Liberal News Network? Yeah, I've done a lot of talk about launching such a network but actually getting it done is an entirely different matter.
Frankly, I just don't have the energy for such a project. After spending most of my adult life in public office, I don't have what it takes to be an entrepreneur. However, I really hate the hassle of raising money for a political campaign. I sort of got spoiled when I had the DNC calling card and the status of the vice-presidency behind me to shake down donors. Now that I'm out of the White House and have to call donors on my own dime, I don't feel it in me to spend my days (and nights) hustling for bucks.
My plan now is to send a ruthless Algorithm-537 (for the 537 Florida votes that I was shy of the presidency) Terminator back in time to change the past. And don't even think of trying to stop the Algorithm-537 Terminator. It can't be bargained with! It can't be reasoned with! It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are politically dead!
This time around the Algorithm-537 series Terminator will make NO mistakes. As a matter of fact, I'm going to send the Algorithm-537 Terminator back in time to April 2000 to the very night of the INS raid on the Gonzalez family home in Miami. Yeah, those INS agents will figure they had everything planned out but when they show up to grab Elian, they will be faced by the Algorithm-537 Terminator armed with a semi-automatic shotgun plus lots of other kewl weapons. Remember that photo of the agent pointing his rifle at a terrified Elian? Well, the way I'll change the past, when you see that famous photo, you will also see the end of a shotgun barrel pointing at the agent's head from behind.
HASTA LA VISTA, BABY!
So why would I send the Algorithm-537 back to April 2000 to end the INS raid? Because the result of that raid to forcibly send Elian Gonzalez back to Cuba cost me way more than 537 angry Cuban- American votes in Florida. With the INS raid foiled by the Algorithm-537 Terminator, there would be no Cuban-American voter backlash in November and I would have won Florida plus the presidency.
But even with that precaution, the Algorithm- 537 Terminator will take no chances. The Algorithm- 537 Terminator will also rip out the pages of telephone books around the country and terminate everybody listed under the name of "Ralph Nader." Yeah, even with that stupid raid to send Elian back to the Worker's Paradise of the Caribbean, I STILL could have won the presidency in 2000 if Ralph Nader had not been in the race as the Green Party candidate. Nader picked up tens of thousands of votes in Florida alone in 2000, most of which would have gone to me if he had not run.
Since I was also done in by the infamous Palm Beach butterfly ballots where the Condo Commandos accidentally voted for what to them was the equivalent of a concentration camp guard, Pat Buchanan, instead of Yours Truly, some Terminator work needs to be done. So before the Palm Beach County Elections Supervisor, Theresa LePore, had a chance to authorize those butterfly ballots, the Algorithm-537 will be forced to terminate her. Nothing personal, Theresa, but a presidency is at stake here. Just so you don't feel too bad, Ms LePore, there is another woman on my Terminator list—Naomi Wolf, my Alpha Male advisor.
Ms Wolf's advice, in retrospect, was quite ridiculous. A good example was that prosthetic crotch enhancer (couple of socks stuffed into pants) she recommended that I wear for the photo shoot of a magazine cover. Unfortunately, it turned me into a national laughingstock. Naomi's other advice about getting into GW's face at our first debate was also a campaign killer. People don't remember much about what was said at that debate. What they do remember, however, is my loud huffing and puffing while rolling my eyeballs and shaking my heard in disgust whenever GW spoke. The result was that I came off as an arrogant shmuck thanks to Naomi . . . and also thanks to that damn video camera director who decided to include those shots of me in the broadcast. Most likely the director thought he was doing me a favor by showing me registering my Wolf-inspired disgust at GW. If so, that maneuver also cost me the election so Hasta La Vista to that camera director and Hasta La Vista to my makeup artist. Just what the hell was she thinking when she made me up to look like a space alien smeared with orange rouge?
Just to ensure the election of Al Gore in 2000, the Algorithm-537 Terminator will also have to eliminate my beloved running mate, Joe Lieberman. If you remember, Lieberman was careful to avoid any negative Jewish stereotypes that might have harmed our campaign. The only problem was that the one Jewish stereotype that I needed from him was being good at comedy—which he failed to perform. This occurred during Joe's debate with Dick Cheney. Who could have predicted that a white bread WASP from Wyoming would deliver a slam dunk funny line on Lieberman? Hey Joe! I needed a Mel Brooks from you, not some uptight guy in a Brooks Brothers suit which is how you lamely came across in that debate. And what was with not campaigning on Saturdays? Did you ever see me skipping Sundays on the campaign trail? Perhaps you thought Yahweh would approve but you definitely incurred the wrath of the Algorithm- 537 Terminator . . . Hasta La Vista, Bubbi!
I guess that covers all the bases except for that trailer trash couple I evicted from my rental home. Most likely that heartless maneuver cost me Tennessee . . . and the election. However, the new benevolent Al Gore wishes no violence against that aromatically-challenged couple. So instead of wasting them with a high tech weapon, the Algorithm-537 will merely leave 20 cases of beer at their doorstep and allow them to terminate themselves via alcohol poisoning. And I would get some great PR by sadly attending their funerals and saying Raddish over their graves or whatever the hell it is that the late Lieberman's people recite at funerals.
So with the Algorithm-537 Terminator changing the past, the results of Judgment Day, November 7, 2000 would have been completely altered so that today I would be your President. I can almost hear "Hail To The Chief" already!
That scenario of the Algorithm-537 changing the electoral past is a lot more original than that of Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines. If you've seen Terminator 2 then you've pretty much seen Terminator 3 but in a much lamer version.
Terminator 2 was a great sequel to the original fantastic Terminator because it came up with a FRESH concept—the bad guy Terminator (Ahnold) comes back as a good guy Terminator to protect young John Connor from a new, improved, liquid metal T-1000 Terminator (Robert Patrick). Terminator 2 was a sequel with new ideas and catch phrases ("Hasta La Vista, Baby!"). Terminator 3 is simply a rehash of the concepts in Terminator 2 with the only original idea to make the new improved Terminator (T-X series) a female with a few extra gizmos such as a laser ray and a flame-thrower. Whoopee.
Kristianna Loken, who portrays the T-X Terminator, played her like every cold bitch of a wife who has haunted an ex-husband. A lot of you guys probably have had T-X-wives. She will come after you, take your home, your money, your kids, and then rip your heart out.
She can't be bargained with! She can't be reasoned with! She doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And she absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead broke!
Unfortunately, even with this concept, it was not enough to distinguish Terminator 3 from Terminator 2. Maybe they should have had Loken come back as a T-X-rated Terminator. When she arrives stark nekkid from the future, she materializes in the parking lot of a Las Vegas strip club. The T-X-rated Terminator walks into the strip club where a group of Al Qaeda operatives, celebrating the eve of a big terror attack the following day, toss fifty bucks at the T-X-rated Terminator to perform a lap dance on a member of their group named Osama. As the T-X-rated Terminator starts performing a lap dance on Osama, he gets fresh with her with his groping hands so she says, "Talk to the hand," and then proceeds to ram her hand right through Osama's chest and right out his back. Something like this happened to a cop in Terminator 3 but I like the T- X-rated version better.
As for the rest of the cast in Terminator 3, Ahnold is Ahnold as the good guy Terminator again. Nick Stahl is less than inspiring as the 23 year-old John Connor. Which reminds me. What happened to the original John Connor from Terminator 2, Edward Furlong? Was he stupidly afraid of being typecast? Duh! Terminator movies only come around about once every ten years so there's not much chance of being "stuck" in the John Connor role. All Furlong did was miss out on a big payday. But, then again, maybe Furlong was just going to use all that money for La Cocaina which might explain why he didn't show up in Terminator 3.
As for Connor's love interest, Claire Danes as Kate Brewster, she was definitely lacking in the sex appeal department. Somehow I don't think a John Connor would be inspired by knowing he will be mating with a woman who is about as glamorous as a supermarket checkout clerk. They should have offered him Salma Hayek as his future mate. That would inspire John Connor to battle all sorts of T-X Terminator challenges just for the chance to someday get into Brewster/Hayek's pants.
There was a funny sequence where the shrink from the previous Terminator movies, Dr. Peter Silberman, consoles a terrified Kate Brewster only to run in terror himself when he spots his old Terminator nemesis. However, my overall feeling about Terminator 3 is "been there, seen that." Even the shocking surprise end somehow comes off as lame. I've seen a similar movie conclusion come off much better when accompanied by the tune of Vera Lynn singing "We'll Meet Again."
Therefore, on my Chad Rating Scale of one to ten chads with ten chads being best, I give Terminator 3 a lackluster 6 chads. The good news is that I expect the next Terminator sequel to be much better. So look forward to watching Terminator 4: Rise of Al Gore at a movie theater near you.
This is the NEW Al Gore keepin' it real with this review. And remember: AL BE BACK!
Actually, that's exactly the reason he wasn't cast in T-3.
See the third item in this list.
What a moron! All he had to do was stay clean and clean up in a bigtime T3 payday. Too bad because Furlong was pretty good in T2 but then blew it all in Drug Addiction Hell.
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