Sorry for not catching the spoof earlier, everyone! This wasn't as obvious a parody as The Onion usually is, though they did a pretty good job at making it convincing. A part of me definitely wanted to believe that something this rediculous were true - particularly when it involves my Least Favorite Band... ;)
Thanks for pointing my error out, ThinkDifferent. I've been haaaad. Sorry for spreading the fun without checking the facts first...
:) ttt