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Posted on 07/15/2003 8:18:23 AM PDT by mikeb704
He’s been called a modern-day Rip Van Winkle of the Ozarks. Widely reported is the story of an Arkansas man who 19 years ago was involved in a truck accident and has been in a coma ever since.
Within the past few weeks he’s started talking and it’s clear he doesn’t know what’s happened during all those years. He thought, for example, that Ronald Reagan still occupied the White House.
Subsequent coverage indicates the original story was somewhat inaccurate. He hadn’t been in a coma all these years, but only for the first three months after the mishap. Since then, he’s been in what’s described as a vegetative state.
I should point out here that the man’s vegetative state was the result of a brain stem injury. It shouldn’t be confused with the vegetative state most commonly associated with Democrats. That lack of sentience is usually caused by an excruciatingly profound ignorance of truth and logic.
Anyway, I began thinking how shocked this man must be by what the world is like 19 years after starting his nap. There have been so many changes.
He’s never burned popcorn in a microwave oven. Gotten frazzled by trying to program a VCR. Walked though a shopping center and seen about every fifth person engaged in a mindless and apparently unnecessary cell phone conversation.
He is unaware of the Challenger disaster. Of Chernobyl. Of the Iran-Contra affair. He didn’t see Soviet Communism collapse. He doesn’t know about two Persian Gulf wars.
He might be surprised at how government has grown. In the years he’s been away, Federal spending has more than doubled.
The man missed Anita Hill trying to torpedo the Supreme Court hopes of Clarence Thomas. The Postal Service selling stamps commemorating Elvis Presley. Forrest Gump. O.J. Simpson’s trial. The Unabomber. Timothy McVeigh.
He didn’t see Mark McGwire break Roger Maris’ home run record. Or home computers that led to the Internet explosion. Or 9/11.
The guy is fortunate in that he’s never heard of Bill and Hillary. Or Bill and Monica. Or Bill and Paula. Or Bill and Juanita. Or Bill and Kathleen. Or Bill and Gennifer. Or Bill and (fill in the blank).
He doesn’t know about Whitewater, Travelgate or Filegate. Billing records and FBI files. White House coffees and Chinese Commie contributions.
No doubt he’ll learn of the Clintons and their, as their bootlickers prefer to call them, "peccadilloes." After all, the Clintons are probably the only two people in the country with worse memories than his.
Rip Van Winkle’s daughter took her father, upon his return, to live with her and her husband, a "stout cheery farmer." The Arkansas man will probably not be so fortunate. He last saw his daughter when she was only a few months old. Being of a theatrical bent, she went into show biz and is currently stripping in Memphis. Certainly he’ll burst with parental pride when he learns of that.
It seems his wife may have been less than faithful. A London newspaper carries the jolly news she’s had three other children by another man.
On the plus side, the Arkansas Van Winkle has managed to avoid fresh, innovative and culturally uplifting television programming such as "Jackass" and "Survivor." Anna Nicole Smith and Darva Conger are unknown to him.
I hope he’s not too depressed by everything that’s happened while he’s been away. His parents, who never gave up hope, finally have their son back, at least in a limited way.
There are those who would have pulled the plug on him years ago. His quality of life, they would have contended, was so pitiable that he would have preferred death. I hope someone gets around to asking him his opinion on the subject.
Wasn't Bill Clinton his governor when he had the accident?
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