Here... Use my San Francisco Giants souvenir bat that I got on 'Bat Day'.
My understanding of said bats is that they can only inflict harm when jammed forcibly in one's rectal defilade. Hmmm.
OTOH, I would pay ca$h money to see "Mr. Macho" Mailer get his harp ass kicked in an Ultimate Fighting match. Oh my, yes. That's entertainment.