Posted on 06/27/2003 4:42:25 PM PDT by Pokey78
Strom Thurmond, the only centenarian senator in American history, is dead, and in a day or two we'll see whether the undertakers have successfully dealt with a potential problem that might, ah, arise: in the words of a favourite Washington aphorism (coined, I think, by the late John Tower), "When ol' Strom dies, they'll have to beat his pecker down with a baseball bat in order to get that coffin lid closed."
There's the epitaph a lot of us guys would like. Some eulogists will speak about his heroism in war. Others will deplore his 1948 presidential campaign as the segregationist candidate. But to many of us, Strom will be fondly remembered as South Carolina's most indestructible ladies' man. In his early 90s, the wizened Republican with the fiery orange hair-plugs made an ill-advised attempt at bipartisan outreach and groped fellow Senator Patty Murray. In his late 90s, he had a little light petting session with, um, me.
This was my only close encounter with him, and a lot closer than I'd expected. It was the first day of the Clinton impeachment trial and, in a chaotic melee by the lifts, I was suddenly pushed forward and thrown between Thurmond and California Senator Barbara Boxer.
Ol' Strom had just cast an appreciative bipartisan eye over the petite brunette liberal extremist. Ms Boxer gave an involuntary shudder. I'd been squashed between the two for about five seconds when I became aware of a strange tickling sensation on my elbow. Glancing down, I was horrified to see an unusually large lizard slithering up and down my arm. On closer inspection, it proved to be Strom's hand. Presumably he'd mistaken my dainty elbow for Barbara's, but who knows? I can't speak for Patty Murray, but I found the mild electric frisson not unpleasant.
A senator is only as old as the woman he feels, and, until he started hitting on Telegraph columnists, that's one thing Strom always had a feel for. He was the only circuit court judge in South Carolina history to have had sex with a condemned murderess as she was being transferred from the women's prison to death row. This was Sue Logue, the only woman in the state ever to be sent to the chair, but not before she'd been sent to the back seat of Judge Thurmond's car for a lively final ride.
It was a particularly bloody murder case that had begun when Mr Logue's calf had been kicked to death by some other feller's mule. Things had escalated from there. Strom was said to have had a soft spot for Mrs Logue, whom he'd hired as a teacher back when he was school superintendent. She didn't meet the minimum qualifications for the post, but she was said to have had unusual "vaginal muscular dexterity".
I mention this not merely to be salacious and gossipy - perish the thought - but only because, after profiling a thousand politicians from Al Gore to John Prescott to Wim Kok, one is naturally grateful for a subject with whom one can introduce the phrase "vaginal muscular dexterity" without it feeling shoehorned in. I may use it again before the column is out.
Strom was the best thing about that strange impeachment trial. There were rumours that Larry Flynt, Hustler's head honcho, had been working with Clinton operatives to provide the President with an insurance policy lest the numbers got a little close: he'd promised to hunt down video evidence of any amorous adventuring by hypocritical senators minded to convict.
Naturally, we in the media were eager to see what Flynt might produce. I turned up one morning to find my colleagues immersed in a scandal from an unexpected corner - "Thurmond In World's Oldest Love-Child Shocker!" Apparently, someone had alleged that, in 1923, Strom had fathered a child by a black woman. It seemed unlikely even Larry Flynt could have video evidence, though perhaps he had an authentic silent movie of the incident with full piano accompaniment and ornately bordered dialogue cards saying, "Why, Mistuh Thurmond suh, what are you doin' here at this hour?"
In the end, like most everything else, it just added to Strom's lustre. He retired in January, after a 100th birthday party that set off a chain of events culminating in the fall of Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott. Aside from the ill-advised remarks on segregation that cost him his job, Lott also made a joke about the centenarian sex fiend attending the opening of Hooters, a restaurant chain with skimpily attired waitresses, and suggested that Strom replace Bob Dole's over-excited dog in a Pepsi commercial featuring Dole and Britney Spears.
The National Organisation for Women denounced the pervasive sexism of Strom's knees-up. The longest-serving senator in history could hardly have asked for a better curtain call: a 100th birthday bash that prompts feminist outrage. In an age of dull politicians who merely follow their polls, Strom at least had one worth following.
L
Actually, the Book of Revelation says that fornicators will go into the Lake of Fire, but I suppose that's kind of a downer to mention.
Thurmond and Nancy Moore, serving as Miss South Carolina, are shown in this 1966 file photo. The two later married, but are now separated.
I should be so fortunate.
crs
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.