"Personals" [HUMOR... Wet-yourself-silly ads by fictional smokers...]

The New Yorker ^ | May 19, 2003 | Bruce McCall

[paulklenk]

PERSONALS
by Bruce McCall

Lonely ex-barfly in severe withdrawal needs to mooch smokes, preferably off ex-bartender. You bring the bar nuts, cocktail napkins, and swizzle sticks, I’ll tell the dirty jokes until the coffin nails run out or I fall off the stool.

Lady deep inhaler, haggard, jumpy, no appetite, yearns to be totally hooked on a tobacco baron who’s into monogrammed silver cigarette cases and gold Dunhill butane lighters. Let’s share the joy of flying off on your personal Gulfstream jet to some paradise where the government runs the tobacco business, smoking our brains out all the way and setting off the lavatory alarm at will.

Former Le Cirque, Le Bernardin, Lespinasse denizen seeks fellow Havana fancier to share takeout, talk Cohibas, Montecristos, the Cuba embargo. Your stoop or mine? I’ll bring the clipper.

Happy-go-Luckies four-pack-a-day midtown accountant would love to meet a hoarse-voiced living chimney for doorway breaks, after-hours puffs on rooftops, under bridges, what have you. Gender not important, but no menthols, please!

You hate power-mad do-gooder bluenose New York City pressure groups but love sore throats, smoldering ashtrays, taking cabs at 3 a.m. to that all-nite Haitian deli in Brooklyn to pick up a fresh carton or two. Translated: you’re a serious Gauloises freak like me. Let’s meet for a pre-breakfast smoke or after-dinner coughing fit in the back seat of my Citroën Deux Chevaux. (Gitanes phonies need not apply.)

I know you! You’re the hollow-eyed gal with the yellow fingers sitting on the curb outside Elaine’s late last Thursday nite chain-smoking Balkan Sobranies. I’m the wheezing guy with the shakes—ring a bell?—who begged you for a puff. Something tells me we could make beautiful smoke rings together!

Virginia Slims-addicted Mafia Madonna who likes gasping for air and smoking in convent bathrooms seeks Marlboro Hit Man for nicotine reveries. Where is that special goomba who’ll meet me at a certain South Jersey truck stop to share untaxed Camels in the back of a big rig just in from North Carolina? (Shoo, you A.T.F. agents! I can spot you a mile away!)

I’m a gal who’s twenty-five but looks fifty, lights up her next one off her last one, and just swore off restaurants to brown-bag it in alleyways where men aren’t too proud to scramble for butts. Are you man enough to join me?

My one-pack-a-day health-nut mate just left me and now I’m looking for that certain leather-lunged, unfiltered someone hours away from emphysema who’s sincere about stinking up my car, my apartment, my clothes, my life. Come share my collection of Big Tobacco press releases and much, much more.

You love the look of a cigarette stubbed out on a plate of fried eggs and would just as soon punch out the maître d’ as put out that post-appetizer Pall Mall. In brief, you’re persona non grata in every eatery from Staten Island to Yonkers. If you think a mouthful of corned-beef hash goes best with a lungful of Camels, let’s pollute the air of your or my kitchen dinette together.

Roll-your-own contrarian, stooped, brown teeth, dog breath, dreams about a certain wrinkle-pussed soul mate he glimpsed being bounced from Balthazar last Sunday night with a Marlboro Light in one hand and a Schimmelpennick in the other. Have been burning holes in my pajamas every night thinking of you—we could make smokes and sing old cigarette jingles together.

[paulklenk]

This had me laughing on the subway last night on the way to choir practice. Hope you enjoy it, too.

[paulklenk]

Enjoy...

[Conspiracy Guy]

Sorry I really tried but none of them was funny.

[Cable225]

I'm with you.

Roll-your-own contrarian, stooped, brown teeth, dog breath, dreams about a certain wrinkle-pussed soul mate he glimpsed being bounced from Balthazar last Sunday night with a Marlboro Light in one hand and a Schimmelpennick in the other.

The humor isn't leaping out at me. What's supposed to be the funny part?

[Conspiracy Guy]

I think the funny part is that the poster wants to demonize smokers. Why doesn't the poster also post some funny ad's for blind people or people missing one or more limbs. The poster obviously doesn't like smokers. Who else does he want to protray in a negative light.

[Conspiracy Guy]

PING

[JoJo Gunn]

All sanctimonious fad chasing anti-smoking Nazis can kiss my, er, uh, ....butt.

[rwfok]

Uptight anal-retentive nico-nazi seeks freedom hating busy body with way too much time on their hands. Together we can tell everyone how they should run their lives while denigrating users of a legal product. It will be our duty to stamp out activities that offend us in places that we never had any intention of entering to begin with. Ask for Adolph.

[AppyPappy]

I'm a former smoker and I think it is hilarious. I sent it to everyone I know, even dead people.

[Conspiracy Guy]

You want my list of Helen Keller jokes from grade school. I thought they were funny when I was 8. Now I find them offensive. Unless you were out of control when you smoked, I hope none of the dipictions were accurate on you. None of the smokers I know don't even faintly resemble the ad's.

[Conspiracy Guy]

"weren't accurate on you" is what I meant to type.

[AppyPappy]

You want my list of Helen Keller jokes from grade school

I guess Helen Keller CHOSE to be blind and deaf. Try the "I'm just a victim" stuff on the Democrats.

[dead]

Please forward the Helen Keller jokes to me. I still find them funny.

[FreeRadical]

Uptight anal-retentive nico-nazi seeks freedom hating busy body with way too much time on their hands. Together we can tell everyone how they should run their lives while denigrating users of a legal product. It will be our duty to stamp out activities that offend us in places that we never had any intention of entering to begin with. Ask for Adolph.

Thank You.

[Conspiracy Guy]

Not claiming to be a victim. I just didn't see any of them to be funny. I honestly tried. You and I normally run close on Ideas. On smoking I guess we don't. I am not the classic I have a right to smoke whereever I please smoker. However I cannot support GOVERNMENT BANS IN PRIVATE BUSINESSES and DEMONIZING SMOKERS or LOSS OF PROPERTY RIGHTS BY BAR OWNERS. If you're into more government that's fine and it's your right to support it. I won't even second guess you.

[swarthyguy]

Nice job by Bloomberg's PR machine. In the NewYawkah, no less. Funny, though, just in time for the ban in NYC.

[Conspiracy Guy]

Naw. I'd have to compile them first and send them through email. They really are cruel.

[MindyW]

I'm with you AppyPappy, and I'm still a smoker. Also none of these describe me at all. LOL

[telebob]

Excuse me folks...just let me reach in here and turn the Fun Knob up a little.

There, that's better...

[gcruse]

The funniest bit I have read in a long time. Thanks for posting.