'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[Aliska]

(Chortle) I doubt a real lady would do this.

Probably not. You never know any more :-).

[RMDupree]

LOL! I love the band practice idea, but quite frankly I wouldn't bring my kids anywhere near that excessively loud noise. It's no good for them to be near Daddy when they'll have no eardrums left afterwards! *grin*

I will see about the banquet. Since I have now been delegated the responsibility of finding a sitter last minute on a Friday night, I can only try to get it done. If that gets accomplished, I'll go to the banquet as if I were at the place I've always wanted to be.

[William McKinley]

Wheedling and cajoling are a healthy thing, and are a sign of a healthy marriage.

Begging never is. (Well, other than playful begging that is really just cajoling)

[Aliska]

.men like sexy gals You got that right. Many a man has been ruined by a sexy girl.

[NeoCaveman]

Ahh I see. But I am not yet 30 so I think I could handle it.

[nmh]

When everything else is more important than your spouse and what you devote your attention to, WHY is this so mysterious when your sex life becomes non existant? When they dated it wasn't like this ... . It was because each gave the other the time and affection they needed. Now, it's the almighty dollar that has become more important or kids that need to be spoiled with material things because again, you don't spend time or attention on them. You know, some are still silly enough to believe that "quality time is what matters".

[Lorianne]

The point I'm making is not about people who lose interest in sex, but who never had interest to begin with.

[wardaddy]

I know it's not the same thing....

But, women who want to get pregnant know when they are ovulating frequently.....flushed, a little side pain, genitalia "signals"...etc...

and they will act on it....trust me. I've been there. When we were trying, I could walk in the door and look in my wife's eyes and I felt like I was looking down the wrong end of a Swarovski high powered scope....in a good way....and she might not have been totally aware of excatly what was making her tick ...

granted they do not act like a dog "in heat" but then we usually don't act like lesser animals anyhow normally.

There are also curious studies that have been done and in fact threads on them exist on this forum about how much more likely women are to cheat when ovulating. Scary.

[hellinahandcart]

He's not spending time with his mother. He is just at her house so he can surf the net and take a nap!

A NAP every day, when you're dead on your feet from doing work *he* could be doing after he gets home?

Well, I freaking give up. Forget anything I said before, I was wrong. Give him ketchup sandwiches until you get the divorce papers filed, honey, and if he asks you to 'give it up' between now and then, tell him you need YOUR damned nap first and it's going to be a nap like Rip Van Winkle took.

ARRGH! I thought we were talking about a marriage between a woman and a man, not a BRAT...

[nmh]

"If men understood how sexy it is to help with housework without being asked, to change diapers, to call babysitters, to play with the kids ... they'd do more of it."

Need I elborate on the "rewards" of this. Truly it warms her heart, allows her a break and feels affection for her husband for being a "love". Besides, it took TWO to make em. Both parents are needed to give the kids a good start in life. So, it's a win-win for all.

[Warren_Piece]

My favorite joke (my wife's too):

There are 3 types of women in the world. Girlfriends, prostitutes, and wives.

Girlfriends say: "Take it slow. Let's savor every moment."

Prositutes say: "Hurry up! Time is money!"

Wives say: "Beige. I think we'll paint the ceiling beige...".

We love our wives because they are not like us, then get stressed out because they are not like us. My wife and I both see it for what it is, laugh about it, and move on. Life's too short. The media is lying to us. NOBODY could have as much sex as they portray in the movies and on TV. Enjoy it when you get it and get a hobby.

[RMDupree]

He is a brat as far as his personality goes and I've told him as much.

He gets upset whenever I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do and I have gone so far as to tell him that my 5 year old isn't as tough to handle as he is.

If he doesn't get what he wants, when he wants it, it's time for an argument. I do try to make him happy, I really do. But I already have 2 kids and I really don't need another!

Arrested devlopment may be the problem here. He wants to have the life he had at 21, whilst I tackle the "adult" jobs of parenting and caring for the household.

He considers it a MAJOR sacrifice that he longer plays sports 3 nights a week (softball, bowling and flag football). I should be grateful and let him have his weekly band practice, don't you get it? /sarcasm

[hellinahandcart]

If they never had the interest to begin with, the honeymoon would be over rather quickly.

[wardaddy]

I'm just lucky. The perfect gal for me literally fell right in my lap on a blind date which had been vectored by several mutual friends. I had been single about 5 years (and on the hunt)after my first wife dumped me for a very wealthy older guy. That relationship was not great except physically it was pretty good and we have 2 wonderful daughters whom I have a good relationship with and pay handsomely for that privilege to their mom (ouch).

It's luck and timing and age. I was late 30s and knew I preferred being with family and my wife was 8 years younger and ready for the "real deal" and we have not really stumbled since...in about 6 years (which is still pretty fresh I know). I'd like one more child....she's reluctant. I may not win that little tug of war...we'll see...it's just lagniaape anyhow.

I hope things improve for you. Counseling is not a bad thing ....at least you could vent with a mediator...might help.

I swear the key is for both sides to learn to live outside themselves in a marriage with children...it's critical.

[RMDupree]

I swear the key is for both sides to learn to live outside themselves in a marriage with children...it's critical.

Selfishness has NO place in a marriage. Period. From either person.

[wardaddy]

About 15 years ago, the star fullback for the Washington Redskins, John Riggins who was one wild assed horndoggie went to a White House formal dinner party and got drunk and laid down on the floor and made passes at Sandra Day O'Conner...lol....he told her in the now famous words: "Loosen Up Sandy"

Well dear, you need to try that. You sound very jaded and cynical about the natural dynamics between guys and gals.

Unless you've got something mitigating going on....give it a try. I cannot fathom why you'd want to stifle sexiness.

If someone wounded you over this then accept please accept my regrets and by all means tell me to "bugger off".

[goodnesswins]

You don't have 2 children....you have 3....and you know you're going to have some more rough times ahead, and end up like your mother.....or get him to change...and, I do believe people can change, if they WANT TO....but it usually takes a MAJOR LIFE EVENT to make it happen. (I say this with love, really, I do....tough love.)

It seems you're at a major decision point, and you know it....either you buck it up and continue to DO EVERYTHING FOR HIM.....(which is a bad example for your children, BTW) or you stop, and make some decisions from there. Doesn't sound like he knows what "compromise" really is. He's too immature to know. Good Luck, again.

[wardaddy]

You da man!

...I remember those days....(sobbing slightly)

....hey....it's not exactly chopped liver in yer 40s!!!

[RMDupree]

Thanks goodnesswins!

I've said it before...this thread is great therapy! It popped up at the right time (no pun intended).

[wardaddy]

Yep...and self obsessiveness either....a slightly different animal and more subtle but in large amounts just as destructive.