'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[William McKinley]

Exactly my point. If women want to try to tell men 'how sexy it is to help with housework without being asked, to change diapers, to call babysitters, to play with the kids...' then they need to find better ways to show they find it sexy than that. :p

[riri]

But assuming he is a nice normal helpful guy, I don't see why a woman should refuse him

LOL, Good post, I agree. And actually, it's alot like exercising. Quite often you don't feel like doing it, you are always glad you did it and sometimes you even find yourself enjoying it! LOL

I bet people spend more time laying there thinking "Why aren't we having sex, when's the last time we had sex, I wonder if he is having sex with someone else? Well, if we don't start having more sex he'll certainly start having it with someone else"...then it just takes to do it and do it half way right.

[Cathryn Crawford]

I'm not married, never been married, and I sure don't have any kids, but I guess it sounds fair. As long as the man actually does those things.

[enviros_kill]

The aid to female pleasure at http://www.slightesttouch.com/
looks promising. Anybody ever try it?

[Porterville]

Solution:

Don't get married, "buy her a house, it's cheaper then marriage."

[Rebelbase]

"Yes, obviously we feel some resentment if we're totally exhausted in part because the father of the children hasn't lifted a finger while we are slaving away eighteen or twenty hours a day, seven days a week"

Ah, the mother martyr syndrome....Can be fatal to a marriage if you overrate your importance over your working husband.

Hint: Sex is more important to your marriage than many self assigned house chores.

[William McKinley]

Maybe if we unionized, we could take the power away from our oppressors and bring sexual justice back to the bedroom!

[Cathryn Crawford]

Maybe, but I seriously doubt it. Too many people stuck in their routine...;-)

[William McKinley]

Power to the working man! More pay, more l..!

[riri]

Too many people stuck in their routine

LOL! Maybe that's part of the problem. My sister, married 21 years, says she wants to take her bed out in the backyard and start it on fire just so she never has to have sex in it again.

They have had the same bed all these years

[RMDupree]

And with an attitude like that, you expect to have a doting husband who cares for your every need? You stare at the ceiling, while your caveman has his way, and then expect him to give you a kiss goodbye in the morning, or return your hug?

So it's my responsibility to keep him happy even if he isn't even trying to make me happy anymore?

I tried that reverse psychology crap already. Treat him good and he'll treat you good. Didn't work.

Instead, he figured things were going so well, he didn't have to help around the house anymore. Things went straight downhill after that.

[William McKinley]

How can we dance when our earth is turning
How do we sleep while our beds are burning

[Cathryn Crawford]

LMAO...trying not to be too bad on this thread.

[whereasandsoforth]

And my Rosemary Chicken with Lemon Sauce....Gads! Who would need another orgasm?

[Cathryn Crawford]

See number 314.

[mwl1]

Doesn't work for anybody. For a woman with a sex drive, it's not necessary. I know some real losers whose wives are all over them. After twenty years of marriage, as well as doing a lot of marriage counseling, I have come to the conclusion that for women without a sex drive, nothing works. As a matter of fact, all of those nice guy efforts will merely be interpreted as an effort to get sex. Sometimes it's hopeless, and the promises are just cruel manipulation.

This is the most fascinating post on the entire thread. Thank you. Let me ask some follow-up questions.

1. What do you suggest for a man whose wife has little or no sex drive, attributed to peri-menopausal stuff, stress, vaginal dryness, anger at her husband for being too successful and not doting on her, and the fact that her father walked out on her mother after 20 years of marriage? The books and her doctors all tell her that she would be happier, and feel better, if she would shut the Hell up and consent to sex.

2. I agree completely that nice guy efforts are counter-productive. I do 75% or more of the housework working more than full-time and she only works part time. My counselor (wife refuses to go to counseling because asserts that the problems are entirely mine and not hers) has instructed me that I have to completely change my paradigm to not give a crap about sex and be satisfied with sex once every one or two months. One awful stretch we went without any intimacy for seven months. Why stay, you ask? Two children and ruinous financial standing if I leave. Cowardice, too, I suppose. And societal shame at my failure.

My question: am I wrecking my own future by staying? Am I a total wuss? I invite any freepers to offer an opinion, and you can all scald me any way you like.

[Cathryn Crawford]

Maybe they should get a new bed.

[Rytwyng]

Those people ought to be glad that they have a spouse to begin with...

To have a spouse that doesn't put out and/or gets fat, is probably a lot more frustrating than not being married at all. At least the single guy has some hope.

Of course, marriage isn't a non-stop sex-fest... there are situations such as illness, pregnancy, etc, that slow it down or even put it on hold for a while. But that's quite different from withholding it for no valid reason. A "DOS" (denial of sex) attack is one of the most effective ways to sabotage a marriage.

[Rytwyng]

Sonserae: Paul also said, "If you burn with passion you should marry"

Should I make anything of the fact this was post number 69?