Texas Legislators Feared On
Murder, Robbery, Rape Spree
ARDMORE, Okla. -- Some of more than 50 Democratic members of the Texas House of Representatives who fled the state to prevent a quorum being present for a controversial vote on redistricting, have been implicated by Oklahoma police in a crime spree covering a large swath of the neighboring state, and centering around the city of Ardmore.
At a hastily-called press conference this morning, Ardmore Police Chief Tom Rice said at least one murder, fifteen burglaries, and three sexual assaults which have occurred in the area over the last 24 hours are suspected as the work of the runaway solons.
"These perpetrators are vicious, they have no regard for the rights of others, and they appear to be happy, even gleeful, at the prospect of taking what does not belong to them," Rice charged. "I think it's obvious to anyone that these are politicians."
Rice said police are investigating the death of Earl Stubb, 53, of Ardmore as a homicide which is potentially connected to the "Jackass Gang," as the local press has begun calling the runaway Democratic legislators. "The coroner determined Mr. Stubb died of a bleeding heart," Rice noted, "and he was surrounded by crates of government cheese. A Noam Chomsky book was discovered discarded in a nearby dumpster."
The chief pointed out that the numerous burglaries "certainly exhibited the hallmark of desperate, but politically-correct people. These pampered legislators, let's remember, have been on the run for at least several hours and you can bet they're already starved and damn cold. And from what I understand, most of the items taken in the thefts appear to be soy-related foodstuffs and clothing using hemp in its manufacture."
Asked about how the legislators had been connected to the trio of sexual assaults, Rice explained that, "Are you kidding? These are Democrats!"
Texas authorities are working closely with Oklahoma law enforcement officials in a coordinated effort to round up the gang of elected officials, Rice said. A poll conducted this morning by CBS affiliate KHOU in Houston, showed 94 percent of respondents urging officers to use care in apprehending the legislators, but once they are in custody, "Shoot to kill."