Highlights of last weeks late night political humor (My title)

Newsmax ^ | May 11, 2003 | Archive

[Chirodoc]

Leno:

I’m just trying to figure out who lost more this year – Bennett on the slots or Governor Gray Davis on the budget.

I read today Prince William is reportedly thinking about moving to the U.S. after he graduates from college. He says he wants to live a "free, easy lifestyle for a few years.” You know, as opposed to the grueling life of being a prince. Just the waving, whoo!

Alabama football coach Mike Price was fired for going to a strip club and bringing a stripper back to his hotel room, where she had over $1,000 in charges. Here’s the weird part - after they had sex, three players burst in the room and poured a bucket of Gatorade over the coach.

Letterman:

Mayor Bloomberg’s approval rating is now down to 32 percent! To put that in perspective, Saddam Hussein’s is still at 37 percent

Yesterday in Washington the announcement was made that Dick Cheney will run once again for vice president. He says that he is healthy and has a doctor with him 24 hours a day. Well, that’s a sign of a healthy man.

In Iraq today they found a rolling terror lab on wheels. Or, as we call it back here – Dominos.

So far we have captured 20 out of 55 people in that Iraqi deck of cards. Still on the loose, though: Saddam Hussein, haven’t caught him, his two sons, haven’t caught them – and Sean Penn is still at large.

Coalition forces in Iraq have captured Doctor Germ. She’s also known as Mrs. Anthrax, I believe Germ was her maiden name.

The first Burger King has opened up in Baghdad. The new place has employed the 8 of clubs, the jack of diamonds, the king of spades ...

Mayor Bloomberg wants to close down 40 firehouses. I've said it before and will say it again: This guy is a public relations genius!

Conan:

Oprah Winfrey is going to continue her show and has signed a new deal for $140 million per year! Today President Bush asked Oprah to rebuild Iraq.

Just before the war, Saddam Hussein had three tractor-trailers loaded with money leave Iraq. Unfortunately, the drivers have spent almost all the money on jerky.

Florida Senator Bob Graham is running for president despite having bypass surgery earlier this year. Experts don’t think he’ll do very well because his campaign slogan is "I’m slightly healthier than Dick Cheney."

Kilborn:

Microsoft has invented a port-a-potty that has Internet access. I don’t want to hear "You’ve got mail” when I lift the toilet seat.

Did you see the Democrats debate over the weekend? The debate was so boring that ABC is going to pick the show up for its fall schedule.

Halfway through the debate Al Sharpton ordered a pizza to his podium.

The winner was anyone with a remote in their hands.