Welcome, Democrats!
Dear Al, Bob, Carol, Dennis, Dick, Joe, John, John and Howard:
Welcome to South Carolina!...
All of which is to say that, while we’re glad you’re here, we aren’t exactly sure why....
Not that we don’t appreciate it. Lord knows there’s no better way to spend a Saturday night in Columbia than listening to nine folks we never heard of, arguing about a presidential election that’s 18 months away, in a state they have absolutely no chance of winning....
I’m sure that after y’all spend 90 minutes on national television bashing the Confederate flag, Bob Jones and the Old South, you’ll be the most popular group of Yankees to visit Columbia since Gen. Sherman. Why, I can’t think of a better way to attract moderate, white Southern voters than to appear on stage discussing race relations with Al Sharpton, or opposition to the war in Iraq with Howard “I’m not sure the Iraqis are better off” Dean — while standing just a few miles from Fort Jackson....
Perhaps you should skip the politics and talk about yourselves and your background ... unless of course you’re a rich trial lawyer. Or a Northeastern liberal. Or a corrupt political hack who attacked the United Daughters of the Confederacy. Or a notorious race baiter who’s been convicted of libel. Or a labor union lackey. Or you called the Confederate battle flag a “symbol of hatred to most Americans.” Or you’re an anti-war extremist calling for the impeachment of President Bush....
One last thing: You can’t leave South Carolina without making a quick stop at Maurice Bessinger’s Piggy Park Gourmet Barbecue. Why, Maurice ran in the Democratic primary for governor himself back in the 1970s. Be sure to meet him, shake his hand — if possible, with plenty of members of the media around. Get lots of photos of you and Maurice talkin’ politics...
Graham is the author of Redneck Nation: How The South Really Won The War.