Regards, Ivan
Posted on 04/12/2003 4:54:04 PM PDT by MadIvan
This column is immensely proud to announce that, after a fierce struggle, it has acquired the world serial rights to The Little Book of Cheerfulness, written by the Iraqi information minister, Mohammed Saeed al Sahhaf, who has demonstrated over the past couple of weeks the amazing power of positive thinking.
As the following extracts show, this book will help you deal with the stress of everyday living and to conquer the little problems which may beset you:
It is a base falsehood that your girlfriend has dumped you. It is my feeling that the tongues of the rapscallions who have suggested this will explode and their socks will billow forth smoke. I am able to inform you categorically that when she told you she did not want to see you any more this was a pathetic ruse to lead you on. In any case, you are surrounded by a thousand thousand girlfriends who are more comely than the one who has not dumped you. Those who claim they have seen her in the arms of another are deluded.
History will prove that dandruff does not exist and never has existed. Rumours of dandruff are spread to undermine your morale and I am in a position to state that they will fail miserably.
The buttons on the shirt of a righteous man do not ping off when he is getting dressed in a hurry.
Do not be misled into thinking that your boss is out to get you. I have received intelligence that the capering jackanapes is at this very moment cowering under his desk in panic lest you step into his office and give him a piece of your noble mind. You are in control. Like a dog, he is pretending to hold an important confidential telephone conversation, but I am here to tell you it is a well-known fact that even the speaking clock does not accept his calls any longer. The day of rejoicing is close at hand when we shall observe him as he blows his nose on his P45.
Heroic commuters are in good spirits. They despise the lies spewed forth by the platform loudspeaker claiming that the 8.17 is cancelled. They stand shoulder to shoulder on the platform in the certain knowledge that, in three minutes, ten thousand 8.17s will arrive and waft them through a cloud of rose petals to their beloved destination. Allow me to assure the doubters: the points of our railway lines have never known failure. On our trains we shall arrive 15 minutes early. No, we shall arrive even before we set out.
It is well known that the FTSE Index is a complete fabrication.
We are carefree because we are certain in the knowledge that next Tuesday the man will arrive at the appointed hour to service our washing machine. In the whole history of civilisation, our triumphant washing machine engineers have never arrived late. I can also state authoritatively that they have an abundance of vital spare parts.
The bank's cash dispensing machine is unworthy of your card which is why it has been returned to you. It has only returned so that it can prepare itself to surge back into the slot and release mountains of cash. The card has not been swallowed, it is being held in the brotherly embrace of the machine. Your PIN will be remembered for ever and the people will sing its praises. Inside the bank, the directors are waiting to welcome you, garland you with flowers and beg you to help yourself to gold bars.
It is my duty to inform you that your council tax bill is a crude bluff which will deceive nobody.
The bestselling Little Book of Cheerfulness has been acclaimed as a work of genius and has been awarded all the major literary prizes - in spite of the desperate attempts by those impostors Nobel, Whitbread, Booker and Pulitzer to spread slanderous untruths and pretend otherwise. Rest assured that it will defeat the upstart Harry Potter.
Regards, Ivan
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This is so great.
Thanks Mad Ivan
Also the Cleveland Indians do not stink it is an illusion concoted by the New York infidels. Woe will be upon them as the nobel Tribe win the World Series.
Bagdhad Bob should just run on the Democratic ticket, no one lies more prolificly than he.
I'm getting to the point that if an Arab told me the sky was blue I'd go check for myself.
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