This Just In: On Course - (Generously Laced with Clintonisms)

THIS JUST IN: Three words traitors in Hollywood love to hear - "The envelope, please."

THIS JUST IN: According to a recent article, the European birthrate is declining precipitously. Apparently fighting is another thing that begins with "f" that the French are afraid to do.

THIS JUST IN: Because of the war in Iraq, the Canadians have gotten really angry at the United States and are withdrawing their invitation for Americans to go clubbing seal pups with them.

THIS JUST IN: A prominent geneticist claims not only is Bill Clinton the first black President, but that also makes him the first afro-sexual.

THIS JUST IN: An Ivy League University is introducing a School of Gay Science. The most popular course so far is Nuclear Choreography 101.

THIS JUST IN: Teddy Kennedy will be taking no chances driving through Chappaquiddick again. He just bought a custom made Oldsmobile that has a conning tower.

THIS JUST IN: Senator John Kerry will be holding a memorial service for his prostate - only family members will attend. (Gotta be some weird folks.)

THIS JUST IN: Customers at a Vermont International House of Pancakes are really mad at the French. They stopped spreading Chanel No.5 on their flapjacks.

THIS JUST IN: The explanation is in on why the Bush people found the White House in a shambles the day George W. took office. Clinton had the FBI turn the place upside down looking for a duplicate set of the keys to Mount Rushmore.

THIS JUST IN: New candidate for the list of The World's Thinnest Books: "Things the Clintons Won't Do for Money."

THIS JUST IN: A veterans group that served in the Sudan has chipped in to make a statue of Bill Clinton that they can help the gooks drag through the dirty streets of Mogadishu. Talk about a sentimental journey.

THIS JUST IN: A theme park is under construction for Democrat politicians called Slutworld. Underage Congressional interns will be the rides.

THIS JUST IN: Bill Clinton is considering running for the Presidency again and is trying to decide on a running mate. He is already consulting a color chart.

THIS JUST IN: In Vermont same in sex marriage pledge their troth with an exchange of condoms.

THIS JUST IN: Since that ill-advised slur against George W. Bush, The Dixie Chicks' recordings are not selling. They may have found an alternate way of making money, but they will first have to change their name to The Dixie Tricks.

THIS JUST IN: An Ivy League University received an application from an inner city student that read as follows: "Because I have too much pride to expect preferential consideration based on my color, I am applying for admission strictly by mail." The letter was signed, "Yours truly, Tanganyika Jones."

THIS JUST IN: Democrat Majority Leader in Congress is genuinely interesting in helping the war effort. The word is she's planning to lead a delegation of Democrats to Iraq to help roll bandages for Saddam's Republican Guard.

THIS JUST IN: A gay "biker" club called "Hell's Choreographers" rode into a town and rioted. The Sheriff who arrested them says they tested twice the legal limit for Evian.

THIS JUST IN: In addition to pardoning all the people on Death Row, former Illinois Governor George Ryan provided each pardoned murderer with bus fare to the location of his or her next homicide.

THIS JUST IN: Some college entrance exams seem to be more racially focused than others. One question asked, "If a crayon is black, what color is it?" (Incredibly, some inner city students were seen cribbing the answer from each other.)

THIS JUST IN: There is a new bio-weapon that causes widespread epidemics of ignorance and corruption. It is a germ called Arkanthrax.

THIS JUST IN: America's relentless ill-wisher, Jesse Jackson, has called for a truce to give the Iraqi Army more time to push their wives and children into the line of fire.

THIS JUST IN: Department of Defense armament experts are attempting to make shrapnel resistant flak jackets out of ossified fruit cakes leftover from last Christmas.

THIS JUST IN: Epidemiologists finally found the reason they are unable to slow the spread of disease in the inner city. Someone hung mistletoe over the door of the AIDS Clinic.

THIS JUST IN: Las Vegas bookmakers have set the odds at "even money" on a wrestling match between Tonya Harding and Godzilla. The winner will take on Hillary.

THIS JUST IN: Arkansas has a new TV Show called "The Dating Your Sister Game."

THIS JUST IN: Barbra Streisand's hit song has been selected as the theme for employees of the Welfare Department. However, they did change the title to "People Who Need People Who Need Money."

THIS JUST IN: The Little Rock Elementary School has asked Bill Clinton to officiate at a ceremony at which its first kindergarten child will be expelled for treason.

THIS JUST IN: A gay organization is trying to keep its members from becoming androgynous by adopting the slogan "Let's Keep the Homo in Homosexual."

THIS JUST IN: Dogs are finally off the hook. Dell has designed a computer that eats children's homework.

THIS JUST IN: The Clinton Library will have an exhibit of narcotic prescriptions supposedly written by Roger Clinton and filled by a Cali Cartel Walgreen's in Bolivia.

THIS JUST IN: Some United Nations inspectors have received several million francs to suppress a picture of Hans Blix looking the other way while Saddam Hussein kicks a dove in the groin.

THIS JUST IN: Senator John Kerry has been selected to play "Lurch" in the remake of the "Adams Family".
THIS JUST IN: Senate Democrats filibuster the nomination of a Judicial Candidate for something that actually happened instead of something they made up.
THIS JUST IN: Iraqi foreign minister speaks at press conference; admits the coalition is whipping the living daylights out of the Republican Guard.
THIS JUST IN: Jacques Chirac proclaims Jessica Lynch a heroine; offers her all-expense trip to Paris.
THIS JUST IN: Charles Rangel and Al Sharpton announce they will play the title roles in a remake of "Amos and Andy" (no racism intended - Amos and Andy were funny on purpose; these guys don't even KNOW they're ridiculous).
THIS JUST IN: Hillary Clinton is elected Senator of New York.... whoops, that actually happened... sorry.

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