We FATASS people might be large, but we ain't thick - or hungry

The Times (U.K.) ^ | 03/04/03 | Stephen Pollard

[Pokey78]

I have good news for you, Bob Briant. It seems you’ve been right about me all along.

Mr Briant is a regular correspondent, who e-mails me after my columns appear. The gist of his remarks is always the same: I am stupid. I have always taken issue in the past with Mr Briant’s assertion. I liked to think that a degree from Oxford, lecturing at Harvard Business School and Berkeley, working in think-tanks and writing books offered some evidence of a modicum of intelligence.

No. Yesterday I realised that the game is up and Mr Briant has me nailed to the mast. I am indeed stupid. A thicko. A moron. And it’s all thanks to the pizza I had for lunch yesterday, and the pancakes I’ll eat later today.

After studying 1,400 men and women, a University of Boston professor, one Merrill Elias, has concluded that men classified as clinically obese have, as he puts it, “significantly reduced mental agility”. Being an American academic, Professor Elias can’t actually say what he means, lest he face a class action from FATASS — the Fat Association, which campaigns in America to make obesity sexy. I have no such fears: what he means by “significantly reduced mental agility” is, of course, that they — we fatties — are stupid. (I’ve not actually come across the good work of FATASS, but I know in my heart of hearts that it must exist.)

The waitress who served me my pizza had clearly been reading Professor Elias’s study. As she brought my meal, she made to give my friend Katie’s salad to me, and my pizza to Katie. When I said that the pizza was for me, she looked at me as if to say: “With that body, how come I’m not surprised?”

I am not a conspiracy theorist by nature, but I’m sure she must have been speaking to my doctor. This good lady told me the last time that I saw her, when I had just broken two of my ribs, that I needed to lose two thirds of my body weight. Two thirds.

Now take a look at me. OK, I’m overweight. No, let’s not beat about the bush: I’m fat. But two thirds? (By the way, that’s a rhetorical question: there really is no need for you to write in with your suggestions as to how much I ought to lose.) I had just been told about two stick insects (yes, we porkers can hurl abuse too) who had smashed all their ribs by hugging each other too tightly. My padding protected me against such severe damage. See; it might make me a thicko, but at least it kept most of my ribs in one piece.

I owe Professor Elias a debt of gratitude. Thanks to him, I have at last worked out why it is that, despite my attempts to lose weight — I diet, I go to the gym, I skip dessert — it stays on. I am fat, therefore I am stupid. And because I am stupid, I don’t do the right things to lose weight. See. It all makes sense now.

Never again need I waste my time in a pointless quest to lose weight. And who, after all, in their right but, so we learn from Professor Elias, rather small, mind would not wish to enjoy the many advantages of being overweight? Getting one of those “two seaters” on the Underground all to ourselves because there’s no room left for anyone else. Not being able to buy off-the-peg suits and shirts, and having to have them made to measure — the height of luxury to you sad phasmids (the technical term for those of you who can touch your toes) but a necessity to us chubbies.

Then there’s always being asked if we want second helpings, because it’s assumed that if we’re overweight we must be greedy. Being constantly amazed at the number of gorgeous women who prefer being with a fattie to stepping out with an Adonis. Oh, and let’s not forget world domination. Americans are fatter than Europeans. America kicks ass in the world. Spot the link, stupid?

Then there’s today, Shrove Tuesday. The guilt you beansprouts have to put up with to have one stupid pancake. Don’t be brainwashed into that old Lent routine. Religion’s got nothing to do with it. It’s just the old “don’t eat that, it’s no good for you” agenda rolled up into Jesus to make you think it really matters.

Strike out. Act on impulse. If that crêpe suzette smells good, go for it. If you want that Viennese finger, have it. If you feel like a bag of chips, get the vinegar ready now. And if it means you’ll never be able to understand Schopenhauer again, c’est la vie. I’m fat, I’m thick, and I’m proud.

[GSWarrior]

After studying 1,400 men and women...

These are round figures...

[A_perfect_lady]

Wow, this poor fella is really, really angry. Well, I can understand. I've never been obese but I did gain 30 lbs that I really didn't need and finally peeled off 20 of them, still working on the last of it, and it is HARD! High protein, low carb is working for me, but slowly, slowly, slowly....

[Vladiator]

Snorting cocaine doesn't make you fat.

[Stopislamnow]

Maybe if form a lobby, suck up to the Rats, we can get social security at the 5lb over mark....

[TXBubba]

Did you just credit God with making vices?

[Darheel]

Can you tell me where He prohibited smoking please.

[CobaltBlue]

Actually, sodomy and pre-marital sex are not destructive to one's health. Having sex with someone infected with a loathsome disease is, of course, destructive to one's health.

However, one could be a perfectly chaste person, and be infected by a loathsome disease by one's lawfully wedded spouse. Especially if one's lawfully wedded spouse was a liar and a cheat, but afraid to admit it. Say, a closeted homosexual who tried to fool everyone into thinking he was really straight.

So, the moral of the story is, have all the premarital sex and sodomy you want, just don't have sex with someone infected with a loathsome disease.

[CobaltBlue]

How about the fat between your ears? What does it take to lose that? Oh . . . . right . . . . it never leaves. Kinda like cellulite.

[supercat]

My wife was quite large from the day I met her, but she was always my big beautiful sweetie. Still, having started Atkins recently I find myself wondering if broad public acceptance of Atkins a few years ago might have saved her life (we didn't eat a whole lot of fat, but were fairly heavy on carbohydrates).

[Sonny M]

Now, now guys, don't be cruel, cuz fat chicks need looovin too.

[general_re]

Still, having started Atkins recently I find myself wondering if broad public acceptance of Atkins a few years ago might have saved her life (we didn't eat a whole lot of fat, but were fairly heavy on carbohydrates)

Clicked on your profile - sorry for your loss. My wife's father struggled with weight problems his whole life, and eventually it killed him - stroked out on my living room floor one fine day, in front of his daughter and his grandchildren. I'm not real wild about this fat acceptance thing, because morbid obesity looks a lot like a death sentence to me. People with weight problems don't need articles like this telling them that it's okay, IMO - they need help to get healthy and stay healthy.

[supercat]

People with weight problems don't need articles like this telling them that it's okay, IMO - they need help to get healthy and stay healthy.

True, but the cycle of depression and eating can make that difficult, especially when combined with a cycle of blood sugar drops and spikes. If Atkins is as right as he seems to be, I really hope he can become more widely accepted. I think the "S" curve is reaching the critical point, so I have good hopes that there will be major changes in the readily available foodstuffs (it's frustrating being hungry in a client site when the vending machine has absolutely nothing acceptable to eat).

My personal suspicion is that there are many people for whom a primarily-carbohydrate diet is reasonably healthful, but there are also a very large number for whom it is an absolute disaster. Once people start to become insulin-resistant, any attempt at a low-fat carb-dominated diet is biologically doomed to fail.

Call me a crazy dreamer, but in my vision of the future, people pushing carb-dominated diets to those in the carb-death-spiral will be told to take a hike, and the U.S. obesity and diabetes rates will start taking a noticeable turn for the better, and Robert Atkins, after decades of ridicule, will finally be given the Nobel Prize in Medicine he deserves.

So tell me, is that a crazy dream or future reality?

[general_re]

True, but the cycle of depression and eating can make that difficult, especially when combined with a cycle of blood sugar drops and spikes.

Oh, absolutely. I freely admit, I was really ignorant of this kind of thing, until I saw someone fighting with it for years, and ultimately losing his life to it. People don't understand what it's like, or how hard it can be, and so they ridicule it. If this is something you're fighting with, I truly hope you find the answer - I don't like to think of your family going through something like that again. It goddamn near killed my wife to lose her father in front of her like that, and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy...

So tell me, is that a crazy dream or future reality?

I don't know about Nobel Prizes, but it's becoming harder and harder for people to dismiss Atkins as a quack and a nut.

In case you might have missed it a while back: What if It's All Been a Big Fat Lie?

[supercat]

True, but the cycle of depression and eating can make that difficult, especially when combined with a cycle of blood sugar drops and spikes.

Oh, absolutely. I freely admit, I was really ignorant of this kind of thing, until I saw someone fighting with it for years, and ultimately losing his life to it. People don't understand what it's like, or how hard it can be, and so they ridicule it. If this is something you're fighting with, I truly hope you find the answer - I don't like to think of your family going through something like that again. It goddamn near killed my wife to lose her father in front of her like that, and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy...

Well, I think I found the answer for myself in my Atkins book. Been thinking of getting a few copies to circulate to friends and acquaintances who express an interest; do you know if there'd be a quantity discount for 5 copies or so?

So tell me, is that a crazy dream or future reality?

I don't know about Nobel Prizes, but it's becoming harder and harder for people to dismiss Atkins as a quack and a nut.

In case you might have missed it a while back: What if It's All Been a Big Fat Lie?

I saw that threat awhile ago, but was too busy to read it. Interesting that Atkins mirrors what was published in 1825. Actually, reading the references to old material sorta reminded me of http://www.artrenewal.org and its discussion of how modern "art" almost managed to completely displace real art.

[A_perfect_lady]

How about the fat between your ears? What does it take to lose that? Oh . . . . right . . . . it never leaves. Kinda like cellulite.

Was that aimed at me or the author?

[Mind-numbed Robot]

I appreciate and respect your desire to spread the Christian gospel but it does get tiring when you take every subject as a opportunity to preach. In the event you are not aware, those who agree with you simply nod their heads rather than joining your evangelism. Those who don't, or who are on the fence, find you a pain. No one paragraph sermon is going to convert anyone. Give it a rest until an appropriate thread, i.e. one specifically on religion or Christianity. We do have those from time to time and I join in. Until then, give it a rest.

[null and void]

I'm not real wild about this fat acceptance thing, because morbid obesity looks a lot like a death sentence to me.

That would be me.

I get really mean when I'm chronicly hungry. Try and force a diet on me, and just see who gets the death sentence...

[general_re]

As long as you control it, and it doesn't control you, I think you'll be okay. And I'll try to remember not to bug you about how you eat ;)