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Posted on 03/02/2003 8:01:18 AM PST by katherineisgreat
FORUMS
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As if she doesn't already have enough stress in her life defending the sexual orientation of Ken, Barbie will soon be saddled with a pair of grandparents.
The dolls, who have yet to be named (I'm partial to Doc and Bunny), will be on toy-store shelves by the fall, according to a story in the New York Daily News.
About all we know at this point is that grandpa will be dressed in a woolly jumper and grandma will wear a floral blouse. (We assume -- no, make that we pray -- that she will also be wearing a dress or pants or some other discreet garment. Little girls have enough trouble coping with the world today without having to deal with Barbie's Swinging Butt-Naked Grandma.)
Although both have streaks of gray in their hair, Grandma and Grandpa Barbie are said to look slim and perky for their age, which is also at this point a mystery.
Since Mattel is being stingy with details about Grandma and Grandpa Barbie, I see no reason not to jump in and invent lives for them. (That's pretty much the idea behind playing with dolls, isn't it?)
Since they're grandparents, we will assume that Grandma and Grandpa Barbie are retired. We can also assume, without stretching credibility too far, that they have retired to Florida, specifically Sarasota. Given the fact that they are related to Barbie, one of the best-selling toys of all time, Grandma and Grandpa are not hurting for money. In fact, they live in a nice condo near the beach, a short bike ride from St. Armands Circle.
Despite her predilection for running around the house without pants, Grandma Barbie is politically conservative and an active member of the Sarasota Republican Women's Club. She is a close personal friend of Katherine Harris and has written many angry letters to the Sarasota Herald-Tribune (often under different names) accusing the paper of biased coverage. (Grandma Barbie gives away her identity because she uses the term "preening liberals" in every letter.)
Grandma Barbie has a cat named Reagan (her favorite president) and it is extremely well-behaved, due in no small part to the fact that it is made out of plastic. (Parents of small children should be aware that Reagan could be a choking hazard.)
Grandpa Barbie had hip-replacement surgery a couple of years ago but is fine now and back playing golf three times a week with his friends Jerry, Les and Earl at University Park Country Club, where he carries a 16 handicap. Age has mellowed Grandpa Barbie, who once answered to the nickname "Helicopter" because of his penchant for throwing clubs. Today, when he misses a short putt or slices a drive into alligator country, he simply smiles a wry smile and mutters, "No matter how bad it gets, it's better than shoveling snow."
Grandpa Barbie's hearing and eyesight are not so good, which is understandable considering he's a plastic figurine. On his way to the dermatologist to get some skin cancers burned off, Grandpa Barbie nearly pulled out in front of a speeding ambulance, which he failed to see or hear until the last second. When she rides with him, which is not often, Grandma Barbie often screams "Look out!" while mashing an imaginary brake pedal.
All in all, Grandma and Grandpa Barbie enjoy retirement living in Sarasota, Florida. In the winter they complain about the "snowbirds" and in the summer they complain about the heat, which makes them no different from just about everyone else who lives in this part of the world.
The fact that they are only 12 inches tall and made of molded plastic does, however, put them at a distinct disadvantage at cocktail parties.
David Grimes can be reached by mail at the Sarasota Herald-Tribune, P.O. Drawer 1719, Sarasota, FL 34230; by phone at (941) 957-5209; by fax at (941) 957-5276 or by e-mail at david.grimes@heraldtribune.com.
Let's flood them with angry letters under lots of fake names (hehe, Have to say I've used fake addys and names emailing them myself)
FREEP 'EM!
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