Ready or Not... (Dowd alert)

The New York Sun ^ | 02/23/03 | Maureen Dowd

[Pokey78]

WASHINGTON — Nobody in America makes me feel more insecure than Tom Ridge.

The man who is supposed to restore my confidence in the prospect of my safety gives me the uneasy sense that the door's unlocked, the alarm's off and there's a ladder leaning up against the house.

He seems like a pleasant, well-meaning guy and admits, "It's not always easy to know the right thing to say or the right thing to do."

But in George Bush's pulp Western, Mr. Ridge should be a square-jawed extra with no lines.

Last week, the head of Homeland Insecurity unveiled the big strategy he's been working on for nearly a year: a $1.2 million "ready campaign," a p.r. concoction complete with a "D'oh!" Web site. There are TV ads starring cute New York City firemen telling people to store water and get flashlights, and close-ups of Mr. Ridge spouting simple-minded axioms like "Have a good communications plan for your family."

The new campaign was developed with the help of focus groups convened by the Advertising Council.

George Bush has always mocked Washington's dependence on focus groups. Only last week, he derided mass European protests against the war, saying listening to the marchers would be like relying on focus groups to set foreign policy. (Millions of people marching in the streets of world capitals is not a sampling of opinion; it is opinion.)

Mr. Bush leads a West Wing that thinks politically all the time. Andy Card talks about rolling out the war with Iraq like a marketing campaign, and now Mr. Ridge runs his agency according to the principles of consumer marketing. (And maybe fund-raising, too. According to Al Kamen of The Washington Post, almost half the duct tape sold in the U.S. comes from a company whose founder gave more than $100,000 to Republicans in 2000.)

What can the Bush administration learn from a focus group of understandably confused Americans about making our borders and ports more secure? Do they have a preferred thickness of duct tape? Should they head straight to the bomb shelter or stop by Blockbuster first?

Peggy Conlon of the Ad Council told The Times's Lynette Clemetson that they asked focus group panels if it would be effective for Mr. Ridge to use celebrities to instruct the public on safety.

The group participants thankfully recoiled from that idea, knowing that they share little common ground with stars who already have "safe rooms" in their mansions stocked with Pellegrino, Dom and Botox and their "human shield" minions running around buying Prada emergency packs.

The focus groupers also nixed a proposal to have Mr. Ridge's ad campaign advise Americans to "be a soldier in your own home."

They did not like to think about a terrorist attack in terms of war, Ms. Conlon said, but more as a disaster like a tornado or earthquake that they could weather.

Anyhow, that's just another way of saying, you're on your own, buddy, you're an army of one, be all that you can be in the short time that remains.

In encouraging people to be prepared, the ready.gov Web site notes that you may be in a "moving vehicle at the time of an attack. Know what you can do." How about keep moving? The site's drawing illustrating a radiation threat shows a map of Texas, with the radioactive arrow pointed to the vicinity of Crawford.

The Republicans are afraid that Democrats are going to get traction with the argument that the White House has shortchanged national security in its Ahab pursuit of Saddam.

An upcoming article in The New Republic, contending that the president has not done enough, cites an American Association of Port Authorities estimate that it would cost $2 billion to make the ports secure. But since Sept. 11, only $318 million has been spent. Although Mr. Bush himself endorsed a program to screen cargo at foreign ports, his budget provides no money for it.

What Mr. Ridge is supposed to be doing is getting the best scientific and technical expertise, as it relates to all threats, and developing concrete plans and suggestions for every possible contingency.

He's not supposed to be selling security, or spinning it; he's supposed to be providing it.

He doesn't need to make security more alluring to us. We already find it absolutely alluring. We'd just like to get some more of it. 

[Pokey78]

2003 Oscar nominations: Best Supporting Actress

Kathy Bates: "About Schmidt"
Julianne Moore:"The Hours"
Queen Latifah: "Chicago"
Meryl Streep: "Adaptation"
Catherine Zeta-Jones: "Chicago."

From Oxblog:

IMMUTABLE LAWS OF DOWD

1. Ashcroft never deserves credit.

2. Offering constructive solutions to problems, instead of whining endlessly about them, is a sign of weakness.

3. The People Magazine principle: all political phenomena can be explained with reference solely to caricatures of the personalities involved ("Dubya" is stupid; "Poppy" is an aristocrat; Cheney is macho-man; etc.). Any reference to the common good or even to old-fashioned politicking is, like, so passe.

4. It is much better to be cute than coherent.

5. Maureen knows best. Her long years as a columnist (doing basically what your great-aunt Tillie does in the nursing home bull sessions, but getting paid for it) have given her deep insight into foreign relations, politics, welfare, the Constitution, and all other topics. To disagree with Maureen in any way is not only a sign of being wrong, it's a hallmark of pure evil...or at least membership in the NRA, which is pretty much the same thing.

6. It is usually possible and always desirable to name-drop and name-call in the same sentence.

7. The particulars of my consumer-driven, shamefully self-involved life reveal universal truths.

---

Explanation of the Dowd/Douglas connection: by Miss Marple- 2/11/03

Ms. Dowd was escorted around New York and DC for many months by one Michael Douglas of Hollywood fame and fortune. She got to go to all the best parties, was photographed for the tabloids, and was picking out a gown to wear at the Oscars. Of course, Michael had become interested in her during Clinton's impeachment, when she had written some very anti-Clinton columns. After a few weeks of the Michael treatment, she began to write anti-Starr, ant-Newt columns, ignoring Clinton.

Then Clinton was acquitted by the Senate. In an amazing coincidence, Michael Douglas dropped Ms. Dowd like a hot potato, and instead picked up a hot tomato, Catherin Zeta-Jones, who subsequently bore him a son and they were married.

Ms. Dowd cannot get over her tragic loss. Her columns are increasingly anti-Bush, in the hope of impressing her lost love, Michael.

In addition, we think she has a secret crush on the President and is trying to get him to pay attention to her. Ha!

[Rummyfan]

Whoa .... Maureen Dowd is now writing for the New York Sun???

[MadIvan]

Meanwhile Catherine Zeta Jones dances her way to awards for her role in "Chicago":

Regards, Ivan

[Pokey78]

No. I goofed. Have already sent in a change request to the Times.

[prognostigaator]

Yes, but can Zeta Jones write?

[CROSSHIGHWAYMAN]

Nobody in America makes me feel more insecure than Tom Ridge.

Right away she starts off with a lie.

I thought that honor went to W.

[MadIvan]

Yes, but can Zeta Jones write?

No, but neither can Dowd.

Regards, Ivan

[Dog]

LOL!

Miss Marple is so wise....she is my hero!

[Jim Noble]

Something certainly makes Maureen insecure...

What could it be?

[anniegetyourgun]

Poor little insecure Mo.

[mr.pink]

Wow....the true love story of Michael Douglas and Maureen Dowd has a timeline that's sort of similar to another Clinton friendly timeline....

Namely, Claudia Cohen hooking up with Al D'Amato while Al was running the Whitewater investigation in the Senate Banking Commitee. Once the ineffectual investiagtion was concluded....Claudia suddenly discovered Al D wasn't such a hottie afterall and dumped him.

[AmishDude]

(And maybe fund-raising, too. According to Al Kamen of The Washington Post, almost half the duct tape sold in the U.S. comes from a company whose founder gave more than $100,000 to Republicans in 2000.)

I knew it! I knew they would blame BIG DUCT TAPE! How disgusting. Dowd is the least creative of this predictable bunch.

[RichInOC]

...TV ads starring cute New York City firemen telling people to store water...

Boys, I realize that fighting fires and rescuing people in New York City is hazardous enough in itself...but could one of you possibly see his way clear to pleasuring the lovely Maureen and putting her out of our misery? Thanks ever so much.

[Cicero]

This just out: Maureen Dowd feels insecure.

[RichInOC]

Seriously, I thought that being afraid of government officials could get you fired from the Times.

[ewing]

[ewing]

[NYC GOP Chick]

Doesn't count if they're afraid of government officials in a GOP administration.

[sauropod]

The dowdy one sounds more and more petulant.

We should all send her a roll of duct tape.

[Denver Ditdat]

Where did Mo learn to apply her makeup - from the diagrams in an undertaker's textbook?