Son, you've got some purple kool-aid on your chin.
AMES, IA—Tragedy struck Monday afternoon at a birthday party for local kid Billy Spence when a giant pitcher of Kool-Aid burst through a wall and trampled seven children. "Bill was so excited to be turning ten," his mother said. "Too bad it was spoiled by all his friends dying."
The party had gotten off to a great start earlier that day, with Billy and his classmates enjoying cake and playing games. Then, as Billy began opening his presents, 9-year-old Joey Kirk spoke his fateful last words: "Hey Mrs. Spence, is there more Kool-Aid?"
Before she could answer, there was a rumbling from outside, and amid a shout of "OH YEAH!" the kitchen wall collapsed, crushing several of the children. What has been described as a giant red pitcher of Kool-Aid with arms and legs burst through the rubble and poured a glass for Joey, whose legs had been crushed in the accident.
"It’s all sort of a blur, 'cause I was getting so dizzy," said Joey, "but I’m pretty sure he started break-dancing, and he kept trying to high-five everybody. Most of the kids couldn’t high-five anymore, though, you know, 'cause of the dying."
As Billy, his mother and the surviving partygoers scattered throughout the house, their attacker, known now as "Kool-Aid Man," strutted down the street, holding the Spence-family stereo on his shoulder and snapping his fingers. "The sad part," Mrs. Spence said, "Is that we didn’t even need more Kool-Aid; there was already some in the fridge."
Although more deaths have yet to be reported, Kool-Aid Man was spotted later on a local basketball court, moonwalking and wearing a giant headband.
Above: Kool-Aid Man dances amid the wreckage of the Spence home. Oh no, Kool-Aid Man... oh no.
Do you think this is Jack?