Judge Pickering, Arlen Specter, and more.

ON SUNDAY, January 5, 82-year-old Roy Jenkins died at his home in Oxfordshire, England. Jenkins was a great and distinguished man: a Welsh miner's son who became a three-time cabinet minister, founder of the Social Democratic party, president of the European Commission, author of more than 20 much admired books of historical scholarship, a British life peer, and member of the Queen's Order of Merit. Baron Jenkins's death leaves his final position, chancellor of Oxford University, open. So who on earth could possibly take his place?

Bizarrely enough, the name on everyone's lips is Bill Clinton. The Times of London calls Clinton "a realistic prospect" and likely a "hot favorite among younger graduates." Alan Ryan, a professor at the university's New College, says he'd "love" to see it happen. "It would be tremendously good fun," Oxford and "fun" being virtually synonymous, of course. Clinton has Oxford connections: He frittered away his late-1960s Rhodes Scholarship there, and his daughter Chelsea is there right now. Also, Britain's university system is suffering a severe money crunch, and nobody does fundraising like good old Bill. Perfect, no?

Except for one thing, what you might call the "Roy Jenkins problem." Oxford, as the Chicago Tribune puts it, "is the personification of gravitas and dignity." Bill Clinton, on the other hand, is . . . well, not the personification of gravitas and dignity. What to do? What, for example, would Oxford's Public Orator say when it came time, at Clinton's investiture ceremony, to read the traditional Latin citation?

Our friends at London's Financial Times have considered this question, and have offered one possible answer, excerpts of which--tremendously good fun, we think--follow:

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Before he takes on the new job, Clinton might want to make sure the statute of limitations has expired on the rape charges - he got out of a rape charge in Oxford by agreeing to leave the country. He wsa one of only two Rhodes Scholars not to complete a degree program at Oxford. This is when he started bumming around Europe, a guest of various communist governments.

Guilelmus Clinton. . . . In res publicis et civitatis homo erectus stupendus ut in mens et in corpore. Philosophus profundus, per exemplo, "Quae quod significatio verbi 'est' est?" Libidensis gigantem. . . . Herba marijuana fumerat (sed non inhalerat), legionus Americanus evaderat, cum multibus feminibus dormaverat. . . . Alia Occidentalis Domus Albus laborante, sibi pizza donata est a Monica Lewinsky, puella pulchrissima, sensuosa californicante, fellatrix superiore. "Non coitus est cum hac femina," dixit. . . . Domus Representatis imperator Clinton defenestrare tentavit. Senatus, 50-50 divisa est, absolvit. . . . Ergo Cancellarius Universitatis Oxoniensi! Mentor feminae juvenaliae britannicae! Clintonus Maximus! Ave! Genuflexamus!

My high school Latin is rusty, but the gist of this is:

Bill Clinton-in public affairs a stupendous erect human in his own mind. A profound philosopher, for example "It all depends what the meaning of the word "is" is." A gigantic libido...He smoked marijuana but didn't inhale, he evaded the draft, and slept with many women. In the White House he offered pizza to Monica Lewinski, a young woman of exceptional beauty and sexual prowess from California, the land of fornicators. "I never had sexual relations with that woman" he said. The House of Representatives tried to throw him out the window. The Senate, divided 50-50, absolved him. Oxford University expelled him, the corruptor of young British women. Clinton the Great! All hail! Bow down before him!

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