"I am announcing today that we have bombed the infidel Americans in the 19th Province of Iraq, and they are dying as we watch from a disease commonly called "Ebola". The dirty Americans brought this biological agent with them, to place blame upon the Islamic army. We have foiled their plans to attack us and they are now dying from their own stupidity."
"Today, Iraq also has 25 nuclear bombs shared with us by our North Korean friends. We will anniliate anyone who attacks us, and have prepositioned some of these weapons in the capitals of foreign lands"
"I would, therefore, like to also announce the creation of the Islamic Kaliphiate. I am assuming the duties of this newly created position to protect the Arab peoples and the muslim world from the evildoers."