Wrapped up in red tape madness

The Scotsman, UK ^ | Thu 26 Dec 2002 | JOHN STEWART

[Willie Green]

For education and discussion only. Not for commercial use.

IF IT hadn´t been raining so hard on the day of the disinterment, we would have doffed our bunnets as a mark of respect.

My neighbour and I stood in grave-faced silence as two officials clad in protective clothing struggled to reopen the hole. We even maintained our composure when one official´s waterproof breeks split with a noise like a protracted fart.

Over the years, a great many sheep had sojourned around the hole and their droppings mixed with scraps of wool had formed a thick carapace that was proving stubbornly resistant to the officials´ efforts.

It had not been my idea to re-open the hole. I had, indeed, strongly opposed it on the grounds that it would serve no purpose as any evidence would be long gone but, despite many letters to that effect, I had been over-ruled.

The site held no happy memories for me, but I felt obliged to be present and was grateful for my neighbour´s company as the last clods were shovelled aside and the spades forced under the wooden boards. With a screech of wood on rusty metal a plank came off to reveal the dank, fetid interior.

Although I was certain of my innocence, it was still with a sense of relief that I heard an official announce that there was nothing incriminating to be seen before my neighbour leaned forward to look into the hole and gently inquired: "Is that moosie doon there no´ the same as a canary doon a coal mine?" A field mouse gazed up at us.

The comparison was wasted on the officials to whom coal mines were from the history books and to whom the presence of a live mouse in a disused sheep dipper did not obviously confirm the absence of toxicity. Still, they accepted at last that I had not used it for some time and issued me with an official Environmental Protection Agency chitty and a stern warning that I must not resume doing so without their permission.

I let them remove their protective clothing before pointing out that the hole they had left open was a safety hazard and asking them to reinstate the covering. I could see no reason why bureaucracy gone mad should cause that moosie´s plans to gang agley.