December 16, 2002: Yes, it's that time of year again. Time for our annual Iconoclast Gift-Giving Guide for Kids -- a run-down of the neatest toys for the tiny tykes this holiday season. And what better children's gift to start off with than the hottest seller in D.C. this year, Mattel's Trent Lott Dufus Action Figure -- place him in front of a microphone and he immediately puts his foot in his mouth.
There's also Hasbro's popular Saddam Hussein Chemistry Set -- it teaches little Johnnie how to make nerve gas, prepare an acid bath for the pesky cat next door, and infect the neighborhood bully with smallpox.
Kids should really have fun with the Talking Rosie Doll -- it can shout more offensive four-letter words than even the Eminem Expletive-Deleted Rapper Doll. Press Rosie's retractable navel and she insults all the other dolls. And press her magic 'alternate sexual preference' button and she makes a pass at Barbie. Even and mom and dad will have fun with this entertaining toy, especially if Dad's a gun owner. Just wait till Talking Rosie finds out and gives him an earful. Then the four-letter curse-words will really fly!
And let's not foget the perfect gift for everyone's favorite Ken doll or G.I. Joe action figure, PlaySchool's Tom Cruise Shoe Lifts & Viagra Set -- the perfect way to deal with your play figure's sense of inadequacy or flagging self-esteem. Now G.I. Joe can enjoy his weekend leaves again, towering over the gals at the beer joint and impressing them in that other, er, department. Highly recommended for your child's discarded George Stephanopoulos action figure.
But let's not forget that special gift for the spoiled princess in your family, Mattel's Malibu Babs (Streisand) Democratic Activist Doll. Install the four accompanying AAA batteries and Malibu Babs immediately gives unwanted advice to the president of the United States on myriad foreign-policy matters, misspells the name of the Democratic House leader, and identifies Tehran as the capital city of Iraq. Feed her a spoonful of caviar and she lectures your child on the social injustice of homelessness in America. And get her together with Mattel's best-selling Big Mouth Marty (Sheen) Peace Activist Doll (not included), and Malibu Babs will picket the nearest U.S. Army missile-testing range and join with Big Mouth Marty in singing a rousing rendition of "Goombayah"...............