Al Gore Reviews "Die Another Day"

Laissez Faire Electronic Times ^ | December 16, 2002 | Al Gore (Typing by P.J. Gladnick)

[PJ-Comix]

The performance in Lie Another Day was flawless. Bill Clinton effortlessly lied his way through a speech criticizing the Democrats for failing to get out their message in the recent campaign without him suffering from the least bit of self-conscious irony that HE was the one acting as the chief Democrat cheerleader. Then when Clinton castigated Democrats for standing by and not answering criticism of Tom Daschle while he was one of those standing by, it was a delicious hypocrisy that… OOPS!

You say the movie I'm supposed to be reviewing is not Lie Another Day but Die Another Day? Okay, Sorry for the error. However, now that we are on the subject of Democrat politics, let's take a brief look at the latest entry into the 2004 presidential race.

It now looks like John F. Kerry has thrown his hat into the ring—almost. I say "almost" because Kerry has formed an "Exploratory Committee" to determine if he should run for president. How bogus! Most potential presidential candidates opt nowadays for "Exploratory Committees" before they make the OFFICIAL announcement. Why? Mainly so they can get more face time on TV before actually making the announcement.

I would love to know who is on Kerry's "Exploratory Committee." Do they meet twice a week in a hotel suite? Is there a "Kerry Presidential Exploratory Committee" bowling team for after-hours relaxation? What if the "Exploratory Committee" chairman informs Kerry, "Senator, the Exploratory Committee has decided by an 8 to 7 vote that you should NOT run for president because the public will never accept a First Lady who is a RAVING LUNATIC!"

And here we come to the reason why I'm not the least bit worried about John F. Kerry running against me for the Democrat presidential nomination. His wife, Mrs. Heinz, doesn't just have a few mental health "issues" like Tipper. At least with Tipper all I have to do is pop a Prozac into her mouth and toss a horse tranquilizer down her gullet and she's good to go.

Mrs. Heinz, on the other hand, is a Full Moon, Butterfly-Net-Waving, Pogo-Stick-Hopping, Leather- Strap-Biting, raving LUNATIC! Or to put it in the technical language of psychiatry—She's flat out nuts. If Ross Perot had the Crazy Aunt in the Attic, then Kerry is plagued by the Wacky Wife in the Livingroom.

Even if Mrs. Heinz (who prefers using the last name of her FAVORITE husband) weren't nuts, Kerry still has no chance to be elected president. Not with his Frankenstein Monster looks. I wouldn't be surprised if broadcasters are required to place a Parental Advisory Alert on the TV screen whenever Kerry appears on the tube: "WARNING!—The face you are about to see may scare the crap out of your kids." All Kerry has to do is place a couple of electrodes on his neck and the picture is complete.

But enough with Kerry's pathetic but hilarious campaign woes and on with the movie review….

One important thing I learned from Die Another Day is that North Korea is definitely NOT among the great tourist attractions of the world. There are no real colors in North Korea. Everything is a dull brown or gray. Even if you show up in North Korea wearing a colorful Hawaiian shirt, it instantly becomes gray and brown from all the mud splattered on it. You want a fun vacation? Well, you'll find better scenery at a New Jersey Toxic Waste Site than you will in North Korea.

In this flick, James Bond as played by Pierce Brosnan, is sent into the hellhole that is known as North Korea to assassinate the renegade son of a North Korean general. In the process (and after a really kewl hovercraft chase over a minefield) Bond is captured. Just as the North Koreans are about to submit Bond to horrible torture, a hot looking North Korean female jailer frees Bond and they both escape to South Korea but not before having sex right in the middle of the DMZ.

That is how the other Bond films would have unfolded. Die Another Day is unique in that this time, Bond is subjected to horrible torture by being dunked in freezing water and having scorpions bite him. Plus there is no quickie escape because Bond is stuck in that torture prison for 14 long months. By the end of that time, the debonair James Bond look is gone and is replaced by a scraggly long-haired bearded prisoner who looks remarkably like how Johnny Taliban appeared when captured.

Hey, don't get me started on Johnny Taliban.

Talk about a clueless person. Let's see… Johnny Taliban left California because of the shame he felt when his Dad turned Homo and moved in with his boyfriend. Then that idiot, Johnny Taliban, somehow deluded himself into thinking that the Taliban folks are the most anti-Homo people in the world. So what happened? He ended up smack dab in the middle of Pedophilistan. That's right. Even though Johnny Taliban thought he would be living among people who rejected Homos like his Daddy, he ended up in Pedophiliac Heaven.

How did this state of affairs come to be? Because those Taliban folks were so FRIGGIN' STUPID that they covered up all their women with ugly black robes so you can't see them.

Imagine going out on a date in Taliban Afghanistan when you don't even know what the chick even looks like because she is totally covered by a burkha. Actually there was no dating in Afghanistan. The guys there didn't even see their wives faces until the wedding day.

And who chose the little woman with whom they would spend the rest of their lives? Their mothers who would check out the prospective brides sans ugly robes. There is absolutely NO ONE worse for picking women based on looks than your mother. Imagine the scene when some poor guy finally sees the wife his mother chose for him:

"Ma! Why did you pick out such an ugly warthog for me?"

"Well, I thought she was cute."

"Are you kidding? She makes me want to retch!"

"At least she has a nice personality and cooks up a great goat stew."

Then there is also the problem of a great looking woman being rejected by a mother:

"So, Mom! Now that I'm stuck with the ugly warthog you chose for me, which women did you reject?"

"Petra Verkaik, Playboy Playmate of the Year. She just wasn't right for you son."

"Are you crazy! Petra has those Miraculous Massive Mammaries."

"That's just why I rejected her. I was afraid her large succulent hooters would suffocate you when you buried your face in them."

"Oh Ma! How could you?"

"I was just thinking about the welfare of my little Sonny Boy."

"Gee thanks, Ma, for making me go Homo."

In a bizarre setting like that, it's no wonder so many over there ended up with Michael Jackson type proclivities. Hey, Johnny Taliban, you fool! Why didn't you save yourself the plane fare to Afghanistan and just send away for a NAMBLA card?

Sometime during the torture sequence in the movie we were subjected to the misery of a Madonna song which has to go down as the WORST theme song of the entire James Bond series. At first I thought there was just a problem in the theater sound system due to the horrible tinny sound coming from the speakers. Then it dawned on me that this was the way Madonna wanted us to hear her song. So while Bond was being tortured by cold water dunkings and stinging scorpions on the big screen, the audience was subjected to the much worse torture of Madonna painfully assaulting out ears.

While I was still recuperating from that Madonna song, I noticed that Bond, sans the long hair and dirt, was back in action in Cuba. And what a paradise Cuba is in this film! The people of Havana are well fed and happy. Hot chicks are merrily doing the Salsa on the streets while food abounds everywhere at outdoor fruit stands. This proves that those rightwing Fifth Columnist Cuban exiles in Miami are all wrong about Castro's Cuba. There is so much food available in Cuba from what I saw in this film that if the embargo were ever lifted, they would be exporting food to us.

And the most delicious item in Die Another Day is Halle Berry as agent Jinx. The very sight of her on the big screen is enough to microwave that Chimichanga in your pantalones.

WOW! If I ever decide to pop a Viagra, Halle Berry would definitely be the first chick I would Shtoop.

WAIT! What can I be thinking? Please forgive me, Tipper! I have been faithfully married to you all these years and I would never destroy your trust in me by breaking my sacred marital vow. And my vow is this—That the first woman I would boink after taking the Viagra would be Petra Verkaik. Of course, Halle Berry would definitely be number 2 on my Shtoop List.

Yes, Halle is HOT in this flick but could the screen writers have come up with some better pickup lines than the dopey double entendres the characters were flinging at each other? Even basic pigeon English such this would have been an improvement: "ME! YOU! BED! GO!"

As for the rest of the movie, it pretty much followed the Bond formula: hot chicks get banged, villains get whacked, and kewl gizmos get destroyed.

Pierce Brosnan as James Bond is no Sean Connery but at least he isn't also George Lazenby or Timothy Dalton whose reigns as James Bond were mercifully brief. Unfortunately the same can't be said of Roger Moore who smirked his way through way too many James Bond films.

On my Chad Rating Scale of one to ten chads, with ten chads being best, I should give Die Another Day eight chads for being the most interesting Bond film since Sean Connery left the franchise. However, due to the fact that I had to suffer through that horrible Madonna song, I am penalizing Die Another Day a chad and giving it a seven chad rating. And speaking of chads, you better bring along a bag full of chads to the movie to plug your ears up with when Madonna begins singing the theme song.

This is the NEW Al Gore letting 'er rip!

[PJ-Comix]

You can say that again.

Okay:

"Mrs. Heinz, on the other hand, is a Full Moon, Butterfly-Net-Waving, Pogo-Stick-Hopping, Leather- Strap-Biting, raving LUNATIC! Or to put it in the technical language of psychiatry—She's flat out nuts."

[TheRedSoxWinThePennant]

i thought algore wrote the screenplay

[PJ-Comix]

The REAL reason why Algore dropped out of the Presidential race is that he wants to devote all of his energy to these movie reviews. You will be seeing a lot more of them in the future.

p.s. Also it will permit him to eat those extra-large buckets of hot buttered popcorn without having to worry about watching his weight for campaign appearances.