JAMES DEAN MEMORIAL SERVICE SPEECH

(The following speech was delivered at James Dean’s memorial service shortly after his fatal car crash on September 30, 1955.)

Tonight we are gathered here to pay homage to the late great James Dean who tragically left us at a young age on September 30 in a fatal automobile accident. Let me set the tone of this memorial service by reading this condolence note from Rock Hudson, who co-starred with James in the recently completed, Giant:

“On behalf of myself and my fellow actors and all of the film crew of Giant, we mourn the untimely tragic death of our dear friend, James Dean. His was a magnificent talent which shall be greatly missed.”

Thank you, Rock. Even though you tried to pass this off as an expression of condolence, we know what you REALLY meant. HAVE YOU NO SHAME, ROCK?!!! Can’t you wait until James Dean’s memorial service is over before you start campaigning for an Academy Award? I am therefore calling on all actors to quit their unseemly politicking for Academy Award nominations until AFTER this memorial service for James Dean.

James had many, many friends in the acting community but the one who was dearest to him was actress, Pier Angeli. To Pier, whom James loved so much, I address this question: WHY DID YOU BREAK JAMES’ HEART YOU LOUSY BITCH?!!!

Yeah, James loved you and wanted to marry you. So what did you do? You BROKE HIS HEART by marrying Vic Damone, a sleazy lounge singer. How pathetic is that? Tough luck for you, Pier. You could have married a film legend but you turned him down for a sleazoid singer.

Our beloved James Dean had just completed filming Giant when his life was tragically cut short. In that movie he acted brilliantly in the role of Jett Rink. So dedicated was James to his role that he spent a lot of time hanging out with Texans in order to speak with an authentic sounding accent. Contrast this with Hudson whose accent in Giant sounded so phony it was like he hadn’t gotten any closer to Texas than a couple of feet off Santa Monica Boulevard. And that acting by Rock….UGGH! Hey Rock, did you just wire in your performance by telegraph? Talk about not even trying!

Rock thought that aging himself 30 years in Giant meant nothing more than tossing some whitener into his hair. James, on the other hand, completely threw himself into a convincing aging process. He also whitened his hair but he did so much more. He had his forehead shaved back, hunched over like an older man, and talked like he really aged. Meanwhile Rock comes off as nothing more than a Hollywood glamour boy with a bit of whitener on the side of his head. Nothing personal, Rock, but after this flick I sure hope you are condemned spend the rest of your career making mindless romantic comedies with Doris Day.

James Dean always kept it real. He didn’t change his identity by adopting a phony sounding name like Tab Hunter or Rock Hudson. No offense, Tab and Rock, but aren’t you even the least bit embarrassed to be using those fruitcake names? James even resisted the temptation to ingratiate himself with the public by using the folksy sounding “Jimmy.” No he left it to that hick country singer, Jimmy Dean, who is always trying to hock his damn pork sausages off on us.

James was the youngest person ever admitted to the famous Actor’s Studio school in New York. Unlike another student of Method Acting, that fat-assed Marlon Brando, James didn’t mumble his way through his roles. And what roles they were! In addition to his character of Jett Rink in Giant, James was also magnificent as Cal Trask in East Of Eden and the memorable Jim Stark in Rebel Without A Cause which inspired the whole Youth Revolution.

And now in death, James is a Rebel WITH A Cause. His cause is now OUR CAUSE! That CAUSE is to posthumously WIN the Academy Award for Best Actor. If you want to join me in becoming Rebels WITH A Cause…SAY YES!!!

FOR JAMES DEAN WILL YOU BUY THEATER TICKETS AND MAKE GIANT THE TOP GROSSING MOVIE OF THE YEAR… SAY YES!!! (Audience screams: “YES!!!”)

FOR JAMES DEAN WILL YOU WORK TO MAKE HIM THE ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE FOR BEST ACTOR…SAY YES!!! (Audience screams: “YES!!!”)

I therefore call upon the Directors of the Academy Awards to unanimously proclaim James Dean the winner of the Best Actor Award. If James Dean’s legacy comes to an end within just days after this unspeakable tragedy then our spirits will be crushed and we will drown in a river of tears. We are begging you, do NOT let this happen! We are begging you to help win this Academy Award for James Dean. We can REDEEM the promise of his life if you help us WIN this award for James Dean.

To the other actors who may be nominated for the Best Acting Award, I beg you….Please, Please, PLEASE remove your names from contention. Yul Brynner, James Dean admired and respected you. You are the one most likely to win the Best Acting Award for your role as the chrome domed King in The King and I but could you please request that you not be nominated in order to honor the memory of James Dean? If you are unable to do this, could you please be so kind as to remove yourself from life by driving off a Malibu cliff as Buzz did in that Rebel Without A Cause Chicky Run scene? Please do not besmirch the memory of James Dean by accepting an Academy Award.

Remember folks, we’re going to organize, WE’RE GOING TO ORGANIZE, WE’RE GOING TO ORGANIZE, WE’RE GOING TO ORGANIZE to ensure that James Dean wins the Academy Award. With your help I am certain he will win.

Yeah, yeah. I KNOW this parody is outdated but I wrote it up just a couple of days after the Wellstone "Memorial Service." However, the publication I submitted it to wouldn't have been able to publish it until AFTER the election at which time it would have been outdated. So instead of just putting the parody to sleep, I now belatedly submit it here.

I don't follow these things (honest), but I saw somewhere that Dean's main squeeze was the lady who plays Seinfeld's mother.

I don't follow these things (honest), but I saw somewhere that Dean's main squeeze was the lady who plays Seinfeld's mother.

Believe me, his main squeeze wasn't the lady who plays Seinfeld's mother plus you wouldn't want to squeeze it.

Believe me, his main squeeze wasn't the lady who plays Seinfeld's mother plus you wouldn't want to squeeze it.

Is there a hidden meaning there?

Well, James Dean didn't really die in that crash, PJ! He was horribly disfigured and retired from public life to a hidden ranch in Arizona. That much is true.

Is there a hidden meaning there?

See reply #5.

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