Okay that enough feeling sorry for him:
STICK THE NEEDLE IN, START THE JUICE, LETS GET MOVING IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR LUNCH.
I agree.
Is there a liberal, bleeding heart, do-gooder organization that could print and laminate this tale of woe so we could read it while we wait for his brain to turn to purple mush at his execution?
Heavy-grade laminate please, so we can use it as a fan/flyswatter later at the picnic.