Posted on 10/29/2002 1:34:26 PM PST by Loyalist
There are two cemeteries at the end of the street, one with toppling tombstones and the other quickly filling with ghosts.
There is a real cemetery in this typical Canadian community as well, but its natural edginess pales in comparison even to the houses surrounding it.
One, for example, has a full skeleton hanging by the neck off a porch beam. And neighbours up and down the street are hurrying to go one better -- a witch in the maple tree? a fogging machine along the walkway? -- before Thursday's Fright Final.
No one seems quite sure when Halloween began creeping up on Christmas, but it has happened and is happening more and more each year. Just as the offensive and expensive loot bag came to birthdays -- so everyone can learn it's better to receive than to give -- Halloween has been transformed, or perhaps disfigured, into more of a month-long festival than a one-night stand.
This has happened before to designated "days." Easter went from church to the chocolate factory. Mother's Day became a jeweller's orgy. Father's Day is nothing but a merchandising scam. But nothing, absolutely nothing, compares to what has happened to what was once little more than an annual bonfire and handouts at the door that amounted to a penny a kid.
Oct. 31 is now second only to Dec. 25 as an economic force, with North American sales expected to reach beyond $10-billion this year.
It hardly seems possible that this same day was once measured in tipped outhouses, and the scariest thing imaginable was Old Pinky out along the town line firing off his shotgun if any kids tried to claim his wooden throne.
Back then there was one Halloween candy, guaranteed to pop at least one cavity; excessive was the house on the corner that handed out Rice Krispies squares, and the entire evening could be carried in an old pillowcase.
No longer. Down at the local Wal-Mart you can purchase a "Goody Grabber" for $4.97 that will "extend your reach by almost two feet" and features a large attached plastic bag with a "spill-resistant design."
There are silver ghost garlands to string around the trees, leaving one wondering how soon it will be before there are Halloween-tree lots and devils rather than angels to top them off.
There are Halloween candle holders and paper plates and napkins, Halloween door knockers, pumpkin straws, ghost doorbells and even a face that laughs like Vincent Price whenever anyone comes near it.
There is that full skeleton to hang from the rafters for $19.97, a skull fogger for $59.97 and a huge inflatable pumpkin for $79.97.
There are costumes for kids, costumes for adults and even an angel-wing-and-halo costume for dogs. There is an entire long rack for makeup and 12 full-length rows of Halloween candy at the front and 12 more rows of Halloween paraphernalia at the back of the store.
And yet all of this is nothing, absolutely nothing, when compared with what the discriminating shopper can find at the Extreme Halloween section at www.smarthome.com/halloween.html.
For those who would like to see Halloween, uh, squash Christmas as the No. 1 over-the-top event of the year, there is more here than could be found in the fertile imagination of Stephen King:`
The half-corpse that sits in a guest chair, its rotting flesh "so real it looks like it was freshly dug" for $89.99 (U.S., of course).
The Vomit Barrel that spews out "great quantities of green vomit" on cue, for $3,999.99 (U.S.)
The Living Walls, featuring a head and hands trying to push through the dining-room wall, sure to "freak the living daylights out of your Halloween visitors." $2,999.99 (U.S.)
The "snarling, vicious" mechanical attack dog that comes with the following caution: "Due to the great force at which the dog comes jutting out, it's essential to have a chain-link fence, or banister, to prevent viewers from coming into contact with the dog." $7,999.99 (U.S.)
The Electric Chair, featuring a life-sized, half-naked man strapped in, with smoke pouring out of him as "he smiles, he screams, he thrashes and he gives an electrifying performance that's sure to leave your Halloween visitors in a state of shock." Only $11,999.99 (U.S.)
The Exploding Toilet that blows up on cue and is guaranteed to "disgust your friends" as it's "filled with slime, sludge, vomit and poop -- and that's just the beginning." A mere $3,499.99.
None of this is made up. All of it, however, is unnecessary.
There is one guaranteed way to terrorize Halloween visitors far more effectively at a fraction of the cost, virtually a return to the penny expenses of the good old days before Guy Fawkes Day and All Saints' Day became Halloween and Halloween decided to take on Christmas.
Simply haul the television out onto the front porch. And turn on CNN.
Happy Samhain to all who gather round the altar of the exploding toilet to offer their gifts of filth to the deities of the modern world.
Can I see pictures so I can be properly offended?
We have a large hollow tree (still alive)in front of our home near the street that I have carved a face into and put floodlights inside.... looks great.
Cool!
Indeed.
At my house, I'm still looking for suitable flag - preferrably one that has a host of impressive looking (read: fierce) angels - to hang outside on Nov. 1 in silent protest of the previous evening's activities, to celebrate All Saints Day.
Backwards. Halloween is actually the ancient Celtic Feast of the Dead. The Church holy day is *much* more recent.
In fact, Halloween is a "cross-quarter" day, the halfway point between the equinox and solstice. (the others being groundhog day, May day and Lammas (aug 1).
blah blah blah $10-billion this year…blah blah blah $4.97…blah blah blah $19.97…blah blah blah $59.97… blah blah blah$79.97…blah blah blah $89.99…blah blah blah $3,999.99…blah blah blah $2,999.99…blah blah blah $7,999.99… blah blah blah $11,999.99…blah blah blah $3,499.99.
Oooooooohhhhh kiddies! Isn’t capitalism scary?!?!
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