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Louisiana Hurricane Season Notes

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day
now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person
pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making
two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana.
If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need
to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "THE BIG
ONE.''
Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1.
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least
three days..

STEP 2.
Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3.
Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow
this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in
Louisiana. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane
preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately,
this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets
two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any
other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most
insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane
insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money,
and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business
in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an
insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly
equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this
company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane
Georges, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance
companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan
Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to
my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all
the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.
There are several types of shutters, with advantages and
disadvantages:

Plywood shutters:
The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're
cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters:
The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up.
The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will
be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December before they
heal.

Roll-down shutters:
The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will
definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will
have to sell your house to pay for them.

"Hurricane-proof'' windows:
These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look
like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You
can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in
Nebraska.

"Hurricane Proofing Your Property:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects
like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting
relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items
into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you
should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds
will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation
route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying
area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Louisiana," you
live in a low-lying area.)

The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped
in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped
in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with
two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not
be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not
buy them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the
last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into
vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights
At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes
off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows
what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless
in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL
be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes,
you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions.

As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep
abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching
TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and
tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to
stay away from the ocean.

Good luck.