Posted on 09/24/2002 4:57:39 AM PDT by End Times Sentinel
After knocking Miss America organizers last week for pinning a scarlet letter on a contestant they claimed lacked the morals to wear the sash, I couldn't see much point to attending the contest Saturday night.
So I hit the next-best thing: The Miss'd America Pageant, a drag show for charity held the next night, a few blocks from Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City. (Miss'd as in, if you missed the other pageant, catch this one.)
After watching both sequined spectacles, I gotta say: They put the wrong queens on TV.
Sure, Miss Maryland danced and played violin at the same time.
But she couldn't compete with Lady Darren - decked out as the Statue of Liberty, complete with torch.
Capitalizing on post-9/11 patriotism, she had the crowd clapping to her medley of "This Land Is Your Land" and "God Bless America."
Saturday night, Miss Nevada won raves for her moving rendition of a courtroom speech from the father of gay murder victim Matthew Shepard.
Sunday, Miss Brittany Lynn showed what a real drama queen looks like.
Dressed to resemble Faye Dunaway playing Joan Crawford, Miss Lynn acted out scorching scenes from the movie Mommie Dearest.
Naturally, she had a wire hanger as a prop. Her costar as little ingrate Christina? A doll, shaken vigorously.
Between every fabulous flip-out, Miss Lynn warbled a verse of "Little Girls," from Annie.
It was surreal. And lip-synched.
Pomp and pantyhose
Both the Miss A and Miss'd A shows feature gals in gowns.
The similarities end there.
Miss America has the audacity to call itself a scholarship program, albeit one with brainiacs in bikinis.
Miss'd America wouldn't dare take itself so seriously. Pageantmistress Sandy Beach added a swimsuit segment as a ploy to get more press.
Two-pieces or tanks, it's best not to look too closely.
This year, Miss America made a big deal of having its first African American host. Miss'd America's MC, Jeff Wilson, jokes that he's "been black" all 11 years he's been with the show.
This year, the top five Miss America finalists competed in a quiz that proved not one of them knew who the first American in space was.
Sandy Beach tested her girls, too:
If you stepped in dog poop, what would you do?
A. Scrape it off your feet.
B. Wipe it on the next contestant.
C. Throw out your shoes.
Audience members threw out a few softballs, such as "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?" and "Should America invade Iraq?"
My personal favorite: "Uh, how many pieces of tape does it take to tuck it in?"
The real deal
From campy cast productions to the coronation, Miss'd America is a labor of love and lampooning that has raised $200,000 in the last 10 years for the South Jersey AIDS Alliance.
"This is the show that puts the fun in fund-raising," quips writer/director Sandy, whose great-grandfather was mayor of Atlantic City in the late 1920s. Sandy loves the irony.
"This show's so politically incorrect, it's just awful what we get away with."
Previous winners include Miss Chunkie Marinara (1996) and Miss Chlamydia Liverpool (2001).
In 1997, the one-named Mortimer won hearts and the title.
This year's judges, Pennsylvania State Sen. Vince Fumo, Philadelphia Gay News publisher Mark Segal, and Philadelphia Magazine publisher Herb Lipson, had tough choices to ponder.
Miss Faith Cherrywood vamped to "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend," but Miss D'Lamore actually sang a searing Billie Holiday number.
Miss Ginger Alee looked resplendent in a tight-fitting emerald-green evening gown. Miss Salotta Tea looked like something else entirely in a space-age silver get-up.
In a nod to simplicity and longevity, Miss Sheena - an 11-time contender with a soccer-mom shag who salsaed for her talent - took home the crown.
Like the real deal, she blushed as her theme song played.
Here's to you, Miss'd America
She has style, she has grace, she dazzles like a jewel.
So much talent, so much poise, she's just one of the boys...
Owl_Eagle
”Guns Before Butter.”
Amanda Reckonwith?
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