Posted on 08/23/2002 7:51:44 PM PDT by knighthawk
Connie's stream of consciousness questions are a hoot
Although the start of the fall television season is still a month away, those of you seeking a reliable, original, prime-time comedy are in luck. Just pick a weeknight, settle down at eight o'clock Eastern and flip on over to CNN.
That's right, CNN. The news network. The news network whose programming executives, in what can only have been the result of a corporate retreat held at a whisky distillery, actually decided to confer a nightly "news" program on Mrs. Maury Povich.
Connie Chung Tonight is the Spinal Tap of talk TV, a withering parody of the scandal-obsessed, halfwit-anchored, flippant brain crud that passes for modern TV news coverage. Or maybe, just maybe, the show is actually for real, and Chung is an actual news personality conducting actual interviews. In which case it's even funnier.
Consider Tuesday's program, on which the big story was the discovery by a CNN reporter of 64 videotapes featuring training exercises conducted by al-Qaeda, as well as footage from a 1998 meeting in which Osama bin Laden declared a holy war against the United States and spoke of killing its citizens. Connie introduced her two guests -- a CNN correspondent, Mike Boettcher, and the obligatory "expert" on al-Qaeda -- and then posed her first query, which, after an interminable preamble (Connie asks lazy, rambling, three-martini questions), concluded with her noting that bin Laden "makes this announcement and videotapes it, and yet does not release it. [Deep breath to enhance drama] Can you tell us why?"
You are, I'm sure, familiar with the phrase "deer in the headlights." Well, Boettcher's countenance suddenly resembled "deer after being hit by whatever was attached to those headlights." Why didn't bin Laden release the tape? Uh, because he's not an idiot, Connie? Because his professor in Evil Terrorism 101 had seen enough James Bond movies to know that you don't blab the plan until after you murder the infidels.
Boettcher, it should be noted, was too polite to say any of this. Here's what the poor bugger said instead (and remember, this is a professional journalist experienced at answering questions on TV): "Well, you know, it's ... uh ... part of the, um, reason is the words were ... I've been ... this is what I believe and, uh ..."
Later, Connie referred to some video of bin Laden and inquired of the luckless terrorism expert: "I noticed, uh, that he had a cane or ... is that for any purpose or is it, was it simply that he didn't need it and was using it?" As a team of top scientific minds from various federal agencies immediately assembled at a secret location to determine what the hell she meant by that, Connie unleashed another whopper: "Does [bin Laden] still have this entourage that we saw on this videotape?" The expert looked as though he wanted his mommy. It was either the stupidest question ever asked on national television, or a brilliant attempt to expose the chap as an al-Qaeda collaborator. "Well, Connie, he's actually travelling these days with just six bodyguards: Ahmed, Tariq, Big Hairy Lou, Mohammed -- drat, you outsmarted me again, Chung!"
The program's garish graphic design (plenty of orange) and lurid voiceover imbue Connie Chung Tonight with the feel of Inside Edition and its sleazy ilk, which is fitting since on most nights Connie's show is eager to exploit the missing or murdered child of the moment, presenting ghoulish reports that are promoted with that repulsive "No parent will want to miss this!" decree -- the gist being that you're a bad, irresponsible Daddy if you don't look on as Connie shamelessly milks the misfortune.
On Tuesday night, it was a baby -- mauled to death by a black bear in New York state. Connie was jazzed: "This mauling was highly unusual!" she enthused, and then blathered to a wildlife expert about how there are also some bears near the nice vacation home that she and Maury share.
Connie mentioned her husband again later, several times in fact, during an interview with Rich Beem, who beat Tiger Woods on the weekend to win a major golf championship. Connie pointed out that her present to Maury on his 40th birthday was a golf lesson with a coach who has also counselled Beem. Beem stood there silently for a moment, perhaps thinking they had suddenly gone off the air and Connie was just chatting with him. Eventually, he realized that even though they were no longer talking about him, nor anything to do with him, nor anything to do with professional golf, the interview was still in progress.
Beem finally replied: "Uh huh."
Throughout most of Tuesday's hour, Connie was profoundly incompetent and a disgrace to her profession. But it was only when Martha Stewart's name came up that Connie really embarrassed herself. She was doing an interview about the widely publicized stock-trading controversy, and Martha's decision to relent and hand over documents to a committee of Congress, when Connie suddenly popped a cranial nut and proclaimed, loudly and in a high-pitched voice: "I think it's just terribly annoying that [members of Congress] are sticking their noses in there and trying to grandstand! I can't see any legitimacy to [the investigation]. I mean, really!"
Gee, Connie, she a friend of yours?
Midway through the show, Connie had a brief on-air chat with CNN colleague Aaron Brown, who hosts a show of his own at 10 p.m. ET. The topic of intelligence somehow came up. Connie said she was plenty smart.
"Right, Aaron?" she continued. Silence. "Right?" More silence. Brown stared ahead emotionless.
Connie tried to recover: "You always give me that look, Aaron. Bad boy."
Yes, bad boy. Bad, perceptive boy.
No. Not now, not ever.
A gov't with absolutly NO BALLS....
That show is doomed.
I hereby declare that any Freeper who posts a picture of Connie Chung on this thread, whether its humor is relevant to the thread or not, shall be sentenced to eternal damnation.
If a humorous picture must be posted, please add a paper bag or other non-transparent item over Ms. Chung's head. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
(It's okay, Paul, you didn't know.)
Two things struck me about the show now. (1) It is an on-going commercial for the Democratic Party. Tucker Carlson couldn't argue his way out of a piss-soaked paper bag. Robert Novak is getting old and slow. (2) Carville is insane. He was drooling and spitting and cussing. It was hilarious. Increase his lithium.
Only if the network execs care about ratings and their network's reputation. They have shown little evidence of such common sense in the past.
The news world loves Connie because she's a member of an ethnic minority (though admittedly not one of the more favored ones) and because she has had a reputation since her days working news for an L.A. station, as being virulently anti-American.
(Trivia question: Back in those LA days, who coined the name "Chita Ching" to describe an evil news creature who was unmistakably a satire on Connie?)
Okay, since no one's even trying: It was Richard Sapir, the late co-author of the early books about Remo Williams, The Destroyer (they made a movie, too, with Fred Ward as Remo and Joel Grey as his teacher, Chiun).
I can't watch Connie Chung to this day without thinking of Chita Ching and laughing.
Now as to Connie. It did seem a bit of over kill. Then I remember her interview with folksy and real nice lady- Newt Gingrich's mother. "Oh come on, whisper it to me- I won't tell". Not only that, but the network held back the statement that- lovely First Lady, had been called a Bitch ,allegedly by Newt. Then it was released to cause the most damage.
I do think though that Maury Povich is worse, for the low down damage he and others have done in debasing human beings.
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