You're not as clever as you'd like to think. There are no parallels between 1914 Austria-Hungary and 2002 USA. Nada. None. Zilch.
Does the US have numerous feuding ethnic groups yearning for independence? No. Does the US have a declining monarchy? No. Does the US have a weak military? No. Is the US surrounded by four much stronger powers? No. Is there a sharp divide between the US political and economic centers (comperable to Vienna/Budapest)? No. Are foreign powers lusting after American territory? No.
I could go on like this forever, if you'd like. Your pithy insults are interesting, but couldn't be more wrong.