Girls Just Want To Have Fun-Cyndi LauperPARODY; SWINGERS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN
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VERSE 1
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And when the trial is done...the Can Dams are gonna have fun....oh yeah...lots and lots of fun!
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David Westerseuss
I am Sam.
Sam-I-Am.
That Sam-I-Am.
That Sam-I-Am.
I do not like that Sam-I-Am
“Did you kill Danielle Van Dam?”
“I did not kill her, Sam-I-Am”.
“Did you go in Brenda’s house,
thinking there would be no spouse”.
“I did not go in Brenda’s house,
Although I thought there was no spouse.
I did not kill Danielle Van Dam.
I did not kill her, Sam-I-Am.”
“Did you hurt her, make her bleed,
To satisfy your lusty greed?
Did she bleed upon the floor,
Did you take her home for more?
Did you take her to your bed,
Or were you drunk, just like you said?”
“I did not hurt her, make her bleed,
And did you know, her dad smoked weed?
Her mother sure is not my type.
I like them thinner, like them light.
I leered at Brenda and her pals,
But did you know, they’re slutty gals?
I did not take her ‘cross the street,
I did not bind her little feet,
The blinds were closed up tight, you see,
Because I like my privacy.
I was so drunk I can’t recall,
Ogling at the pool hall.
Arriving home in a fuzzy fog.
I never heard a barking dog.
And so I tell you, Sam-I-Am,
I never grabbed Danielle Van Dam.”
“They found her blood upon your coat!
What did you do, you evil goat?
They found her hairs inside your camper,
And some inside your laundry hamper.
Her fingerprints were found as well,
How’d they get there? Do please tell.
You dumped her at a hidden place,
Where your linens left a tiny trace.
You cleaned the camper up inside,
When asked about your trip, you lied.
You lied about your wallet, eh?
You lied about a sunny day.
You lied about who you would meet,
You lied about a gas receipt,
You lied about your ideal babe,
You sure don’t sound like Honest Abe,
You lied about bringing your trailer,
You folded up the bedding mailer,
You lied about the return trip,
And don’t forget, “we” heard a slip
You lied about a blown-out tire.
What made you such a flat out liar?
You lied about spending the night,
At the Cays, that’s just not right.
No to mention the dry cleaning run,
If it’s not you, then who’s the one?”
“I did not take her in the camper,
I think I saw that girl scamper,
Inside my motorhome one day,
Her parents never watched her play.
I know my story might sound weird,
But look how neat I trim my beard.
I can’t talk now, the 5th Amendment,
Prevents me, but I get contentment,
Knowing Feldman’s on the case,
He’ll speak for me, and in my place,
He’ll tell you, Mr. Sam-I-Am,
I did not kill Danielle Van Dam.”
“OK, tell us Feldman, if you can,
What’s your defense, do you have a plan?”
“He did not act strange at the bar,
He did not drive drunk in a car,
Everything they say is false,
We deny it, we deny it all.
That’s not his voice there on that tape.
If there’s no semen, there’s no rape.
He did not grab Danielle Van Dam.
He did not do it, Sam-I-Am.
She did not bleed, but if she did,
She was just a wild kid,
Roaming streets so free and wild,
Her parents could not control that child.
The camper was unlocked that day,
And that is where she went to play,
While there, we think she cut her head,
And got some blood upon the bed.
And on the floor, and David’s jacket.
A perfect story! Don’t attack it.
She lay there, little tired lass,
Upon awaking, touched the glass,
And dropped some hairs along the way.
That’s what happened, so I say.”
“What? Don’t buy it? Then how about this—
Damon and Barbara shared a kiss.
Yes, it’s true! That very night.
That means my client must be right.
Swingers must have been involved.
So, the case has now been solved.”
“Still not convinced? Try this one—
The porn was owned by David’s son.”
“Not enough? That’s just too bad.
Now you people have made me mad.
Each and every witness here,
Is lying. Yes, that’s very clear.
The ranger, and the camp host, too.
The lady who saw he had no shoes.
The desert campers, who saw him acting oddly,
The volunteers who found Danielle’s body,
The nosy neighbors hated his RV,
And so they framed him, can’t you see?
The cell phone guy, the Chevron lady,
The friends, especially that guy Brady.
The biggest liars of them all.
Are the Van Dams. Imagine the gall!
They smoked and drank and liked to swing.
So they deserve this “murder” thing.
It’s not about this poor dead child.
It’s all about the parent’s lifestyle.
You skeptics now have forced me to it.
OJ showed me how to do it.
Yell and scream and use theatrics.
Pound the podium and other antics.
Throw up smoke and blame the cops.
They screwed up all those damn blood drops.
Their labs are shoddy, their work is worse.
Their skills mean nothing in my universe.
Fingerprints! Bah. A superstitious art.
DNA? It plays no part.
They claim it’s 30 gazillion to one.
I say the relevance is none.
So, in conclusion, Sam-I-Am,
He did not kill Danielle Van Dam.”
“The jury verdict has been read.
Condemned to death, the jury said.
She lay in bed, fast asleep.
Inside her room, this man did creep.
He stole the girl from her home,
And went upon a weekend roam.
The horror cannot be expressed.
And then he dumped her.
Dead. Undressed.
Ten years later, Justice Day.
“Any final words to say?”
“Yes, I’ll tell you, Sam-I-Am.
I did kill Danielle Van Dam.”