Someone needs to tell this bitch to go write mystery novels. Oh well, since it's a Dowd thread, time for the Mandatory Pic, just in case Ms. Dowd ever trolls FR for ideas...
Be Seeing You,
Chris
Posted on 07/02/2002 7:38:51 PM PDT by Pokey78
WASHINGTON
The makers of antidepressants are going to have to start testing their own products.
Drug companies peddling to our Zombie Nation are now frantically trying to climb out of a marketing valley of the dolls, a slump in the pace of sales of their little bliss pills.
A front-page article in The Times on Sunday chronicled how antidepressants have lost their aura as miracle drugs. As profits declined, efficacy plateaued and side effects increased (``Side effects may include dry mouth, flopsweat, deadened emotions, tremors, lassitude, insomnia, constipation, incontinence, deflated libido, inflated libido, overeating, no appetite, and your spleen going SPLAT! all over a blind date at a swanky restaurant''), drug companies have been desperately trying to find new molecules to mine and new neurotransmitters to zap. us98 Addicted to their billion-dollar sales, the companies have been sneakily repackaging old pills for new uses, hawking their not-so-magic elixirs for everything from shyness to smoking to work stress to supermom jits to severe premenstrual blues to muscle tension to dating anxiety. us100
Some psychiatrists admitted in the Times article that ``the impression often conveyed by commercials for the drugs is clear: Almost anyone could benefit from them.'' us98 Even though they seem to be straining, with new names that sound more like luxury cars than lifestyle pills, new drugs - Lexapro and Cymbalta - will soon pack the shelves next to Zoloft, Paxil, Prozac, Effexor, Celexa and Wellbutrin.
The more anxious the companies feel about profits, the more generalized the generalized anxiety disorders get.
As psychopharmacology becomes more and more highly targeted, we will be able to tweak molecules to soothe any specific unpleasantness in life. We can't be far away from such customized antidepressants as:
Gorzac: Works to counteract nausea that occurs when you turn on the TV and see Al promising to ``let it rip'' and lay his heart bare. Tell your doctors what medicines you are taking. Dangerous side effects if taken in combination with Liebertin, Edwardsox or Kerrytonin. Severe headaches could drive you to consider voting for the incumbent.
Elitex: Settles your stomach when you learn that the president, who says he is outraged by the insider trading and accounting shenanigans in corporate America, may have enjoyed his own sweetheart deal when he was a director of Harken Energy, a Texas oil firm.
Halliburtin: Treats the everyday stresses of S.E.C. scrutiny of accounting tricks at Halliburton, where Dick Cheney was once C.E.O. and became a multimillionaire. Side effect: excessive secrecy and delusions of presidency. (This lasts 115 minutes.)
Marthax: Works to correct the fear, for those who are socially phobic and sitting alone in their hot little apartments, that everyone else is at fun cocktail parties in the Hamptons, trading insider stock tips that ensure that they get bigger mansions there and you stay trapped in your hot little apartment. Side effect: The only color you want to paint your walls is plain old white.
Moral Claritin: Relieves the confusion and whiplash you feel over President Bush's Middle East policy. Allays your dark suspicions that the president's abrupt decision to stop dealing with Yasir Arafat was dictated by his fidgetiness at having to sit through any more of Condi's wonkish briefings on Arafat. Side effect: May induce Napoleonic pretensions in Israeli prime minister.
Ashcroxx: Combats irritability and sleep disruptions brought on by unfathomable color-coded charts, politically timed terror warnings and dismantling of civil liberties. Side effects: compulsive love of Second Amendment, compulsive aversion to First Amendment, inexplicable affection for capital punishment.
Carmelexa: Relieves the combination of annoyance and despair you feel when told that new ``Sopranos'' episodes have been delayed another two years while they fine-tune first five minutes of third episode. Side effects: May cause temporary loss of interest in ``Godfather'' movies and irrational aversion to New Jersey.
Bozoloft: Alleviates anger and fear triggered when you hear administration officials claim that Al Qaeda has been disrupted and you know Osama is still out there plotting to pounce. Side effect: May induce uncontrollable urge to vote for Al Gore.
Krugman, then Clymer, now Dowdy. . . .all in 24 hours. I think I sense a pattern developing.
From Oxblog:
IMMUTABLE LAWS OF DOWD1. Ashcroft never deserves credit.
2. Offering constructive solutions to problems, instead of whining endlessly about them, is a sign of weakness.
3. The People Magazine principle: all political phenomena can be explained with reference solely to caricatures of the personalities involved ("Dubya" is stupid; "Poppy" is an aristocrat; Cheney is macho-man; etc.). Any reference to the common good or even to old-fashioned politicking is, like, so passe.
4. It is much better to be cute than coherent.
5. Maureen knows best. Her long years as a columnist (doing basically what your great-aunt Tillie does in the nursing home bull sessions, but getting paid for it) have given her deep insight into foreign relations, politics, welfare, the Constitution, and all other topics. To disagree with Maureen in any way is not only a sign of being wrong, it's a hallmark of pure evil...or at least membership in the NRA, which is pretty much the same thing.
6. It is usually possible and always desirable to name-drop and name-call in the same sentence.
7. The particulars of my consumer-driven, shamefully self-involved life reveal universal truths.
BWAHAHAHA, isn't Maureen a hoot?! Leftist BEE-awwwch is basically saying you gotta be on drugs to vote fer Algore.
Whatever...MUD
Gorzac: Works to counteract nausea that occurs when you turn on the TV and see Al promising to ``let it rip'' and lay his heart bare. Tell your doctors what medicines you are taking. Dangerous side effects if taken in combination with Liebertin, Edwardsox or Kerrytonin. Severe headaches could drive you to consider voting for the incumbent.
...I think
Yep, President Gore will show that Osama who's boss...
Someone needs to tell this bitch to go write mystery novels. Oh well, since it's a Dowd thread, time for the Mandatory Pic, just in case Ms. Dowd ever trolls FR for ideas...
Be Seeing You,
Chris
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