Taxpayer's Quiz

Toronto Sun ^ | June 27, 2002 | Gary Dunford

[Squawk 8888]

EWW, RANK: Ah, breathe deep, Citizen. The first, telltale stink of summer garbage. Or is that acrid smell the rancid rhetoric of the ridiculous City Summit? Mayor Mel and 200 stale-dated politicians, academics and business blimps passing gas?

See them stomp their feet.

Is there a doubt in your mind who their "new source of municipal revenue" will be? Why it's the Old Source of Municipal Revenue! You and me! Yes, I know: the Toronto Star swears the money will come from Mars.

New demands dumped on us. Too much to do. Property taxes way too low. Subways and buses not crowded enough. There's not enough tax pie for "poor" old Toronto. Meanies at Queens Park and Ottawa won't surrender a slice back. What will make them give it up? What would change?

Here's your thunderbolt, ace! They'll make the pie bigger! Start baking!

Take this simple reality check:

1. When I pay taxes I want (a) my street open and garbage picked up; (b) several levels of government interminably whining over who gets to pick which pocket, preferable at a high-profile fly-by for politicians from other places;(c) a recorded voice on TTC vehicles endlessly cooing, "Have a nice day" in four or five languages. Plus a gay "Wazzup."

2. Toronto's City Summit is (a) more important than the G8 summit; (b) less important than the G8 summit;(c) holy cow, who's paying for these damn summits? Me? Is there any dessert left?

3. If the City of Toronto gets a share of gasoline taxes, the right to bilk tourists with hotel surcharges, plus everything else it whines about, my municipal taxes for living here will (a) go down; (b) remain the same;(c) you've got to be kidding, right? They're insatiable!

4. Outside workers are off the job because (a) the big bad province is stingy;(b) the feds hate cities; (c) city councillors never make garbage or use pools; (d) jobs for life isn't working; (e) every time a flashbulb goes off, it steals a tiny bit of Mel's soul. He's a hollow tree.

5. How many Toronto politicians will reciprocally attended seminars and summits in other cities whose officials attended ours? (a) none; (b) a couple;(c) get me a calculator. Will they be flying coach?

6. The most useful conclusion of everyone at the Toronto Summit is cities must: (a) yell louder; (b) yell much louder; (c) really scream; (d) yell, scream and run in circles until cash falls from the higher branches of the tree. Or perhaps a passing plane. Or if you or I hang up our pants.

7. The useful conclusion of everyone at the Kananaskis summit is (a) the Middle East is a problem; (b) Africa is a problem; (c) this new protester-repellent works even better than Skin So Soft; (d) the super-cool Rockies are really nice, eh?

8. Taxing tourists is a good idea because (a) visitors come to be bilked at the midway; (b) they're not us; (c) we can use the money to attract more tourists who we can tax, spending that money to attract more tourists we can tax, an endless pyramid scheme. Unless we don't use it for that or fewer come here. Why worry about it? Sneak it on a receipt between the PST and GST.

9. While sheep are sheared only once a year, taxpayers can be harvested (a) weekly; (b) daily; (c) with every breath I take, with every move I make.

10. Summits are a primary source of (a) meaningful discussions; (b) policy reform; (c) ego massage; (d) travel vouchers and expense accounts.

11. The City Summit teaches us that (a) the edges are affected by the middle; (b) 905 is co-dependent with 416; (c) the farmer and the cowman can be friends; (d) last call is at 1 a.m -- unless it's a Church St. snifter, Butch.

12. Political powers must be redistributed because (a) it's the right thing to do; (b) look how well amalgamation worked; (c) Mel's mad as hell and not going to take it any more. (Yawn.) Who just cried "Wolf?"

13. New governance and management strategies for cities are (a) essential; (b) buzz phrases likely to make me stop reading and turn the page; (c) hey, is somebody coming to collect the damn garbage? Why is the local pool locked up when thermometers are breaking? Who's in charge here? Hello?

14. The phrase "illusion of movement" refers to (a) summits; (b) all-night contract talks; (c) photo ops with Hazel McCallion; (d) press conferences with so little given or expected that nobody even bothers writing a sound bite.

15. If Toronto moves to the "strong mayor" system favoured by and working successfully in U.S. cities, our new mayor should be (a) Mark Dailey; (b) Spiderman; (c) Enza; (d) that nasty guy on American Idols; (e) don't vote, don't care, don't know, any sap will do, like always.

Score one point for each correct answer. Take garbage to park next week. Hold cold washcloth to face this weekend. Suffer. Toronto is working.